August 23, 2016

Dear Baby,

Today is your dad’s birthday! He is turning the ripe old age of 34 which seems super old and crazy since I am also 34 but usually feel like I am mid 20’s at most. 

Anyways, in celebration of his big day I want to tell you what an awesome dad your dad is. Lately there has been a lot going on with our extended family and you dad showed me yet another reason why I am so lucky to be sharing this whole life journey with him. 

Your dad is a doer. By this I mean that not only does he get shit done but he thrives in doing shit. Where I would always default to laziness and procrastination, he just gets shit done. 

I’ve always been a bit annoyed by this trait of his because it’s like, can you chill the fuck out? But recently I see it in a new light. 

The truth is that it makes your dad happy to do things for other people. Genuinely. 

People have all these weird things that make them happy for reasons that will never understand. This is your dads “thing.” He enjoys doing for others and prefers to be helpful than to receive help. I think it’s super weird but that’s not the point. 

The point is, Baby to honour what makes you you. Your dad is a great example of someone who is often true to themselves and does what he needs to do to make himself happy (even though in a convoluted way that means doing stuff for others.)

Your dad’s gift of selflessness should be a reminder to you to be authentic and respect the quirks you have. 

Yes, I often want your dad to just sit down and put his feet up and CHILL but I also admire his gumption and ability to be selfless without resentment and to just get shit done. 

So you be you. And be nice to your dad because for all the things he does for all the people he does them for, you are his number one and he would move the moon for you. 

Happy birthday to daddy!

xo

Mom

August 21, 2016

Dear Baby,

Last night you had your first sleepover at your grandparent’s house. Your bags were packed, instructions given and we left you sleeping to go see the final Tragically Hip show that played live from Kingston on a screen in a park downtown.

It was nervracking and exciting and sad and happy all rolled into one. As usual. 

The night was wonderful. Your dad and I had an amazing time and felt really free without a time restriction on when we had to be home. We stayed out late and were able to happily accept the offer of “want to keep hanging out” after the show was over. 

Although I didn’t fully relax, it was pretty calming to know that you were safe and in capable hands so while nervracking, it was manageable. 

What was super weird was coming home to a silent house. No night lights. No sound machine. No whispering. I took a shower without fear of being too loud and we watched TV with the door wide open- yup, your parents are super cool rebels. 

It was nice and then also I missed everything about you being home. 

I think I felt sad about your growing independence – which seems to be a theme as of late. Sad but then also SO HAPPY. I love watching you thrive and I hate letting you go. All rolled into one emotionally confused sandwich. 

But most of all I am excited for you to begin the time in your life of really bonding and making memories with your grandparents. I have such wonderful memories of sleep overs with mine. The food we ate, the activities we did and the treats that only a night at Bubby and Zaidy warrant. I want you to have all of this and more.

So with that, I hope that when you read this you have all of your grandparents. They are such wonderful people. They love you so much. Treat them with reverence and respect. Enjoy their company and flourish under their watch. Because strong family bonds are important and dad and I need some quiet time (but we can still crank the sound machine- right?)

xo

Mom

August 19, 2016

Dear Baby,

Well, after almost two years of freedom my “monthly visitor” has returned without ANY FUCKING FANFARE. 

Being a woman is a magical thing, getting your period is not. It is the catalyst to many other things like making a baby but overall it is gross and annoying. 

So you can imagine that I wasn’t thrilled at its return. 

That’s an understatement. 

I don’t know how to break it to you gently but one day you will have a period. By the time you read this you may already have had many. Woman to woman I am truly sorry. It’s awful. I know. 

So here’s some stuff to get you through it. 

1. If your partner is male, expect them to say really stupid shit. Types of comments you can expect are; “you’re probably pms-ing” (which is usually true but NEVER what anyone should say), “it’s not that bad” (until you have internal bleeding from the shedding of your uterus lining you can shut the fuck up), or my personal favourite “it’s just a period, what’s the big deal” (seriously, at this point kick them in the dick and ask them what the big deal is there.)

2. It’s not the time to be on a diet. I personally vascular between not wanting to eat anything because I feel like ass or wanting to eat chocolate dipped in salt and ice cream topped with melted fudge and candy. Judge me. I dare you. 

3. Invest in some comfy bottoms. You might not have the luxury of wearing sweats all day but as soon as you can, put them on. And have ones that are super comfy and cute. Same for undies. Period week is not the time for a skanky thong. Just no. 

4. Watch a good movie. I prefer the Notebook. You have to channel those raging hormones and crying your eyes out to Allie and Noah’s romance is WAY better than taking it out on your man- see number 1.

In reality, your period is a good thing. It means your body is functioning healthily and that you can, should you choose to, have babies. Plus, it is one of the many common bonds that link women through generations. Red tent. 

So know that it is sucky but manageable and that it will always pass and that one day (although right now it’s hard to believe) you will mourn the loss of it. 

Now pass those FUCKING CHOCOLATES MKAY??

xo

Mom

August 18, 2016

Dear Baby,

What. The. Fuck.

Can this really be the last month before you turn one? Is it really happening?

Right now you are standing in your crib singing showing off your 4 teeth and holding your little stuffed koala. So yes, all signs point to you being a big girl. 

So again:

What. The. Fuck. 

How did 11 months go by so fast? How did my tiny baby who barely knew where her feet were turn into this girl who is playing an imagination game with her stuffed animals?

How did this tiny person who would only sleep on mom for so many months become someone who can sooth herself and sleep?

At 11 months you have become even funnier and more amazing than you ever were. You greet us in the morning with a game of peek-a-boo, you love playing the game of “where’s your” (fill in the blank- so far you only know your nose, head and tummy but we are working on it), you love to point at different things (trees and fans are a real favourite) and you demand to know what they are. 

You love dancing and climbing on stuff and your passionate love affair with that activity centre that sings is still going strong. 

But your most notable 3 traits that we keep see growing are your love of music, love of laughter and your voice. 

Baby, you really love music. Your only toys right now either make music or are instruments and they delight you. Music class delights you. Frankly, everything delights you. You sing, you shake, you grove and more than one music teacher has commented to me on your reaction and attention to music. 

You love to laugh. This is unsurprising because we do too. There is a lot of laughter in our house but none better than yours. 

And in between laughing and singing you can usually be found talking or just yelling. It is in this way that you read exactly like your dad. You will not go unheard. You are loud and and you are a part of every conversation around you. Sure, you can’t speak but you’ll be damned if you’re letting anyone talk without you. 

It’s amazing. 

You are amazing. 

I can’t even believe how every day it seems like it couldn’t possibly ever get any better and then the next day, it does. 

Stilli have to say:

What. The. Fuck. 

I can’t believe it is our final month of you as a baby. Toddler sounds fucking crazy to me. Right?

Know this my 11 month old wonder, your mom loves you madly and you are delighting and delighted. 

Now, let’s have a long slow month because I don’t think I can take it if this month goes by as fast as the rest. 

xo

Mom

August 14, 2016

Dear Baby,

It’s funny because I really get grossed out about a lot of things. I HATE bugs- the mere mention of a centipede makes me physically ill. I hate bees and I even sort of hate butterflies. I hate chewed up food. I actually hate feeding you on my lap when you shmere mushed up food on my clothes. 

I also find sweaty people pretty gross and hugging them to be super gross. 

But what I don’t find to be terribly offensive is barf/pee/poo/blood. So far in the past few months I have dealt with terrible versions of all of them and I actually find that I can remain cool in the face of nasty shit. 

Case in point: last night. 

Our dog and fur baby had a HUGE vomit (all over our gorgeous rug no less) and I rose to the occasion and cleaned that shit right up. It took me 5 towels to get it. That’s how much barf we are talking about. 

Love how I gag when embracing a sweating person but get balls deep in puke. 

Dog was fine- we took him to be checked at an emergency vet clinic- and carpet will recover after being professionally cleaned. 

So here’s what I thought about that. We all have our things and our roles. I may be terrible at chilling out in the backyard while bed swarm my food and I may recoil from damp people but I can sure step up when a finger is cut off, someone is barfing or I have pee/ poo on my (aka every day.)

You will grow up and also have your strong and weak points and the real learning is to be fine with all of them and know yourself well enough to shine when you can shine and take a step back when you can’t. There is no shame in not being able to do it all. No one can. 

When you are able to stay true to you and be authentic, you serve yourself and others as best as you ever can. 

So the learning is no worries if you grow up screaming from bees or hate thunder storms or even broccoli. You will have a million great ways to shine and I hope you get to access them every single day. 

Shine on!

xo

Mom

August 13, 2016

Dear Baby,

This week are the final Tragically Hip shows here in Toronto and we got to go. I had purchased tickets for 2 other nights as well for myself and your dad which we had to sell because this week is shiva but since we were not sitting last night, I was able to take advantage of a last minute offer from your aunt to go. 

Backtrack: The Tragically Hip are an amazing Canadian legacy. A band that has been the soundtrack to the majority of my young and adult life. A true beacon of what a Canadian summer is all about. A band I have seen all over North America at various times in my life. Gord, the lead singer and enigmatic man, was diagnosed with brain cancer this year and this would be their final tour across Canada. 

After spending almost every summer seeing them play, this would be it. A final farewell to the voice that sang the lyrics that I know so well and touch me on so many levels.

I went to the show. It was as incredible as I imagined it would be.

And then I got thinking. 

In lieu of what has been going on this week I have spent a lot of time with the idea of what it means to have a full life and what it would mean to die with a full heart. 

I looked around the stadium at Gord’s thousands of fans cheering for him while he did the thing that he loves to do most in the world. He left the stage after performing an incredible show to a chorus of applause that was deafening. He said goodbye to so many people who were so grateful that he had ever been alive in the first place. 

It made me think about your great grandfather passing and how he too left a lot of people who were so happy that he lived. And I think that this is what we can all strive for. To have people who will celebrate our life when we are no longer around instead of people mourning our absence. 

Tonight we go back to shiva and I think that it’s really amazing to spend the time sharing stories and memories of those whose lives made ours better. 

So the lesson I can impart here is to be someone who people would be happy to know. Spread love and kindness into your world and live your best authentic life. It’s all you have. 

xo

Mom

August 9, 2016

Dear Baby,

Today was a sad day as we said goodbye to your great grandfather who passed away early in the morning. 

This was a big loss. Not because it was untimely or unexpected but because he was a larger than life presence on our family and to not have him around anymore will be a void that can’t be filled. 

He was unwaveringly kind and funny and he loved you very much. I feel sad that you won’t remember him because you were too little when he was with us but I know that each time he saw one of his great grandkids, it made him really happy. So know that you were the source of joy to a very special person. 

I don’t know what color they will be one day but right now you have the bluest eyes. People often stop you to comment on how blue they are. He was one of the only people in our family with baby blues. True or not I can’t help but attribute this quality to him and feel like this is one of the pieces of him we take with us moving forward. 

Among many things he leaves us with is a strong sense of family and on a day like today it’s hard not to think about what that all means. 

In his life he saw his own children grow and thrive. They had children and he saw this children have children of their own. What greater achievement could their ever be. 

It’s insane to think that one day I could be just as lucky and witness you grown and happy with babies of your own. It is the ultimate dream. 

He was loved so fiercely by his family and that is something else that I think we can learn from. His funeral was full and everyone had a story to share. We should all aspire to have that many people love us and want to pay respects to us when we are no longer here. It goes back to what I said about filling your life with meaningful love. 

The evidence of a full life lay in a full room of people who were mourning but also celebrating a life that was worth being joyful about. 

Your Dad (and I) had so much reverence for him. He was, in so many ways, your Dad’s hero and role model. I know that Dad will pass down a lot of great stories and traits that could only belong to this great man. I could only hope that you get some of the amazing qualities he possessed. 

No chance that you will be as quiet and soft spoken as he was but you might be as kind, generous and family oriented. That would be great. 

Death is a big part of life and so while I am sad to be experiencing it, I know that all we can do is our very best and hope that we get the prvillege that your great grandfather did in engaging in a full and satisfying life. 

With so much love in my heart. 

xo

Mom

August 8, 2016

Dear Baby,

Well, today was the day. In my mind when we hired your new nanny it felt far away in the distance but like everything with you, time went by too fast and we arrived in the moment. 

As I get more and more involved in work and you are more and more of a real challenge to entertain, we decided that part time help would be the right fit. It would give me a chance to both do some dedicated work and get shit done without having to navigate how to bring you along. 

Truth? I love and hate it. The freedom is freeing and stifling. The time is wanted and resented and the fact that you really really like your new nanny is wonderful and heartbreaking. 

I think that one of the hardest things for me to wrap my head around as you inch towards one and take more steps to being independent is that you don’t need me in the same way. There was a time not long ago that I would never have been able to leave you for a day with a new person. Both for mommyitis and for nursing reasons. 

Now, it’s no big deal and you are happy as a clam. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy too. I thought it was important for you to have a lot of different stimulation and to form kind attachments to other people. I’m proud to see you beginning to do so. I feel like I have done something right that you are so happy and willing to be with another loving person and don’t have fear. 

But in my rose coloured glasses I miss those days of you being physically on top of me all day. I’m sure at the time I wanted to fucking kill myself but in hindsight, it’s seems pretty sweet. 

But here is what I think we can take from this: you can never have too much love in your life. Life only gets richer and more valuable when you fill it with people who are kind and wonderful. 

I’m so happy that you have such loving people in your life at the ripe age of 10.5 months. You have your parents (spoiler alert- we are fucking obsessed with you,) your grandparents and now your new friend. Plus, let’s not forget koala. 

Sidebar: just as I was wrapping my head around the idea of not being needed as much by you, you went to bed kissing your stuffed koala and when I asked for a kiss you punched me in the face. 

Kick ’em while they’re down. 

Anyways, my wish is that you always are surrounded by loving kindness and that you always have an open heart for new people who enter your life. 

But obviously love your mom the most. Kidding. Not kidding. 

xo

Mom

August 6, 2016

Dear Baby,

I’ve been thinking about this day for a while now and I need to start out by saying that it’s not you, it’s me. Wait. Actually I think it is mutual. I wasn’t sure how it would all play out but now that it is here, it feels like the natural end to what has been a pretty crazy relationship. 

It began on a high note but quickly turned volitile and dark. I shed so many tears over you. 

But I tried. We both tried to make it work. We sought counselling and encouragement, we spoke to friends and family. We worked hard to stay together and in the end we did. And it got better. 

We fell in love and the relationship became natural. It became easy. It became hard to believe that it had ever been any other way. And then something changed again. 

I don’t blame you at all but you began to pull away. You needed me less and maybe I in turn had less to offer. Where we once couldn’t go hours without each other we now went almost half a day. And the times we were together felt rushed and insignificant. 

Close to the end, we only had one interaction per day. And it was lacklustre. A shadow of what once was.

I thought maybe some time apart would reinvigorate us but instead it just confirmed what I guess I already knew. The end was now. It was time. I went away for a day and you didn’t notice. It broke my heart. 

And so with that it ended. On a bittersweet note. I’m happy that it happened, sad it is over, proud that you made the choice to move on and grow and worried that it will never be the same between us again.

And the lesson here is that sometimes you just don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. I didn’t know how sad I would really be to stop breastfeeding you until I did it. It was natural and mutual and the way our story unfolded and still I feel like I have closed the door forever on a big part of what has been my life for the past year. 

I will always look back on this time with rose coloured glasses and remember the love we shared and the bond we had. In time the memories of blood, sweat and tears will be erased forever. 

Keep in touch. I hope homo milk treats you well. 

xo

Mom (‘s boobs)

August 4, 2016

Dear Baby,

After a full week of being sick with a totally gross cold it was time to go on a trip that I had been planning for some time. It was me, my girlfriend and a date with the spa for an overnight getaway. My very first since having you. 

I was both excited and terrified. Excited to be away and to get some time to just be with a friend completely uninterrupted and terrified to leave you. Would you be ok? Would you miss me? 

I have to say that the whole thing went down pretty seamlessly. The night away was lovely. I relaxed, took a hammock nap, got a massage and really enjoyed some girl time over wine and cheese. We hiked and swam and just chilled. 

I also have to say that the time away really showed me how much I love my life with you. Yes, it was nice not to have to plan my every move around naps and food and poo but the truth is that I don’t mind those things one bit. It was a good reminder that my life with you isn’t that stressful to begin with. 

It was also a nice reminder to how much I really trust your dad. I didn’t feel the need to check up on you every five seconds because I really knew that you were in good hands. Sure, he fed you grilled cheese and fries as a meal but it wouldn’t be “cool dad time” without a little indulgence. It is easy to get the time that you need when you have someone so capable in your life. 

But boy did I want to come home to you by the end. 

Massaged, slept, exercised and tanned I was ready. 

Because sitting here listening to you sing in your crib (instead of nap) and waking up to your amazing little face making snake sounds is a thousand times more rejuvenating than any spa day ever. 

I am such a loser. 

But I love you. 

xo

Mom