May 28, 2018

Dear Babies,

Summer is officially here and even though it seems like just yesterday I was dressing you in your snow gear, these days we are all sunblock all the time. Which is worse? Who’s to say? I mean, obviously winter weather is worse but my couch is covered in a film of sunscreen and my hair somehow has the very same film in it so…

I mean, I still haven’t packed away your puffy jackets but we spent the weekend in splash pads galore and it showed me something very interesting about you. I’ll start with your poor baby sister who never gets mentioned enough for how amazing of a baby she is. She hung out with friends, ate everything she could get her tiny little hands on and basked away in the shade of a tree. She is truly delicious in the summer time and the smell of sunny baby is unbeatable.

Sure, we might have had a tiny sunburn from forgetting to apply sunscreen the first day out but such is life as seasoned parents. We forget shit now all the time.

In the meantime, about 65000000 temper tantrums were had at the mention of a splash pad. Last summer at some point you were in a splash pad when the water was not spraying and got caught directly in a spray as it went back on. Freaked you out at the time but the rest of the summer was just fine and filled with splashing. Fast forward to now when suddenly that one moment in time is a traumatic life event that we had to discuss a bajillion times over. You were sufficiently reassured enough to leave the house with us, so that was a good step.

But in true you fashion, you got there and ran through that splash pad like you had never been scared of it before. It took a tiny bit of coaxing and hand holding but by the end, the tantrums were only to stay – because if you leave an activity without your toddler freaking out, was it even fun?

But your bravery and willingness to try again were the things that stuck out to me in this experience. You were scared but still tried. You “failed” in a previous attempt at something but tried it again. Here’s a little secret, kid: most adult don’t have that kind of perseverance or bravery. Often your mom included. So kudos to you.

Daring, trying, overcoming, facing and challenging yourself and your fears will take you to some pretty amazing places. Will you get caught in a splash pad spray here and there? Sure, but you will also enjoy the feeling of freezing cold water running down your face in 30 degree temperatures (or the reasonable equivalent).

Don’t be scared of things that scare you and continue to dance in the sprinkling water any time you can.

xo

Mom

May 13, 2018

Dear Babies,

Mother’s Day is a funny holiday because it’s likes are so not appreciated  you have a mother – me, and I have a mother and in theory, she could have a mother and everyone is working collectively to please their mothers. If we have learned anything from the movies, striving to please your mother is a futile exercise and one that ends up making everyone unhappy. And so Hallmark brings you the day of all days for disappointments galore: Mother’s Day.

 

What is a day made to celebrate moms turns in to a day where you try to please your mom and usually miss the mark.

I mean, let’s be real. If you wanted to celebrate me or acknowledge my hard work as a mom you could invest in some kind of new vagina and boobs for me to have – what?? who said that??? Not me. Mine are just great… yes… greeaattttt.

K, moving on. Your poor dad spent this mother’s day trying to facilitate a nice day for me while balancing the fact that you guys are so little and have no fucking clue what’s going on or why throwing a shitty tantrums are SO not appreciated. I spent the day worrying about making my mom happy and while my mother in law was out of town (smart woman), your dad worried about pleasing his grandmother. In short everyone spent the day worrying about everyone else’s happiness.

Here’s what I propose: next year we all gather in a park where no one has to do dishes or host or cook or clean, kids can run their sillies out and we can chill on a blanket and enjoy life. Bring food if you want, don’t if you don’t want and no one needs to get busy.

I? can speak only for myself when I say that all the flowers and chocolate are super sweet and entirely unnecessary. I would rather have a multitude of days spent together happily with my kids and my mom than one day where everyone feels pressure t go overboard. I would rather be a great mom and daughter every damn day than just one. To me, that’s the greatest gift of all – years of amazing relationships.

So bye to dinners no one wants to have, family get togethers that no one wants to go to, gifts no one cares about and shit no one needs. We did a mini park chill version of my dream this year and it was fucking great. Kids had a great time, I had a great time, my mom had a great time and everyone in between didn’t have the pressure of doing a damn thing. Win.

So the lesson here is that if you are a good person and family member every day, you get cart blanche for those silly Hallmark holidays and you don’t have to buy me overpriced flowers (but you can if you want to).

As for me, I literally celebrate Mother’s Day every day because it’s the best job in the universe and I am head over heels for my two tiny bosses.

xo

Mom

May 11, 2018

Dear Babies,

Fridays are this weird day where previously, we all had stuff to do so baby had a playdate/class with nanny, you were with grandmother and I was FREEEEEEEEEE with no guilt to do whatever. Things have changed and schedules have changed and life has changed and Fridays have become a day where basically no one has anything to do. This has resulted in you wanting to join me as I try and do the usual Friday things that I do so you’ve been coming along to a variety of uninteresting places such as Walmart, Costco, Loblaws and the mall.

The issue with your joining me is that each step of every simple task takes at least double the amount of time so a simple quick grocery buying trip becomes a 2 hour affair complete with a visit to the public bathroom, some kind of crying fit over something inane, buying lots of shit I don’t need etc..

So this week, I took a stand and I left you at home (with our nanny) and ran my mofo errands alone. I got so much done in the fastest time imaginable and ticked almost every errand off my list vs. the usual getting one minor thing done that I’ve grown accustomed to.

BUT. Wow, did I miss you.

Was it worth getting so much shit done that I actually have time to be in bed right now writing a casual blog post? Kind of? But also, no.

The truth is that as you get older and older your time with me becomes more and more precious and I know the day will come when running errands with your mom won’t be what you want to do. Now, you actually wake up on Fridays excited about errand day but that will be a short lived phenom and one that I don’t want to miss.

Plus, talking to myself in public is not as endearing as chatting it up with my toddler partner in crime.

So here’s a day where the lesson is for me and it’s to stop and smell those roses and slow the fuck down. Sure, there are days where a million things just have to get done – that’s going to happen here and there no matter what but on any other day, I’m slowing things down and taking you for the ride. I’d rather dawdle in Walmart for 2 hours longer than necessary than miss spending time together. Nothing is a rush, I’m not saving any lives by grocery shopping faster and more efficiently and point in check; went to Loblaws alone today and still forgot the cheese and cilantro for my quesadillas.

Please don’t ever stop wanting to hang out with me.

xo

Mom

 

April 30, 2018

Dear Babies,

Well, it’s official. We have sold our home after a month long fling with the real estate market, buying a new home and listing our current one it’s suffice to say that I am happy to delete MLS from my browser for eternity. (Obviously kidding because I’ve already been on it today – just for shits and giggles).

It’s been a true emotional rollercoaster and even though I am traditionally a fan of rides, I was NOT a fan of this one. The angst of bidding on a house, the ambiguity of numbers surrounding the sale and purchase of a house, the unknown of listing a house and the turmoil of knowing that strangers are rifling through my motherfucking closets is just about enough to tip me right over the edge.

Are these first world problems? Yes. Do they still prevent me from a solid 2 weeks of quality sleep? Also, yes.

We spent 2.5 weeks living with my in laws while we cleaned, emptied and listed our house. We stayed away from open houses held in our home and tried hard not to die a little inside when we heard feedback like, your kitchen is too small. It’s amazing how attached you can get to an inanimate thing like a house. Like, fuck you my kitchen is too small. The irony (or whatever it is) about it all is that I am the single most critical person in the world when we were looking at houses. I’d be like, oh it’s a nice house but what a hideous carpet. Well, I’m sorry now. Sorry for calling your stair runner “awful” – I know how it feels.

Being away from home at my in-laws is kind of like a vacation but like any good vaca, you do long for the home you know so we were thrilled about seeing the house and getting to come back. And of course, the money aspect.

And now here I sit at our living room table where I have spent many an afternoon waiting for you guys to wake up from nap thinking about how weird it will be that in the very near future, this won’t be my afternoon location. I will be in a new space with new lights and new chairs making new memories and the ones of this house will fade away.

You guys will never remember a home that has had so many momentous moments happen in its walls. You’ll never know the first room you slept in as babies, the way the halls creaked and you had to walk just so to avoid waking you while you slept. The way the bathroom looked before we redid it and that clawfoot tub that was so charming when we first saw it and became the source of my nightly misery 3 years into showering in it. By the way, if you have ever wondered what it might feel like to shower in a condom, you should get a clawfoot tub.

So I’m trying hard to take some mental pictures and also real ones to show you what this home looked like. I hope to share a million stories about us here as you grow up. And I’m trying to chill the fuck out and not become a sentimental mess because the fact is that you will remember our next home and there’s a good chance it will be our forever home so at least we will all have early and great memories to make there.

What I can say about all this nostalgia is going to make you barf but it’s this: home is where you guys are and that’s something to remember wherever you end up in the world (hopefully next door to me). These walls and doors and ceilings and floors are just things and the real memories we have and shared experiences we have collected are all about the 4 (5 if we count the dog) of us have made together. We might not remember what the hall looked like that you first walked down but we are sure to remember the first time you walked.

So if home is truly where the heart is then take this heart and get it into our awesome new space and let’s make ourselves a new home. I’m sure it won’t be stressful at all…

xo

Mom

May 1, 2018

Dear Babies,

This month began with a bang – and by bang I mean, plop because Baby, you decided with fierce resolve that it was time to stop wearing diapers and it’s been all potty talk in our house ever since.

Funny enough, the plan was to give you a gentle potty experience over the weekend where we had intended to let you run around bare assed and just figure out the how and when of bathroom-ing but you went ahead and made that plan moot.

And we’ve been on a roll! We’ve gone to classes, school and beyond in your little underwear and you’ve been amazing. You’ve been vocal about using the bathroom and so good about adapting to different bathroom situations.

But the best thing about the bathroom adventures are how incredibly proud you are of yourself. Each time you have a success, you beam and run to share the news of your achievement. I am watching you feel confident and assured and happy and it’s totally beautiful.

I know that soon enough you won’t remember doing anything but sitting on a toilet and a day when no one will congratulate you for taking a shit (because I can tell you from personal experience, people just think it’s weird if you tell them about your poo as an adult) so I’m savouring this milestone while it lasts.

And isn’t it just so typically you to just wake up one morning ready to go. I keep forgetting how independent you are and how much you thrive when you are allowed to call the shots. When I leave these big things in your tiny bit capable hands, you always shine. It’s a great reminder to trust you more and let you take control of these parts of your own life.

So the lesson is mine today – because I’m not always the teacher, you guys constantly take that role as I grow in parenthood.

In the meantime, how much do I love your little bum in pants now without that bulky diaper??

a lot.

xo

Mom

April 26, 2018

Dear Babies,

I’m an asshole. Every time I promise myself and this blog some more consistency, I go and fuck off for like, a month straight leaving you in the lurch. You might be wondering such things as: what’s going on with me? what’s happening in our lives right now? How can you possibly be expected to keep up with yourself if I don’t tell you anything???

And isn’t that a perfect intro to the theme of our life right now – the “why” times. Why is the sky blue? Why do I have to wear a jacket and why don’t babies come out of daddies penis (and yes, you actually asked me that question this morning over cereal).

Why? Well, truth be told kid, I have no fucking clue. For the most part your “why” questions are hard and give me pause to come up with a semblance of a proper answer. I mean, why don’t babies come out of penises? It’s a question I ask myself regularly as I struggle with peeing a little when I jump too hard post-baby. Why do you have to wear a jacket? You’re a human being who can make decisions so I don’t have a real answer for that. Because it’s cold?

But more than stumping me daily with your questions, you really just amaze me with your curiosity. Like a tiny pint sized sponge, you suck up every little thing. Say a word, any word and you will be on it like a hawk (which is why you describe the smell of your poos as “shit.” Yup kid, your poo does smell like shit indeed). Yesterday morning when I was frustrated about opening a jar and sighed in dismay you said “oh for fuck sake, mommy” – ok? FOR FUCK SAKE. I know I’m harping on the swear words but it’s more like anything I say becomes your new vocab and it is v. impressive.

And yes, so you know, the “why” is annoying. Why do I have to eat my breakfast? Why do we have to get dressed? Why are you going to the bathroom? Why does my sister need a nap? Why can’t I come in and talk while you put her to bed? Why am I home alone today with 2 sick kids who won’t stop asking me questions about every single thing? Who knows. Life is weird.

But the lesson to impart today is this: ask those questions. Say “why” to everything and keep that little brain growing and learning. Your desire to know more and soak up the information and world around you is a beautiful thing and your mind is a beautiful growing garden. Don’t let my tiny stints of irritability or annoyance at your consistent questioning deter you from seeking the truth – your truth.

In the meantime, if you’re ever curious about what having a toddler is like, ask yourself “why” 6500000 times then kick yourself in the shin, give yourself a big sloppy kiss and say “I love you” and you’ve just about got it.

xo

Mom

March 19, 2018

Dear Babies,

So I wanted to tell you about packing for a vacation in the hopes that it will at the very least, help me next time I’m wondering what to pack and googling and then packing way too much of crap we didn’t need and not enough of anything we did.

So first of all: diapers. Ok, this is a very time specific item as by next trip one of you will for sure be out of diapers but for now I had 2 diaper wearers. What the fuck. They take up so much damn room. We managed to properly calculate the amount of diapers we would need for day to day but then failed with swim diapers.

Swim diapers. I hate you.

So I went and bought these awesome seeming reusable swim diapers which freaked out your dad because he was all like, I don’t want to wash those out. Which was fair because both of you took your fair share of aqua dumps. But anyways, because of the reusable ones, I didn’t pack enough swim diapers. For a package of 11 new swim diapers our hotel charged us 50 American dollars. What the actual fuck.

Lesson: being enough of your own damn diapers. Same goes for any necessity including; sanitary products, sunscreen and medicine.

In the clothing department I would say that I underestimated the night time attire we would need. I packed each kid 3 bathing suits but not enough clothing to eat dinner in. Nights weren’t fancy or fussy but for the baby specifically, dinner attire was lacking and covered in stains.

Lesson: think thoughtfully about your clothing needs. Overpacking is stupid but only having one top for night time is too.

I honestly must have packed every damn toiletry I own. Like why did I think I was going to have time or desire to perform a 20 minute clay reinvigorating face treatment on my vacation? Truth: I barely wanted to wash my face. I love the way ocean air makes skin feel and the natural vitamins from the sun and sea were a welcome relief from my cupboard of serums that had no business in my luggage.

Lesson: less is more and high maintenance is fucking annoying.

Finally, stuff. I packed toys and book and all sorts of shit for you guys to play with and we used a grand total of none of it. Maybe that’s just the kids you are but honestly, how can a toy compete with running around and enjoying the sights, sounds and tastes of a vacation.

Lesson: if you learn how to have fun without toys and screens, you can really appreciate the value and beauty of a travel experience.

Overall, my new motto is less and more is better. I’m sure this will totally help ease my packing stress next time around… right?

xo

Mom

March 19, 2018

Dear Babies,

I swear that every time I promise to write more, I end up writing less. Just call me mom of the year.

So since we last spoke, we’ve had an amazing vacation and March break. Both were pretty fabulous.

I’ll start with the trip because we may as well catch up chronologically. So your dad and I decided to take you both to an all-inclusive in Jamaica. We’re both not all-inclusive type people (meaning, we prefer travel and adventure to unlimited pina coladas) but we figured that travelling with 2 little ones was stressful enough and having someone take care of meals, cleaning and entertainment would be a welcome treat.

It was. Big time.

I can honestly say I haven’t been so blissed out since pre-kids as I was on this vacation. We spent every single day in pure vacation mode which meant ice cream for snacks, naps when we felt tired, sun soaked floats in the ocean and yes, many pina coladas.

There were no strict schedules, we never had to be anywhere, we had no one to answer to or meet with and we basically did whatever the fuck we wanted. That alone was a super treat. You don’t know how busy you are until you take some time to chill out.

The resort itself was a total dream. The food was great, the service was great and they had a wicked water park that was a toddler’s dream come true. We spent mornings on a cabana by the ocean and afternoons lounging by the water park. You kids were so fun and spent hours in the water with us.

We had minimal tantrums and maximum enjoyment. Plus, every single thing I had stressed about pre-trip ended up being a non issue.

I was worried we wouldn’t pack enough- that was a joke (more on that later), I was worried about you guys sharing a room – it was super easy, I was worried about ruining your nap schedules – nope, sleep schedules – nope, I was worried about actually having fun – never wanted to leave. I was worried you wouldn’t want to swim – couldn’t get you guys out of the water.

So glad I stressed about nothing. As usual.

So now I basically want to move to an island and live by the water in a forever vacation. So ya, it was a good week.

More to come.

xo

Mom

February 14, 2018

Dear Babies,

Happy Valentines Day to you both. On a day celebrating love, its fitting that I tell you how much I love you both and how much you fill my heart with joy. There is no way you will ever understand how much love I have for you but my hope is that the feeling is mutual and that I have a million more years to tell you all about it. Ug, mom, you’re so lame. Totally. I am. Get over it.

Our little baby has the biggest eyes in the world and they sparkle every time you look at her. She is happy, joyful and easily amused. She loves to be engaged and touched and when you hold her, she cuddles.

Our big baby has the bluest eyes in the world. They look like sweet tranquil seas. She is thoughtful, sensitive and hilarious. I laugh out loud multiple times a day with her. Genuinely. She loves to hear stories and when you aren’t looking, she is memorizing them.

Both my girls display kindness, love and affection to one another and to us every single day and we are GRATEFUL.

And I’m to holier than thou. My house is a fucking mess 100% of the time. I have help to clean and watch my kids. My car is a total disaster and filled with at least 4 pairs of shoe per kid and I currently have oatmeal from breakfast (it’s 2pm) attached to my sweater. Yesterday I didn’t brush my teeth until 3pm. I’m drinking cold coffee cup #3 and I’m dreading nap time ending because I am tired and I want to close my eyes for like, a day or 7 before resuming mom-ing.

This doesn’t negate how fucking grateful I am or how much I love you. Love is everything. It’s good and bad and fun and boring and exciting and dull and sweet and sour. So to all the moms out there who today, and every day love their kids so fucking fiercely it hurts, happy Valentines Day.

To my kids who made me a mom and allowed me the forum to even feel this crazy stuff, Happy Valentine’s Day.

It may be a Hallmark holiday but any day that celebrates our love for one another is a great one in my books.

xo

Mom

PS. I obviously love your dad, my ultimate Valentine but this post was made to not gross you out and celebrate you. If you want to hear me gust about your dad, give me like, 800 hours and I can let you have it.

 

February 12, 2018

Dear Babies,

When the weekend begins with your dad getting into a car accident twice in one day, it’s not going to go well. Friday was an awful day (weather wise) and a truck smashed your dad’s car (thankfully, he was fine). He spent the day dealing with the aftermath of the accident (which was a whole fucking nuisance in itself) and didn’t make it home until after bedtime making it the third time this week I did a solo bedtime. Not going to lie, I’m the new bedtime master over here. 2 kids? No problem. We cancelled our trip up north to deal with the car and resigned ourselves to a shit weekend.

We missed Friday swim class as a result and the weather prevented our expected visitors so it was a long day of playing at home together. THANK GAWD FOR KID IMAGINATION. Oh, and crafts.

Saturday was hardly an improvement. Bad weather and kids recovering from a cold meant a nearby indoor activity. Hello, Yorkdale. We go to the mall any time we need open space for you to run around and we need to be indoors. There is literally zero shopping done – we rarely even go into stores, you just run through the mall free as a bird and we often stay for lunch. Sometimes we visit Nordstrom for a balloon, sometimes we get a smoothie and we always spend at least 5-10 minutes riding up and down an escalator somewhere. I never thought I’d be that mall parent but it’s so much less stressful than an indoor playground on a shitty day.

By the afternoon, weather was crazy again and we again, stayed home and hung out.

That night, our dog got sick and had to be taken to the emergency dog hospital (bladder infection – because, of course). Sunday aside from a grocery trip, we didn’t leave the house. We stayed in pyjamas (including the grocery trip) and played. We built forts, baked energy balls and hung out. On paper, it was the worst weekend we’ve had in a long time.

BUT.

Sometimes, just spending time together is enough to turn it around. We are often so busy on weekends with friends and family that we miss hours of our own family togetherness. So when your dad and I lay down after putting you guys to bed on Sunday and reflected, the shitty weekend actually looked pretty good to us. We got to laugh with our kids, spend time enjoying cuddles and games and your dad even found time to organize our pantry.

Babies, it’s all about perspective and just because something seems to be less fun than what you anticipate or are used to, doesn’t mean it will be. We made the best of a crap situation and came out pretty relaxed all things considered.

In the meantime, this optimism does not negate the major Monday blues.

xo

Mom