Will be a big sis

June 29, 2017

Dear Baby,

I just typed in the date and was like, what the fuck! How are we in end of June? Never has time been more weird to me than this week gone by. I don’t even know for sure what day it is as I am in a haze of breastfeeding and sleeping but I’m sure I’ll be back to a calendar slave in no time. 

So, as you know, you have assumed duties as a sibling officially with your little sister and watching you adapt has been sweet, a bit sad (for me) and also just fucking hilarious. 

Perhaps my favourite interaction between you and the baby is when you see her at any given time in the day, approach her, look into her eyes and say “hi baby.”

Then you patiently wait for a response. 

This goes on usually a few tries and I watch your little brain process why this tiny baby isn’t saying hi to you back. Be cuter!!!!

Also you are very into showing us baby’s features. Eyes, ears, hair, fingers… you take the time to show us each part which often means stabbing the poor baby in the eye. I wish I didn’t think it was so adorable. Spoiler. It is. 

Mainly, you just ignore her and go about your day. I guess that’s a good thing and certainly far better than you being jealous or upset about her. 

I wonder how you actually feel about it and what it’s like to process this change in your mind. The only thing about you being so young when getting a sis is that I’ll never know this answer. You probably can’t even fully understand this circumstance and by the time you do, you won’t remember a time without it. 

In the meantime, as much as I look forward to spending time with you and I, I also can’t fucking wait to spend time with both my girls together and for the moment when you say “hi baby” and she at least smiles or laughs in return. 

xo

Mom

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Will be a big sis

Baby’s baby

June 27, 2017

Dear Baby,

It’s been over a week since I birthed and brought home your baby sister and I can safely say this: having a newborn for a second time is easy. The things you thought you forgot, you remember and the things you don’t remember, you figure out. 

Recovering is hard. Your body and brain play this funny game where they erase the memories of your recovery of past and you actually forget how shit it is to be in such long pain. Mind you, this time around was a very different experience for me as I had you via c section and your sister via the vag. Frankly, I don’t know what’s worse. I haven’t sat comfortably in a week and I’m terrified to even think about what down there looks like. I sneezed once this week and simultaneously peed myself and almost cried in pain. It’s been a blast. 

But harder than my poor mangled vag and the initial growing pains of nursing (which are way better round two), is the way I get to be with you, my baby. 

Missing you is a fucking understatement. 

Yes, you are so lucky to have an amazing father who has been taking you out and about, a great nanny who genuinely loves you and grandparents who are super helpful but none of them are you and me, baby. 

Every single time I can’t do something with you- which is often, I feel like I’m being punched in the face. I don’t even know if I knew how much I looked forward to simple pleasures like taking you to the park or reading you bedtime stories until I couldn’t do them. 

I’ve had a particularly shit recovery combined with an infection and a baby who needs to be fed often because she came out jaundice so my attention has been elsewhere and my capabilities limited. And I know that you are loved and being cared for and likely will not remember this but I will. 

I can’t wait until we can catch up together and spend some quality time. 

I put you to bed tonight alone for the first time since we got home from the hospital and it was a sweet reminder of what’s coming right around the corner for us – which is time together again. 

Oh, and the weirdest part of bringing home a newborn with a toddler is that you seem like a total adult. Tonight I looked at your foot and it was like, woah. That’s a substantial foot. 

xo

Mom

Baby’s baby

Stop and smell the roses

June 13, 2017

Dear Baby,

This morning for breakfast you requested some of your favourites including blueberries and a bagel with cream cheese. I sat and watched you first lick the cream cheese off the bagel, then eat the blueberries and then fake eat the bagel itself and I thought to myself how little people are the perfect models of how we should be living our lives.

You see, you don’t save the best for last. You jump in and enjoy the best thing first. You take delight, you are not reserved and cautious you just see what you want and you have it. Adults somehow at some point get this all messed up. We begin to save, to reserve, to take caution and to hold tight. We become afraid to really enjoy things and we overanalyse. You don’t do any of that. There is no thought about what sequence to eat the food, how many calories are in the food or if there will be more food. You eat to eat and eat to enjoy and it’s fucking amazing to watch.

When we walk around, as we often do in these sunny afternoons, you stop for everything. A cute dog, flowers or even just a cool rock you see on the ground. I often find myself urging you along so that we can get to the park to play and then catch myself because what are you doing if not enjoying your time? So I need to rush you to play?

You are literally stopping to smell the roses – a function we strive for in busy adulthood. You are always stopping to enjoy the environment around you. The environment that I often just take for granted. The sight of a bus or a plane or the sounds of a birds in the trees. You notice everything. To hell with all these methods of mindfulness and relaxation – take a walk with a toddler and see the world through their eyes and tell me you are not a better and more calm person for it.

And then on these walks you will often sing. For no reason. Out loud. Just because. Baby, if you are not encompassing all of what all those cheesy magnets say you should be doing, I don’t even know. Sing like no one is listening etc.

You are a constant reminder to do those things. Dance like no one is watching blah blah blah. I spend money on books and time on researching all the ways that I could be more meditative, mindful and happy and there you are enjoying your life, pausing to look at anything you like and singing your little heart out for no reason at all.

We should all live more like our kids and stop reserving, rushing and hiding. Let’s all enjoy what we have and want, taste the best food first, wear that item of clothing we have been saving, stop to admire beauty and enjoy nature, pause, not rush from place to place, put down our phones and fucking chill, and belt out a tune for no reason at all.

I think there’s a reason you are so happy and the above is a big part of it.

I hope you keep this mentality forever.

xo

Mom

Stop and smell the roses

Hello sweet summer

June 10, 2017

Dear Baby,

There is no smell that makes me happier than the smell of you after a day in summer. It’s been a while since we have experienced that scent and having it back is pretty damn good. It’s funny because I have always hated the smell of sweaty kids. Like, when I worked at camp it would be this big adjustment every morning to the smells of kids in sunscreen running around and I would think how horrible it would be to have one of my own living in my home and stinking up the joint. Now I could bottle that shit up and wear it as perfume. But only your smell, just to be clear, not kids in general.

The culprit is summer which is has finally reared its hot head and come out to play with a vengeance. Being a mom, summer is fun because parks are super helpful when you want to both keep a kid entertained, engage them in nature and not have to have your house torn apart. Splash pads are even better. Summer is slightly less fun when you are carrying around some extra cushion and a whole human on your body and thus sweating from every pore you have but nonetheless.

Before you, I was not wholeheartedly a summer lover. Bring me fall with its moderate temperatures and crisp evenings and layers and better clothing and my favourite holidays and I am happy. Summer, to me has always been a time of dread. I hate being hot, I hate sleeping in hot, I hate sweat, I hate smelling like sweat, I hate hot rain, I hate hot dry, I hate wearing tank tops and I abhor shorts. I hate sunburns, I hate humidity, I hate iced coffee and I hate the pressure that a =nice day has on you to do something productive. Maybe I want to be inside all day – ok, sun???

But since you, summer has become far more enjoyable and dare I say, I can even list some loves. I love your smell in the summer, I love the way your tiny legs look in shorts, I love baby rompers and hats, I love your smile when you play in the water, I love your glee at parks, I love walking with you or pushing you along in your little car, I love the way you stop and literally smell the flowers when we are out together (and more on that to come), I love the way that nature amazes you, I love sitting on the porch just blowing bubbles and waiting for your dad to come home. I love feeding you fresh fruits and veggies, I love that we don’t need 8000 layers just to get into the car.

So all in all, what I’m saying is that you basically make everything better and even summer has a brighter shine with you around to share it with.

xo

Mom

Hello sweet summer

The Countdown

June 1, 2017

I’m going to be honest, it’s been hard trying tot think about what I would really want to say to you right now. It’s nothing you’ve done and perhaps the very opposite it’s all the amazing things you are doing that are making it hard for me to communicate right now.

So, with the end of May, your nanny began coming 4 times a week. This is the first part of it. I love her, I really do. She is warm and sweet and she loves you and is a pleasure to have but I have never felt more useless and idle in my whole life. Filling my days is easy – there is a ton of shit to get done and I still have been picking up work and meetings here and there. But the days of filling OUR time are leaving me and I really miss you. We have not spent a full day together in a long time and even on the ones where we spend a chunk of the day together, because of how pregnant I am, I can’t do as much as I would want to.

I took you to a class last the other week and could barely keep up. I almost died carrying you up the 2 flights of stairs and I honestly didn’t have the energy to get up and down the million times I did. I must have seemed like such a shitty mom to everyone watching me huff and puff my way around after you.

The second part is that I am having a really hard time going to grips with the changes that are about to happen to us. Your dad has been giving you baths these days since it is pretty impossible for me to bend over our tub with my growing belly and tonight, from downstairs I heard you guys laughing – like really laughing together. The kind of laughing we do. I really and truly and honestly want you to love your dad and have the most profound and special relationship with him but this moment you guys shared just reminded me of all the moments that I’m going to miss with you while I care for the baby to be.

And then I feel guilty that I feel sad about it because I want this baby. I love this baby. I shouldn’t be sad to be spending time caring for and nurturing this baby. But you are all I know right now and we have been such best friends up to this point and the idea of that shifting in any way for any reason breaks my heart.

So I’m at a bit of a loss because amid al the wonderful things going on with you that I could be telling you about, there is an umbrella of these hard feelings that colour each moment.

What I should tell you is how you have developed this new and funny sleeping habit of wanting to see your star machine play coerful star and moon images on your ceiling every night before bed. It’s the worst machine and the very worst part of it is that it has a sound option where it plays a horrible loud and piercing version of twinkle twinkle which you are obsessed with. How you fall asleep to that noise is beyond me but in your newfound love for this machine you have asked me to stop singing to you. “No Peanut, No Hallelu” (I made up a version of Sweet Baby James for you that starts with “there is a young peanut” and Halleu is Hallelujah). Gone are my lullabies and now we get to listen to a god solid 10 minutes of screeching twinkle twinkle through the monitor. Bedtime got much shorter as a result but possibly less sweet?

I should tell you how you suddenly have even more words and sentences and isms. My favourite at the moment is when you say “no____, just_____” like for example, the vacuum. You hate the vacuum – why? so anytime the vacuum gets mentioned (which it seems to a lot, oddly) you say “no vacuum, just sweep.”

No Hallelu, just twinkle twinkle.

I should tell you how fearless you have been at the park and how you love going down the biggest slides you can climb on.

I should tell you how much we laugh at made up words like Purpela and Samonama.

I should tell you how much fun it is to chase after you in a field when you laugh and run the other way just to be funny.

I should tell you how amazing it is to feel this baby kicking while I read to you every day.

I should tell you how so much of my excitement in this process is the anticipation of watching you be a sister.

Instead I’ll just tell you that I love you and I hope you don’t forget about me and how much fun we have together when I can’t be around as much as I am now which already doesn’t feel like enough.

xo

Mom

The Countdown