Baby watcher 

August 8, 2016

Dear Baby,

Well, today was the day. In my mind when we hired your new nanny it felt far away in the distance but like everything with you, time went by too fast and we arrived in the moment. 

As I get more and more involved in work and you are more and more of a real challenge to entertain, we decided that part time help would be the right fit. It would give me a chance to both do some dedicated work and get shit done without having to navigate how to bring you along. 

Truth? I love and hate it. The freedom is freeing and stifling. The time is wanted and resented and the fact that you really really like your new nanny is wonderful and heartbreaking. 

I think that one of the hardest things for me to wrap my head around as you inch towards one and take more steps to being independent is that you don’t need me in the same way. There was a time not long ago that I would never have been able to leave you for a day with a new person. Both for mommyitis and for nursing reasons. 

Now, it’s no big deal and you are happy as a clam. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy too. I thought it was important for you to have a lot of different stimulation and to form kind attachments to other people. I’m proud to see you beginning to do so. I feel like I have done something right that you are so happy and willing to be with another loving person and don’t have fear. 

But in my rose coloured glasses I miss those days of you being physically on top of me all day. I’m sure at the time I wanted to fucking kill myself but in hindsight, it’s seems pretty sweet. 

But here is what I think we can take from this: you can never have too much love in your life. Life only gets richer and more valuable when you fill it with people who are kind and wonderful. 

I’m so happy that you have such loving people in your life at the ripe age of 10.5 months. You have your parents (spoiler alert- we are fucking obsessed with you,) your grandparents and now your new friend. Plus, let’s not forget koala. 

Sidebar: just as I was wrapping my head around the idea of not being needed as much by you, you went to bed kissing your stuffed koala and when I asked for a kiss you punched me in the face. 

Kick ’em while they’re down. 

Anyways, my wish is that you always are surrounded by loving kindness and that you always have an open heart for new people who enter your life. 

But obviously love your mom the most. Kidding. Not kidding. 

xo

Mom

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Baby watcher 

Break up Baby

August 6, 2016

Dear Baby,

I’ve been thinking about this day for a while now and I need to start out by saying that it’s not you, it’s me. Wait. Actually I think it is mutual. I wasn’t sure how it would all play out but now that it is here, it feels like the natural end to what has been a pretty crazy relationship. 

It began on a high note but quickly turned volitile and dark. I shed so many tears over you. 

But I tried. We both tried to make it work. We sought counselling and encouragement, we spoke to friends and family. We worked hard to stay together and in the end we did. And it got better. 

We fell in love and the relationship became natural. It became easy. It became hard to believe that it had ever been any other way. And then something changed again. 

I don’t blame you at all but you began to pull away. You needed me less and maybe I in turn had less to offer. Where we once couldn’t go hours without each other we now went almost half a day. And the times we were together felt rushed and insignificant. 

Close to the end, we only had one interaction per day. And it was lacklustre. A shadow of what once was.

I thought maybe some time apart would reinvigorate us but instead it just confirmed what I guess I already knew. The end was now. It was time. I went away for a day and you didn’t notice. It broke my heart. 

And so with that it ended. On a bittersweet note. I’m happy that it happened, sad it is over, proud that you made the choice to move on and grow and worried that it will never be the same between us again.

And the lesson here is that sometimes you just don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. I didn’t know how sad I would really be to stop breastfeeding you until I did it. It was natural and mutual and the way our story unfolded and still I feel like I have closed the door forever on a big part of what has been my life for the past year. 

I will always look back on this time with rose coloured glasses and remember the love we shared and the bond we had. In time the memories of blood, sweat and tears will be erased forever. 

Keep in touch. I hope homo milk treats you well. 

xo

Mom (‘s boobs)

Break up Baby

A night without a baby

August 4, 2016

Dear Baby,

After a full week of being sick with a totally gross cold it was time to go on a trip that I had been planning for some time. It was me, my girlfriend and a date with the spa for an overnight getaway. My very first since having you. 

I was both excited and terrified. Excited to be away and to get some time to just be with a friend completely uninterrupted and terrified to leave you. Would you be ok? Would you miss me? 

I have to say that the whole thing went down pretty seamlessly. The night away was lovely. I relaxed, took a hammock nap, got a massage and really enjoyed some girl time over wine and cheese. We hiked and swam and just chilled. 

I also have to say that the time away really showed me how much I love my life with you. Yes, it was nice not to have to plan my every move around naps and food and poo but the truth is that I don’t mind those things one bit. It was a good reminder that my life with you isn’t that stressful to begin with. 

It was also a nice reminder to how much I really trust your dad. I didn’t feel the need to check up on you every five seconds because I really knew that you were in good hands. Sure, he fed you grilled cheese and fries as a meal but it wouldn’t be “cool dad time” without a little indulgence. It is easy to get the time that you need when you have someone so capable in your life. 

But boy did I want to come home to you by the end. 

Massaged, slept, exercised and tanned I was ready. 

Because sitting here listening to you sing in your crib (instead of nap) and waking up to your amazing little face making snake sounds is a thousand times more rejuvenating than any spa day ever. 

I am such a loser. 

But I love you. 

xo

Mom

A night without a baby

Blowing your nose beside baby

August 2, 2016

Dear Baby,

What stared as a tickle in my throat has grown into THE GROSSEST COLD EVER. Being sick and taking care of a baby is the. Worst. 

I would love to elaborate on both how shitty this cold is and what else we have been up to but I actually can’t stare at the screen without tearing up. My face is a fucking faucet. 

So I love you and I’ll be back with more soon. 

xo

Mom

Blowing your nose beside baby