October 12, 2016
Today is Yom Kippur- a day that had I not been home and in bed with some kind of flu-cold hybrid would have been spent reflecting and repenting on the year that has passed. This day of atonement offers us a chance to start the new year fresh from the sins of the one passed.
Most years, I apologize a lot for overindulging, for not quitting smoking, for talking shit about people for my own amusement and being a bit of a bitch.
This year, I don’t know that I have those things to repent. I haven’t over indulged in years now (mainly because I can’t stay awake after 2 glasses of wine- hello), I’ve long quit smoking, I haven’t said a word about anyone behind their backs that I wouldn’t say to their faces happily and I don’t really feel like much of a bitch.
I probably have you to thank.
This doesn’t make me a perfect person, mind you. I still think super judgemental things about other people- being a parent has made that much more lenient and extreme at the same time.
I still compare myself brutally to others wishing I was a whole slew of attributes that don’t matter.
I still give myself a really hard time for everything and suffer from a lot of anxiety that I tuck away.
And this year, in an attempt to be honest with myself, I won’t say that I will not indulge in these thoughts- I will. I can only vow to try and spin them in a more productive and meaningful way.
So while I judge I can also try to be empathetic and think kinder thoughts. I can try to temper my judgements with a compliment or understanding comment and I know FOR SURE that someone is out there judgeing me too.
Having a little girl, the one thing I can refuse to indulge in anymore is judgements about weight or looks or clothes and in fact, if you talk about any of them too much, I will judge you. We are all too old and too busy to give a fuck about a muffin top or whether we have cool tops. Our kids deserve a lot better than that.
I will compare myself to those around me but I can try to use it as a motivator to be a better human. Instead of wishing I had so and so’s body or so and so’s house or so and so’s wardrobe, I will set myself beside people who have incredible ethics and phenomenal brains and gorgeous family values. I will compare myself to people whose kindness emanates from them and who have good hearts. I will compare myself to great people because it will make me strive to be more like them.
I am probably always going to give myself a hard time. It’s a part of who I am. But maybe for every time I am hard on myself, I can offer myself some love and kindness. A moment of compassion. A hug, a good thought or a fucking bar of chocolate. Whatever.
My point is, Baby that all the attributes we have- the good and the bad are all the yins and yangs that form our person. There are always two sides to every facet of our being and to only indulge in one side is a true mistake. We are multi dimensional people and only when we open up, flourish and grow can we truly make a new year- well, new.
You have changed me profoundly and I am ever grateful but I would be a poor example to you if I wasn’t willing to change myself (or at least work bit by bit and year by year.) I am certainly not perfect and neither are you (although you are always perfect to me) but I am forever willing to work on me and help you work on you.
Happy new year- to a year of more kindness, more light and more love. Less bullshit.