August 8, 2016

Dear Baby,

Well, today was the day. In my mind when we hired your new nanny it felt far away in the distance but like everything with you, time went by too fast and we arrived in the moment. 

As I get more and more involved in work and you are more and more of a real challenge to entertain, we decided that part time help would be the right fit. It would give me a chance to both do some dedicated work and get shit done without having to navigate how to bring you along. 

Truth? I love and hate it. The freedom is freeing and stifling. The time is wanted and resented and the fact that you really really like your new nanny is wonderful and heartbreaking. 

I think that one of the hardest things for me to wrap my head around as you inch towards one and take more steps to being independent is that you don’t need me in the same way. There was a time not long ago that I would never have been able to leave you for a day with a new person. Both for mommyitis and for nursing reasons. 

Now, it’s no big deal and you are happy as a clam. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy too. I thought it was important for you to have a lot of different stimulation and to form kind attachments to other people. I’m proud to see you beginning to do so. I feel like I have done something right that you are so happy and willing to be with another loving person and don’t have fear. 

But in my rose coloured glasses I miss those days of you being physically on top of me all day. I’m sure at the time I wanted to fucking kill myself but in hindsight, it’s seems pretty sweet. 

But here is what I think we can take from this: you can never have too much love in your life. Life only gets richer and more valuable when you fill it with people who are kind and wonderful. 

I’m so happy that you have such loving people in your life at the ripe age of 10.5 months. You have your parents (spoiler alert- we are fucking obsessed with you,) your grandparents and now your new friend. Plus, let’s not forget koala. 

Sidebar: just as I was wrapping my head around the idea of not being needed as much by you, you went to bed kissing your stuffed koala and when I asked for a kiss you punched me in the face. 

Kick ’em while they’re down. 

Anyways, my wish is that you always are surrounded by loving kindness and that you always have an open heart for new people who enter your life. 

But obviously love your mom the most. Kidding. Not kidding. 

xo

Mom