It’s Award Season, Baby

February 28, 2016

Dear Baby,

I’m sitting with your dad watching the Academy Awards red carpet and forcing him to analyze dresses with me. He’s a good sport. 

Leonardo Dicaprio. What can’t he do (aside from win an Oscar, as of yet). Leo is basically 100% a part of my sexual awakening as a teen. Basketball Diaries and ROMEO AND JULIET. For gosh sakes, he was fucking ROMEO (plus Clare Danes, I die for her pre- Carrie Matheson cry face- My So Called Life. Yes please). 

So, ya. Leo. Love him, Baby. 

He’s nominated this year and just did his red carpet interview and thanked his mom for believing in his dreams and letting him audition for Hollywood back when he was a little kid. 

There is something amazing about a parent who indulges the dreamy wishes of their kid. I think “I want to be a famous actor” is something that many kids have said. I know I said it. But to be taken seriously is a whole other ballgame. 

I felt pretty moved by this comment. Like, if Leonardo Dicaprio’s parents hadn’t taken a chance on their little peanut, I wouldn’t have had the chance to swoon over my VHS (what’s that, you ask). 

I think often- with the best intentions, of course- parents impose their wants onto their children. Like, if you had always wanted to take ballet you might really want your kid doing pirouettes. If you hated piano, you might never want to torture your kid with Chopsticks. 

Me, I’ve always thought that you should do some kind of sport since I didn’t and now I don’t know how to run and I’m not allowed on my friend’s little league baseball team. True story. 

But the truth is, Baby you should do you. All us parents need to simmer the fuck down and step back to really hear what you want and take a good long look to see who you really are. 

The bigger message here today is to try and really listen to people around you. We get so caught up in our own bullshit and if we take the time, we can really help to nurture great things around us. Yes, as a parent, this is SUPER FUCKING IMPORTANT. But also as a human. 

So with that I promise to try my hardest to let you tell me what you want and to try and help you make all your dreams come true so that one day you can recall as fondly as Leo did tonight how your mother gave you the tools to reach for the stars. 



It’s Award Season, Baby

Bad Baby Body

February 24, 2016

Dear Baby,

It’s not like I blame you per say, but all I know is this; before I had you I had a bit of back pain from an old injury and was otherwise a fully functioning human being. Since having you my body has actually stopped working and I find new ailments on the daily. I feel like I 100 YEARS OLD.

My back, once the only issue in this body of mine is now worse and still not the top of my “what pains me” list. Did you know that you could experience knee pain? Well, you can. Know what makes knee pain worse? Being on your knees or getting up and down from a certain play mat on the floor. Again, not saying that my knees are your fault but if the shoe fits…

And worse yet is wrist pain. WRIST PAIN, OK???? What the fuck is that? I can’t even begin to imagine how I injured my wrist (certainly not from lugging around a bucket seat with a baby in it everywhere- seriously, it’s not even how heavy they are because I can’t really complain since you are pint sized but it’s how awkward they are to carry. I sometimes see moms carrying them as if they are as light and easy as a crossbody purse. HOW?????).

Of course, I could just not do these things that hurt me but how fun would that be? The best parts of my day are getting down and playing with you on your mat or shlepping you around town to do things together. How crap would it be for me to stop that? My sadness would far outweigh my pain.

My physiotherapist is all like, take 20 minutes per day and roll on a foam roller. Oh for sure. If I had 20 minutes for a foam roll sesh then maybe I wouldn’t have 2 huge baskets of laundry that are not getting done today.

In fairness, she is right. As my mom had reminded me over and over (and over and over) again, the only way to fight off your weak ass body is to maintain it with daily movement and therapy. It’s so typical of me to complain all the damn time about something and then complain just as much about the obvious solution. Do I really not have 20 minutes to spare per day for the betterment of my body? When you fell asleep today I did 6 Buzzfeed quizzes so I think the answer is clear.

So may I take this moment to remind you Baby, not be frivolous with your body. TAKE CARE OF THOSE PRECIOUS LIMBS, APPENDAGES AND CORE. If you want to be a total idiot like your mom, then expect to have a slew of complaints about your achy bones that will go uncared about because no one likes a whiny baby.

In the meantime, I’ll be taking this spare moment to bust out that foam roller. Leading by example. Or trying to…


(your ever complaining ) Mom

Bad Baby Body

Invading the Baby Boundaries. 

February 23, 2016

Dear Baby,

So this past weekend I was at Costco with you and ran into this girl I knew back in high school. She just had her second baby and so we stopped to chat about you and her guy and the very first question she asked me was if I had sleep trained you. 

What. The. Fuck. 

Ok, I think it’s bad enough that I talk about sleep for 80% of my day. Do I need to get into the dirty details of it with a relative stranger? Asking about the backend to the functioning of my baby seems pretty damn personal. Also, when did sleep training become so normal that we discuss it casually over the book display at Costco. 

K. Pretty sure that sleep gets talked about so much because it is every parents biggest problem. No one spends hours talking about their kid smiling (and if they did, I would not really want to listen) but sleep is this shared challenge that every new parent goes through. There is comfort in the commiseration. 

So asking about it bold faced to someone who you don’t really know seems a bit mean. It would be like me noticing that you are struggling with acne and then just bluntly asking you how your skincare regimen is going. OBVIOUSLY NOT VERY FUCKING WELL. 

Plus, assuming that everyone sleep trains their kids is a bit ridiculous. Like, does everyone in the whole world sleep the same way? Did this girl and myself have the same night sleep? NO! So why would her kid and my kid need the same things?

Plus, if I did sleep train, again that is a personal thing. It is the logistics that go into the organization of your home life. It’s like assuming that every couple goes to therapy and then asking about it casually. Like, nice to see you, it’s been so long. Oh, your married now? Do you see a couples therapist? YOU WOULD NEVER EVER ASK THAT. LIKE, EVER. 

Know your limit and stay within it. 

Baby, whether it’s asking a new mom if she sleep trains or asking another equally stupid question, please try and have some tact. People like their privacy and you can be sure that if someone is just dying to tell you about their personal experiences, they will. 

In the meantime, keep up this epic nap you are taking on me. 



Invading the Baby Boundaries. 

Baby, plug your ears-fuck you very much you inconsiderate asshole drivers. 

February 22, 2016

Dear Baby,

It’s a fast paced world we live in. People are rushing to get here and there and often in the mad dash to wherever, manners get strewn aside. Now I don’t claim to be Madam Etiquette (who is definitely not a person anyway) but I do believe that we could all stand to slow down, open our eyes and chill the fuck out. 

Case in point is driving. Anytime. Especially with you in the back. 

I have always hated driving. 

Not for the act of pressing a foot on a pedal and moving a motor vehicle along a paved road but for the losers who share that road with me. Driving brings out this weird self importance and selfishness that I feel is the crux of what is wrong with our world. Too deep? Not deep enough??

Like, where could you possibly have to be going that you need to cut everyone off and drive at a reckless speed down a highway? Where? Are you secretly the most important human on the planet earth? Does the fate of all mankind rest in your being somewhere? Do you hold the key to the survival of our solar system that you must get to at a specific second or miss the opportunity to save life as we know it? 

Or, are you a fucking douchebag who just can’t possibly wait like a normal person to get where they are going? Does your inflated sense of self importance make you feel like you are above the rules of the road? 

I can tell you one thing for sure. You are NOT a new parent who has been reminded of the precious nature of life because they have a tiny defenceless little human riding with them. 

If you were you would know that every time some asshole around you does something unsafe like doesn’t look before turning or texts while driving (here’s looking at you, bitch in a blue BMW on Dufferin yesterday morning), you fucking freak out. 

A man honked me the other day for not making a turn that I didn’t think I had time to make and I almost got out of my car and fucking strangled him (not really). Like, actually how much faster would you have arrived at THE MALL (ok, the fucking mall. Like, I KNOW there is nothing urgent there for sure). And was it worth leaning on your horn and WAKING UP MY SLEEPING BABY?????


People on the road need to check themselves. How about this? If you have to be somewhere at a very specific time, leave with ample time to spare. If you want to drive 100 over the speed limit, hit up a racetrack (and sorry about your obviously tiny penis). 

Baby, today’s lesson is actually a warning. You’d better be a damn good and respectful driver. If you don’t give a fuck about your own safety and mental well being while operating a car, you had better consider this people around you who might. 

You should not need to be driving around a newborn baby to be a good and kind human being/ driver. The end. 



Baby, plug your ears-fuck you very much you inconsiderate asshole drivers. 

Baby Food

February 21, 2016

Dear Baby,

All month I have watched you watching me eat. You gaze longingly at my bowl of oatmeal and make tiny chew movements with your mouth so I was certain that you were signalling to me “feed me.”

Yesterday we decided to make all your gastro dreams come true. Baby, you met sweet potato and your life was forever changed. 

We put you in your cute little booster chair, tied a bib on and gave you a spoonful of sweet potato mush and you just loved it. Your expression went from “this is weird” to “are you really letting me eat this” to “more more more”!

With such a successful experience under our belt, I thought I would share some ways to help encourage a love of food:

1. Make food fun. Whether it is plopping some mush down on your tray so you could get your hands right into it or making a family style bouillabaisse that everyone digs into sans utensils after way too much wine (aka last night), it’s fun to enjoy food in a relaxed way. 

2. Lead by example. If you want everyone around you to be good, healthy eaters than eat something good and healthy. If you won’t eat what you want others to eat, you can expect food issues to pop up right, left and centre. Be mindful

3. Make food time a time for family and friends. Food is best shared. Mealtime is a great time to talk and enjoy something with others. 

4. Get messy. You have to clean up after dinner either way. 

5. Get creative. Explore different tastes and textures any time you can. The world has a lot to offer. Some things will just amaze you and you will learn by trial what you don’t like too  

6. Cook. Nothing makes you appreciate something more than building it yourself. 

Overall Baby, I hope you love food and that you guys have a great relationship. So far, it seems to be going along swimmingly.



Baby Food

Back away baby

February 20, 2016

Dear Baby,

About a week or so ago you started reaching. It was SO CUTE. Your little arms would extend out to grab at things that delighted you. Our poor vase of flowers got grabbed quite a bit but the brunt of your reaching out fell on me. You developed what is technically referred to as “mommyitis.”

I have mixed feeling about this affliction. On the one hand, I love that you pretty much exclusively want to be with me. Who wouldn’t? You are a delicious tiny human. I feel amazing knowing that you feel safest and most comfortable with me and I thrive on the opportunities to make you feel secure and loved. 

On the other hand, I have always really been annoyed with kids who just cling to their moms all the time. To some extent it is normal but when a kid won’t even look at you without their mom, I think it’s a bit much. I really don’t want you to become one of those kids who won’t go to anyone or look at anyone or be comfortable with anyone but me. 

The good news is that this behaviour is indicative of a great change happening inside your brain! Periods of clingy and cranky-ness are often precursors to a slew of new mental developments that will allow you to perform brand new activities. 

The even better news is that this is just the beginning of all the amazing learning you will do. Watching you grow is (almost) even better than being furiously cuddled by a tiny baby. 

The bad news (for me) is that this time will undoubtly come to an end and you will even possibly reject me at some point in your life. You will forget all about how good mommy made you feel when you were unsure and you will move on. I will forever hold onto the times that you cuddled into me so tightly that we felt like one person. 

Baby, pretty sure today’s point is clear. Stop right now wherever you are and come give your mom a cuddle (or depending where things are at, at least spend some time fondly thinking about your mom). 

You are probably way past your mommyitis but I will ever be past my babyitis. 



Back away baby

Baby Mamas Unite

February 19, 2016

Dear Baby,

I get it, we all think that our little humans are the best little humans on the entire planet. I almost crapped myself in excitement when you put a toe in your mouth so I can only imagine (and hope) that other moms are just as excited about a plethora of random stuff that their precious baby does. 

I am so fortunate to have a group of mamas that seem to really support each other. We socialize in a space where there is no comparing what our babies do, where there doesn’t seem to be any outward judgement of choices made and where I for one, truly and wholeheartedly celebrate the achievements of the other mamas and babes around me. 

The unfortunate part of this great situation is that it is not the case 100% of the time. I have also had the displeasure of hanging out with mamas who are comparative and competitive and who voice their judgements loud and clear without provocation. 

To those mamas and to all mamas out there, here is my message. IT IS TIME TO UNITE. 

For reals. 

Do we not all get enough judgement and shit from strangers, from our well meaning relatives, from our partners and from society in general? 

Do we really need to bring it into the sisterhood of motherhood?

Here’s the thing, I don’t give any fucks at all what your kid does in comparison to mine. Is little X crawling at the exact same age as my baby? Don’t care. Does your baby do complex math while my baby is just learning how to grab objects with her WHOLE HAND? Good for you. 

Hey, did you let your kid cry it out and you think it’s fucking crazy that someone else wakes up 5 times a night to pander to their baby? Keep that shit to yourself. Do you secretly think the mama next to you who is formula feeding her little one is doing it all wrong? Shut the fuck up about it. 

Honestly, I can say for sure that we are all just trying the very best we can. The battle stories I hear from friends are often horrific and I’ll tell you this; if my baby bit off a chunk of my nipple (true story) you’d bet your bottom dollar that I  would give up breast feeding forever. I promise that her kid will be just the same as all kids no matter what kind of milk they drink. 

But it’s hard, mamas. It’s hard not to fall into the trap of competition. More recently someone was commenting on how when their baby was 5 months they were sitting up and how fucking amazing THEIR baby was at basically everything. I actually cringed when I heard myself say “my baby is sitting up now too.”


What weird primal instinct made me engage in such gross behaviour???

There is not one single element of life where we so willingly attack and compare such extremely personal things as this journey in parenting. 

And really, are any of us so fucking perfect?? 

So Baby and baby mamas, ENOUGH.

Let’s get to a place where the response to “my baby is sitting” is a genuine “that’s amazing,” where we applaud a mama who is formula OR breast feeding her baby for just feeding her baby. 

Where we keep those snarky comments to ourselves and don’t pass judgement on our fellow moms. We are all a part of the joy and struggle here and no one is doing it better than anyone else. 

And if after all that you still think you are holier than thou, you don’t deserve any mamas to unite with. 

To the rest of us, keep up the great work!

(Ps. Baby, don’t be a crazy judgemental and competitive biatch. Seriously. Be confident and complimentary and celebrate the success of others just as genuinely as you celebrate your own. You don’t have to be a united mama to be a really nice and good person- k??)



Baby Mamas Unite