September 30, 2016

Dear Baby,

In my past life, I would have spent today visiting the new Uniqlo storey hat just opened downtown to buy some cheap yet awesome jeans. In this life we went to a “baby drumming class.” Basically the same in terms of coolness and fun for me. 

What can I tell you about baby drumming? It was pretty awful. I’m just going to say that if you don’t like kids, don’t teach a baby drumming class. The instructor had the personality of a baby hating mop. When you curiously picked up her music sheet I thought she was going to smack you in the head. 

The drums themselves are truly precious instruments. You can’t sit on them, you can’t stand up with them, you can’t drink near them and you MUST follow a beat.  Well, you kids are one. One. Can you follow a beat? Yesterday you flung a diaper of poo at your own head so- a full drum beat might be slightly beyond your scope of talents. 

Also precious drums, babies are so messy. If you can’t take the mess, get out of the baby class. Amiright?

The good news is that your friends are in the class and you get to hang with them. The bad news is that if you make too much noise or move too far away from me I’m pretty sure the teacher is going to turn into a demon monster and bite your fucking head off. 

Here’s some advice in lieu of that. Don’t work in a field where you hate your life. Everyone can tell when someone is miserable and you will suck at your job. Try and find something that at the very least, you can bear doing. You’ll be way better off (and a lot less terrifying.)

xo

Mom

September 27, 2016

Dear Baby,

We are a bit late to the “age appropriate” you game and months after we should have, we finally got you a super sweet walker. It’s hilarious and not too dissimilar to the kinds of walkers that old ladies use making it even funnier. Because we have sick senses of humour over here. 

Well lo and behold, has walker- will walk. 

You took that thing all around the house. Granted our house front to back isn’t very long but you marched those little legs back and forth. It must have been exhausting. 

Watching your determined little face as you moved across the floor made me think that at its core, this attempt to walk can serve you in a million other facets of your life. 

Because walking (for you, right now) is really challenging. You have to balance, hold yourself up, move and watch where you are going. 

This is one of the first of many challenges that will come your way. Some will be much greater than walking. 

But in the face of any challenge you can always come back to this: the first step is just putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. (Unless the challenge is a backwards challenge. In that case forget everything I am saying.)

Anything that seems daunting can be achieved by just trying and setting the wheels in motion to get it done. 

One day you will be walking sans old lady walker, flying around this house and will forget all about how hard it was to take those first steps. Walking will seem rudamentry and second nature. But like everything, you had to start somewhere and I’ll be there every step of the way to remind you how you nailed the challenge of walking by just putting one foot in front of the other. 

xo

Mom

September 24, 2016

Dear Baby,

A week after you turned one I was booked to leave for Muskoka for a night away with some friends. This would be the second time leaving you alone at home for the night with you dad. 

Last time I went it was kind of surreal. It went by in a bit of a blur. This time it was way more slow paced and I could really appreciate how nice it was to relax. Maybe it was being with my crew of moms whose babes have all grown up with you, maybe it was the wine we cracked open at 11am, maybe it was just being in gorgeous landscape. Whatever it was, it was good. 

There’s something really special about finding these people with whom to share your most profound experiences. Having “mom friends”- who are actually just friends, is a fucking blessing. You don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t have to tamper what you say. You can drift in conversation from diapers to divorce without missing a beat and when you feel both delighted to have zero responsibility, sad to miss an afternoon with your babe and guilty about both- it’s all understood. 

I guess the thing about surrounding yourself with people who you just get is that you will be gotten. 

It’s one of the coolest things about growing up- meeting people, remeeting people, always knowing the same people. The evolution of friendships and the way the change and grow with you. 

So find some great people and then go away a bunch with them. Leave your responsibilities to someone capable and relax. Rest. Laugh. Stargaze. Enjoy. 

But just like the weekend, no matter where you or I go, I’ll always miss you and be happiest to be back at home kissing your snakey little face. 

xo

Mom

September 18, 2016

Dear Baby,

One year ago today you lay in my arms and I thought “what the fuck do I do now?” You were a tiny fragile alien and I was a scared new mom. Today we woke up to a bright eyed girl who clapped (and then cried) as we sang her Happy Birthday. 

In what seemed like a blink of an eye, you went from alien to human and from baby to a beautiful little one year old girl. 

We celebrated the day with our family at Chudleigh’s apple farm and I have to say that it is too bad you won’t remember this day. It was amazing. We took a tractor ride, picked apples, pet farm animals and ate hot dogs in a barn. We sang to you again and watched as you ate your first piece of cake. 

Now we can say this for sure: apples and corn are a fan favourite for you. Never has a little girl been so enthusiastic about an apple as you were. Apple was swiftly forgotten when you met corn. You were truly meant to be a fall baby to enjoy the fresh taste of Ontario’s finest. 

You actually pet a farm animal- which was nuts because last farm we went to you lost your mind (in a bad way) when we merely approached a horse. This time you pet a cow. I credit all the books I have been reading you about cows. (Side note: weird that there are so many books about cows.)

You smiled all day despite being hot and tired and even though you can’t speak I’m sure you were saying “my mom is the fuckin best party planner and overall human being” with your eyes. Or you were pooping. Same same. 

And of course,  the perfect moment was presenting you with cake. You touched it tentatively at first. What is this giant slab of color?? You took the tiniest morsel into your mouth and likely had a taste explosion. It took you 10 seconds to literally shovel the rest of the cake into your mouth. 

I’m not a proponent of too much sugar but Let’s just say that your heightened state made the car ride home a breeze. We were worried that you would fall asleep- sugar to the rescue. 

We ended the day here at home and at the park. You spent the whole day smiling and while I can’t be sure that you had the best day of your life, it really seemed like it. 

And the truth? Your dad and I had the best day. There is nothing that makes us happier than celebrating you and watching you enjoy yourself. It’s better than cake. Trust me. 

Tomorrow we go back to normal life but today we revel in the wonder that is you, Baby. 

Thank you for being you. One year ago you made us parents and changed shit up forever. Can’t think of a better thing to celebrate than that. 

Happy birthday, Baby!

xo

Mom

September 17, 2016

Dear Baby,

I could go and list another one of your amazing qualities tonight and sing your praises but Baby, you are going to be spoiled with a life of your mom being your number one cheerleader. 

Instead, I wanted to tell you about a year ago today. I was in labor, ready to claw out someone’s eyes in pain and you Baby, were making the process a bit difficult and chaotic- as you would continue to do from that moment on. 

The pain, the scar, the aftermath, the sleepless night and nights to follow, the tears, the longest days and the longer nights were all worth it. 

The truth is that when I look back now only one year later I can’t eve remember ever being tired or in pain or frustrated or sad. I don’t remember hating your dad, maybe hating you a little bit or the feeling of having a complete tiny stranger invading my life. I don’t remember the feeling of being lost and having no idea who I was. 

What I do remember is sleeping with your little body curled into mine, the first time you smiled at me, the first time you rolled over and we thought it was the greatest thing ever. The first time you let out a hearty laugh. 

I remember you toothless grin, the first time you got sick and the feeling that I would have cut off my arm to make you feel better. The first time you gave me a kiss. The moments in classes where I saw pure delight in your eyes. 

I remember the swings that made you shriek with happiness, our vacations and those times when I got to witness first- hand your process of learning a new skill. 

I remember how proud of yourself you have been when you master something new. How much we laugh together. How fucking happy you make us and how I have never felt more full and complete as a person as I do now. 

This year has flown by and for all the lessons I hope you learn, today is not the day to teach. It is a day to love and cherish and reflect on the greatest 365 days that ever was. 

I love you, Baby. 

xo

Mom

September 15, 2016

Dear Baby,

Today we had the most wonderful treat of having a wonderful photographer capture us as a family to kick off your birthday celebration. We doned coordinated chambray outfits and met at High Park for the shoot. 

I’m so glad we waited until you were older to do these pictures. They were intended as a newborn shoot but quite honestly, I think newborns are kind of creepy and how many pictures of a blob baby does one really need in their lives? Right? I’m sure you will have seen more than enough of you as baby blob in you time. You can thank the smartphone for that. 

I hope you know by now that what you look like physically is very little of what defines you and that true beauty is on the inside. That being said Baby, today you took my fucking breath away with how incredibly adorable you were. Watching the photographer capture you as you say in the grass with the lake in the background was amazing. 

And yes, I do find you to be super adorable- in my eyes you are the most beautiful baby that has ever existed but also, you have such a beautiful and happy soul that radiates through you. Your happiness makes you shine. 

The thing about happiness is that it is contagious and infectious and unlike gross baby shit like roseola, you want this kind of infliction. Happiness makes you feel better and look better and it radiates all over everyone around you. 

Of course it is any parents wish for their child to be happy as it is mine for you. But moreover, I wish for you to keep that happy soul that you have demonstrated to us this year. You have a happiness that radiates from your insides. 

If you can keep it, you will find that it will inspire and touch your own life and the lives around you. That it will cause people to be happy in your presence and that it will cure the blues. 

Things will be sad and hard and yucky and bad. This is for sure. Don’t lose your happiness in the face of these challenges. Don’t forget to look on the bright side of things and to try and find a way to enjoy moments that seem totally shitty. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Let that light be you. 

Love you my big girl. 

xo

Mom

September 14, 2016

Dear Baby,

This afternoon you began displaying some unusual behaviour. You became cuddly and huggy (and EXTREMELY DROOLY) so I knew that you were having some bad teething pain. 

You see Baby, you are a sweet girl and you love being with me but I would not describe you as an overly cuddly baby. You enjoy your independence which is another one of the most amazing things about you. Your fiercely self sufficient nature. 

From the beginning I have been more doting than you needed. I wanted you to sleep in our room with us until basically now, you wanted out at 4 months. I would have breastfed you until you were 10 (not actually but def until you were 1) but you were over it. I want to hold your hand through everything and you want to do it by yourself. 

You have consistently proven yourself to be a very capable and bright lady with a will that is hard to fight against. It’s super cute and I have a feeling it will be super hard but I am so proud of your inate desire to do you. 

I think a huge theme of this blog so far has been all about doing you. Making sure that you live your life the way you want to and take exactly what you need from it. 

Having an independent spirit will serve you well. Sure, you will be stubborn and defiant (just like your dad) but you will also be sure footed and strong willed. You will be able to better follow your true self. 

I hope that you stay strong and self focused and never let stupid friends or boys (or girls- whatever) make you do anything you don’t want to do. 

Have the confidence to support your independent nature and you will get to live your truth- a true blessing. As an adult I see so many people around me living for someone or something else. Living lives of comparison and compromise. I sometimes do it myself. But being your authentic you is the most valuable gift you can give yourself and the best way to enjoy all the experiences around you.

So stay strong little one. Keep on marching to the beat of your own drum and don’t worry, I’m always here for a cuddle when your feeling down or blue. Seriously. I’ll never say no to a hug from you. ALL THE HUGS!!!!!!! Bring it on. 

xo

Mom

September 13, 2016

This morning your dad showed me a picture of where we were this time last year. I had an enormous belly (at least enormous for me) and I remember that despite having everything ready to go, I was in no way prepared. I still couldn’t fathom what my life would be like once you came. 

Now, one year later I am sitting in your room as you chuck your stuffed animals out of your crib and settle down for nap number one. Your sound machine is on, the blinds are drawn and you are wiggling around in that sleep sack of yours. 

I have to say and I think I can now say that you have been the fucking BEST sleeper ever this year. I can’t predict what your sleeping now future will hold and I can only imagine that if we have another baby I will be terrorized by sleep issues as payback for my good fortune but  Baby, you have been a delight. 

It began early. Say what you will about having your baby sleep in your bed but for us it was the magic element that allowed us all to sleep nights right away. By 4 months you slept through a huge bulk of the night and by 5 months we could expect at least 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I can count on my hands the number of times since then that you have woken us up. 

I wish I could bottle the secret that caused this phenomenon but in truth, I believe you were born to be a great sleeper. 

It’s not a huge surprise since I would list sleep on my top ten favourite things of all time. I fucking love sleep. I love bed, I love pyjamas. I love it all. You are a natural. 

Now, I am sure that you will spend many years- as I did- rejecting your friend sleep but if you can, don’t. All nighters are super fucking dumb. I know you will hit a time where nights will begin after 10pm and mornings will commence after 1pm. This is normal. But whatever time slots you do it in, sleep. 

Sleep has a million benefits to your health and wellness. It helps you grow and recharge, it helps to cure you, it helps to calm you and no matter what is going on in your life, a good night of sleep is bound to help. It makes your skin look good and it helps reduce the dark circles under your eyes that you are genetically predisposed to having. 

In your dreams you get to sort out problems and talk to old friends. You can visit fantastical places and work through unconscious issues. 

As your mother and an avid fan of sleep I wish you nothing more than a lifetime of the amazing sleep you have begun to enjoy in your first year. 

And anytime you want a partner in nap crime- I’m in. 

xo

Mom

September 12, 2016

Dear Baby,

Today was a day that was (so far) spent with your nanny. She is awesome and you guys seem to have a lot of fun together plus she sends me a lot of pictures and updates so she quells my paranoid and nervous mind. I like that.

Today I got a video from a play date you went to with another little girl. The video shows the 2 of you sharing some toys and you (in total you style) showing hr how you like to bang your hands on your chest and scream. It’s a goodie. She was not as impressed as I always am. Just saying.

Anyways, it made me smile both because I had tabs on you and could see your little peanut face even though I was across the city and because I LOVE how happy and social you are. Being social and loving people is the day 6 thing that I want to celebrate about you.

I don’t know if it is that we made you some friends from the moment you were all born (ok, fine, I made some friends with babies but by default said babies are your friends now) but you are so happy and confident with little kids. This past weekend we took you to this Gymboree class and where the little boy in your class spent the whole class climbing on structures and playing with toys, you spent the whole class following him. You have this innate desire to interact and it is so cool to watch.

Of course this jives with your Dad and my stance on socializing. We thrive on having a large group of friends and on making new friends when we can. We both love people and really value the relationships we have in our lives.

You seem to really love having people to hang out with too.

Here’s the thing. Friends can be disappointing, annoying, mean and fickle. They will come and go and a person who you feel as close to as a sister can be out of your life completely some years later. That’s life. Friends will hurt you and cheat you and lie to you. Friends will open your heart and then fucking stomp all over it BUT friends are the total spice of life (and dogs, dogs are also the spice of life.) Friends will understand you in ways your parents can’t. They will have completely new perspectives and experiences to bring to your table. They will challenge you and make you a competitor in some aspect of your life. They will have great (and not so great) style tips and clothes to borrow. New homes and lives for you to bear witness to. They will be by your side in some of the most profound times in your life. They will raise you up and if they are exceptional friends, they will always help hold you there.

You won’t know until you are my age now how important your friends are and how great it is that they will move and change as you do. When I was young I thought that friends had to be forever and believed in the idea of one BEST friend. Now I know that my friendships are living relationships and they grow and change- they even fall apart. They can be broken and rebuilt. Each one should and can offer you something new and different from the next and if you choose wisely you will be surrounded by a host of people who are experts in their own “fields.” A friend for fashion tips, a friend for deep conversations and a friend who shares you love of movies. Whatever it is.

Try to make friends wherever you go because nothing is sadder to me than people who are stuck in friendships of days past or in the high school mentality of what a best friend needs to be. Have a thousand best friends and you will be blessed with a thousand people to share your experiences with.

I hope that your adult life finds you as happy in the company of others as today’s video showed you to be. I hope you are always surrounded by love and support and that you never stop wanting to be a social little butterfly creature.

But don’t worry. I’ll always be your best friend- ug MOM. So lame. Right?? Too bad. BFFAEAEAEAE.

xo

Mom

September 11, 2016

Dear Baby,

It’s so hard to believe that in 7 days I will have a one-year old. As with everything that comes up for us, I meet this countdown with mixed emotions. I am so happy and proud to be your mom and so sad that this time is over. You will never be my newborn baby again and with all of the ups and downs, that is something I will always miss. You were the yummiest of yummy and this journey was made completely perfect because of you.

We celebrated this countdown with a house call from a doctor this morning to investigate your latest “thing.” The more that you grow, the more you show yourself to be a hilarious force to be reckoned with. You, my baby, are a funny little girl. Prior to this latest thing- which I’ll get into shortly- other things you have done are as follows:

1. Sideways head- we say “sideways head” and you laugh while tilting your head.
2. You hiss like a snake when we ask if there is a snake in the room.
3. You play hide and seek and love to be chased and scared.
4. You love to rock out to music with your arms flailing around.
5. You cannot sit silent in a conversation- in fact, most involve you in the background screaming with a huge smile on your face.

We laugh a lot together and the best part about that is sometimes you just laugh at me laughing at you laughing.

Your silliness is what makes you, you. So with that, when you began doing your latest thing we thought it was just typical you behaviour.

Here’s what happened. You would laugh at whatever you were laughing at and then make a gasp noise. This happened when you were laughing or really excited so it happened often. We thought nothing of it until you developed a fever. Then the googling started and the fear mongering began and we went from it being an adorable new quirk to a possible lung issue in five seconds flat. Thanks again, WebMD.

Thankfully, there is a house call doctor around who came over to check you out. Turns out that what we thought was a cute new thing is just that. A baby playing with her wide range of voice noises.

But this whole incident reminded me of 2 things. The first is never to google fucking symptoms of anything and the second is how much we love your silly little things. Being a total goofball is one of the millions of reasons that I love you so much and the nuances that make you, you. This week is all about celebrating the little one year old girl you are about to be and your silly spirit deserves some serious praise and recognition.

Like is so serious and it can be so hard but a playful nature is such a good way to temper it. If you can laugh and bring laughter to others as you do now, then you will always be able to find joy in the darkest of times. Find people in your life who make you laugh and bring out the fun side of you.

And I am ALWAYS up for a game of hide and seek- you get your love of being surprised from me (thank god since you certainly don’t get anything physically from me- hello Dad’s twin, sorry about your bum chin.)

6 more days to go.

xo

Mom