July 27, 2016

Dear Baby,

One of the coolest things about you these days is your inate desire to be a social creature. When presented with other kids you light up and reach out to make physical contact with them. You have a visible different reaction to kids and adults and seem to gravitate towards the former. It’s pretty fucking cool. 

Like something in your baby mind makes the connection that yes, these are my peers and I should try and touch them with my pointy finger. 

And better yet, all of your peeps seem into this kind of interaction so you guys spend some good quality time just being close to and touching each other. Sure, sometimes this means finding you sticking your finger on your friend’s eye or pulling a bit of hair but it’s still totally hilarious. 

The best is watching you sit with friends and play. Even better is watching you hang out with your older friends who can do things with you. 2 of my favourite moments this month were hanging with your friend who wanted to take you for a walk (settled in showing you her tea set and dolls) and your cousin who gave you a huge video- caught hug. 

And you were just delighted. 

Because part of your personality Baby, is to be delighted in interactions with others. Nothing makes you as happy as being with us or friends. It is probably to be expected given your parents personalities but also super awesome. 

And you know what Baby? This is a great quality to have. Thriving on your interactions with others will help you develope strong and meaningful relationships in your future. I think that some of the best and brightest people I know are their best selves when supported and encouraged by the people they love. 

I mean, you should love yourself, be able to thrive and shine alone and take stock in your own company but also enjoy and benefit from the great people around you. 

Loving others and being loved in return is one of the amazing parts about being a human. We have this huge capacity to share with others and whether it is a touch (or eye poke) or a hug, a coo or a huge secret, a smile or a hearty laugh- it is a distinct pleasure to share those interactions. 

I hope you have many of those moments and many people in your life to share them with.  

In the meantime, I don’t think there is anything wrong with having your best friend be your mom. Just saying. 

xo

Mom

July 26, 2016

Dear Baby,

Don’t worry. I haven’t forgotten about you. It’s just that since you started to feel better we have been busy. 

So news: we have a nanny starting with us next week. This is pretty groundbreaking for us, baby. In 10 months we have not spent more than 3 hours apart and we will now be apart from 10-4 twice a week. I don’t know how to feel about this. 

On the one hand, I’m sad. Really sad. I LOVE LOVE LOVE spending time with you. I genuinely think you are fun to hang out with and so much of my life right now is based on being with you. I feel an emptiness in my being when I think of being away from you. 

On another hand, I’m fucking nervous. Without my eyes on you I can’t manage every little thing and I am nothing if not thorough and obsessive. I’m nervous about what you will do all day. If you will be happy and feel safe. 

I have dedicated my whole self to ensuring that your needs are always met and now I have to trust that someone else will care as much as I do about nurturing the things I find important and valuable. 

On another hand (because we all have 3 hands- right?), I am excited. The whole point of having someone to help me is so that I can work and work has been really coming together. In my ideal world, the work I am doing will allow me to have the best of both worlds- to be a working woman with a career she can be proud of and to be around for you. 

I’m excited to show you that your mom is a person into herself and that despite my keen knack for making up amazing songs and shaking a rattle with you, I also have important things to contribute to the world outside of you and I. 

But I’m mostly just anxious about the change. I’m anxious about what it will feel like to get a picture from someone of the fun you are having without me. I’m anxious that not being with you for those days will change the way you look at me. I’m anxious that I might miss something. 

I’m anxious that everything I have been doing for what feels like forever is being turned around. That my job as your important primary care giver is coming to an end. That you don’t really need me the same way you once did. That soon you might not need me at all. 

I’m anxious of who I am going to find on those 2 days when I am not taking the sole role of “mom.”

I’m excited to find out. 

I think. 

Baby, I can’t stress enough to you how much change is an inevitable part of life. The more we fear it, the scarier it becomes. You have to focus on the moments and enjoy each as the come and go knowing that none are permanent. We are always changing. This is a good thing. I promise. 

I think. 

xo

Mom

 

July 20, 2016

Dear Baby,

Last night your dad and I went out to a concert. Ok, wait. Let me backtrack and tell you that first, you projectile vomited all over your chair, rug and mom. I have never been puked on before in my life and it was every bit as gross as I imagined it to be. It was perfectly timed with me putting you to sleep before leaving to go out so I enjoyed my night perfumed with the aroma of puke. (Don’t worry, Baby. You were totally fine and didn’t even seem to realize you barfed at all and then promptly fell asleep.)

We have not been to a concert in a while and we have not been to a concert at my favorite venue, the Molson Amphitheatre in a really long while. It was nice to be back on that grassy hill that has been the background to so many memorable nights in my life.

And, not for the first time there we were seeing Dave Matthews- the soundtrack to my teenage years. I remember thinking… (get it?) that I would def get married to Crash and that Say Goodbye was written for that time I made out with my best friend and then pretended that it never happened the next day. Dave was there with me through university singing his folky little love songs as I “found myself.”

So suffice to say that there was a bit of nostalgia coming with me to the concert and a feeling like I was reliving something from days gone by to songs that defines very specific and detailed moments in my life.

And it had me thinking about the ways in which we profoundly change into a new person when we get older. Of course, your essence remains the same always (usually) but when you think you really really really know yourself in your 20’s, your 30’s change everything and I have a sneaky suspicion that this is going to be an ongoing trend.

But anyways, I was thinking about how much of me has changed in the past few years and specifically since having you. I often think back to things that have happened in the past and have a hard time not only recalling the situation but recalling how I was int he situation. I can’t remember what the fuck I must have been thinking for many a time gone by.

And then sitting on this hill listening to this band that all remind me of a person that I was before I was the person I am now brought me right back. I am not trying to be super cheesy and have one of those “the music moved me” moments. It’s not true- I barely knew any of the songs and didn’t find the music to be especially moving at all BUT it was more like for that night I wasn’t actively being the mom, wife, worker or friend. I was just being me at a concert with a beer etc. in hand listening to some people play some music late night in my city.

I got to be a person that I don’t often get to be.

And then, of course, I got to wake up and resume my regular self- bright and early at 7am sharp.

I think that is a really great thing about growing up- you do grow up and change and become a bit more mature but you can- if you want to- still access that kid part of you. And each side makes you appreciate the other side.

Baby, you will grow up and probably stress out about the loss of yourself- the way that in a blink of an eye things went from fun to serious and life went from a total party to a more tame housebound version of itself (am I making growing up sound awesome?? It actually is .) But don’t stress- take the times when you can to do the things you love. If you love music as much as I do then GO to those concerts when they come. See the bands that make you smile. Sit your old ass down on that lawn and laugh with friends while you watch the sun set. Indulge, let loose and be present in your moment.

And tomorrow, say goodbyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeee…….

In the meantime, I’ll be taking an afternoon nap with you to recover from being me.

xo

Mom

 

July 18, 2016

Dear Baby,

 

We have been so caught up in your tummy bug that we very unceremoniously rang in your 10 months with a belated “hey, isn’t she 10 months now”? Woops.

No worries, Baby- every day is a celebration of you.

So 10 months has come and gone and like every month gone by I just can’t believe how fast it all went. You are truly not my little tiny baby any more and this is never as evident as when you spend time with little babies. We do this music class where you are the eldest by at least 2 months and the differences are staggering.

Moms are delighted watching their little ones sit for the first time or grasp an object and there you are in the middle of it all (literally, you crawl into the middle of the room every time) showing off your skills. You are shaking that rattle, clapping your hands, waving your arms and singing along (fine, just yelling but in my mind, you are singing.)

And this is just the beginning of the new things you have suddenly been able to do. The rate of your development has just skyrocketed and we can actually see your brain learning new things every day. The other day you pointed to a fan when asked “where’s the fan,” you climber 4 stairs under dad’s watch yesterday and you can find and point to people or things when asked. Baby, the thing about you that is the most amazing is that you have the best sense of humour.

Now I am for sure one of those moms who is all like, my baby is so funny but whateves. You make me laugh. A lot. You seem to make other people laugh too so I may not be all crazy.

You do this thing where if we hiss like a snake, you scrunch your face up and make a hiss-ish sound. If we laugh (and we always do, because… baby snakes- what!!!) you will do it again. Snakey.

If we fake cough, you will repeat us and continue to go back and forth fake coughing,

Typing this out it sounds so small but these little interactions are the fucking delight of my day and there is nothing better than making you laugh while sharing our little inside jokes.

I think it’s pretty astounding how every day I think “it can’t get better than this” and then it does. Every time I think we have hit the max of amazingness and adorableness, you do something new and more amazing. I always want time to slow down but I can’t fucking wait to see what you do next.

Happy 10 months, Baby.

xo

Mom

July 17, 2016

Dear Baby,

You have gotten this great knack for teething every time we leave the city for a weekend so it was unsurprising to find your great big upper tooth making its way to the surface of your little gums on Friday when we arrived up north. 

Teething. I hate you. 

I hate you because I think you kind of suck but I also hate you because you make me feel like everything can be attributed to you. So when you first made the stankest poop ever Baby, I figured it must be teething. 

10000000 people on the internet can’t be wrong and the Internet assured me that babies can get gross poo associated with teething. So, ok. Teething. Teething is the new fussiness. 

When the shit storm continued (pun very much intended) I began to wonder and when we got to day 2 I questioned everything. Teething- the monsterous villain that you are- distracted me from the real issue: stomach bug. 

Hey new moms: if your kid has a poo that makes you want to actually barf on the floor it isn’t teething. 

So in fact, you have been suffering from a baby version of stomach flu. All the symptoms that we attributed to your upcoming tooth were also symptoms of this affliction. 

Which brings me to my point for today. Don’t be so quick to be sure. Sometimes things may seem simple. Your kid is irritable and you think- teething. But if you can’t be 100 percent sure, it’s always worth investigation. 

Sometimes, the easiest answer is the right one and sometimes not. What that vague sentence goes to show is that you can never be too sure about something and spending time gathering facts and information about any given topic from teething to outer space can only help serve you better in the long run. Knowledge is power and having the ability to admit that you don’t know everything is a great way to boost your personal stash of power. 

I the meantime I have too much power when it comes to baby poo so I’m going to go ahead and delete the photo shoot I took of your bowel movements that the doctor definitely didn’t want to see and move on with my life. 

xo

Mom

July 13, 2016

Dear Baby,

Last night I went to Pilates while your dad put you to bed. When I called for an update on how the bedtime went I was met with good news and bad news. Good news- bedtime was great. Bad news- in the midst of it, our air conditioning had stopped working. Fucking perfect on the HOTTEST NIGHT EVER (k, not ever but it was a really hot night.)

One of the things about living in a really old house is that on a great day the air circulation never quite reaches the upstairs which means that it is perpetually 10 degrees hotter in our bedrooms than it is anywhere else. In contrast our basement is usually subarctic. 

On a bad day (like when you have no AC), it is balls hot. Like 30 degree plus hot. Like way too hot to sleep. Like still air fucking gross hot. And such was last night. 

The monitor in your room read a cool 30 degrees. It was not pretty.

You ended up sleeping through the night only interrupted by a few tosses and turns, your dad snored the night away and I had a tantrum in bed (heat AND snoring. No fucking thank you) and moved my hot ass downstairs to sleep (or not sleep, as it were) on the couch. 

It was my first and last time couch sleeping. A wooly pillow and throw does not a bed make.

Thankfully, a repair guy came this morning to diagnose our problem. Turns out that we are super stupid. The air vent that needed to be replaced a while ago because it was filthy was left in the system too long and caused the coils to freeze. Cool story bro, right?

Well here is the lesson you can take away from this dividing tale. Don’t put off what you an do today. We literally looked at the dirty ass vent like, at least 4-5 times in the past 2 months and were like, “oh we should totes clean that” and then didn’t. Had we only just done it the first time we would have saved ourselves a full night of grossness and a subsequently displacing day where I spent it out and at my in-laws while the coil melted and the reset (not that spending time at my in laws isn’t awesome- it is. Their house is the best- it’s just hard to spend a transient day with a babe.)

So don’t procrastinate your shit or be ready to kick yourself when something you should have done comes and bites you in the ass. Hard. 

In the meantime, we are back and running and I for one will NEVER complain that it is too hot in this house again. Bless you, AC. 

xo

Mom

July 12, 2016

Dear Baby,

Yesterday you had your very first swim lesson and my heart just about exploded. Ok, wait. Let me first clarify that by a swim lesson I mean that you went into a pool with your dad and he played with you for 30 minutes. There are no real lessons for a baby in the water because this morning you grabbed a handful of your own poo so a lesson would be a bit of a stretch. 

I was fearful of the swim class because I had heard that hey make you dunk your baby right off the bat. That seemed to me to be a bit torture-y. Like why would I want to make your first experience in the water one where you felt scared and submerged. I would fucking hate that. 

It was relieving that this was not the case and there would be no immediate trauma associated with swimming. Great. 

The instructor did try and show you how to blow bubbles but was just as fine with letting you just try and eat the water as if you had tried. And that’s how majority of the class was spent- you trying to drink the pool water and maintaining the biggest smile as your dad floated you in the water. 

As an observer of this scene from the sidelines it was AMAZING. not to get too cheesy on you Baby, but boy was I proud to be your mom yesterday. You were so happy and excited to try something new and you really embraced the pool. Watching you be so delighted totally choked me up. 

And don’t even get me started on baby swim suits. WHY ARE THEY SO FUCKING CUTE???? Practical? Not even close. Amazingly delicious? Big time. Your bather had a lace skirt. A LACE SKIRT ON THIS TINY BATHING SUIT. What. The. Fuck. 

It was basically the best 30 minutes I could have spent. 

I think that watching you play in the water was a great reminder of how much I want you to enjoy new things. I’ve said it before in this blog- even very recently. A zest for new experiences is a great way to live your life. If you never try you will never know how great something like a warm public pool can be. 

Sure, you won’t love everything you try but the act of trying itself is really really amazing. Opening yourself up to new experiences will afford you perspective and knowledge. Plus, as your mom, I would LOVE to see you enjoy anything as much as you enjoyed floating away in your dad’s arms yesterday. 

In the meantime, I’m counting down the days until we dive in again (just kidding. You don’t dive with a baby- obviously.) Really proud of you my little fish. 

xo

Mom

July 11, 2016

Dear Baby,

Ever since you started being on the move we have been working towards making you a space to enjoy. My dream is to have a no “no” space where you can literally go anywhere and touch anything that you want to without worry. In reality, that’s a bit of a stretch since our house is basically a hazard zone for a baby but it is a work in progress. 

For example, we moved all of the furniture out of the way so that you might enjoy more space to crawl around. 

Of course, the areas you are most enamoured with include; the air duct I the floor, the stairs, the electrical outlets and the dog food/bowl. You also enjoy rubbing your hands on the unfinished raw wood table legs, pulling yourself up on an unsteady rocking chair toy and eating dirt off the floor. 

Areas you don’t want to stay in are; padded, safe, full of toys. 

Typical. 

And it’s hard to really make your house baby friendly because what does that even mean? Is it just locking up shit that you could eat and become poisoned from or is it sanding our gorgeous table legs to prevent the inevitable splinters to come?

Plus it’s your house. You need to learn how to live in it. You will hopefully be here for a long time. I think there is some value in letting you safely test the boundaries of certain things. 

Mostly, we just want you to be happy and love the space you are in. Since we never take our eyes off you we want you to enjoy all the areas of the house and explore to your hearts content. 

I want that to be a thing you take with you from here on: to explore and to be curious and to look around you with wonder and awe. Right now the ducts are the best thing you can think of but one day I hope you have a million ducts and that you are afforded the chance to be close to them. 

In the meantime, I might block you off from the stairs but you are always free to climb!

xo

Mom

July 7, 2016

Dear Baby,

Right now as I type this I am sitting in your room on the chair watching you “try to fall asleep.” By that I mean pulling yourself up by the rails of your crib until you are standing and then peering over at me and laughing. Same same.

Up and down and up and down until you just basically exhaust yourself and pass out. 

And I can’t help but be in awe of your dedication and determination to just stand up and be adorable. Your tiny little arms shake with the big job of pulling yourself up and no matter how many times you fall down, you keep trying. 

Maybe the great reward is getting to bite on the crib- which you are doing right now or to be able to flash me a smile from over the top of the rails but I imagine the true reward is trying and succeeding to do something. 

You don’t yet know that you could give up. That you could employee someone else to do the job for you or the millions of excuses you could make to get out of doing it. All you know is that you want to stand up right now and you’ll be damned if it isn’t going to happen. 

And that right there is a thing we all begin to lose as we grow up. If I tried at anything the way you try to stand up, I would master it but “life” gets in the way of a lot of our tries. 

Watching you has actually been a huge inspiration and reminder that no task is too small or too hard if you just throw yourself into it and pull up as hard as you can. With a little strength you can accomplish anything. 

And that is a huge thing that I want you to know and remember. By the time you read this you will have long mastered standing and forgotten a time when you couldn’t but once upon a time you worked your butt off to make it happen. I hope you use that same drive to get everything you want out of life. 

In the meantime, let’s see you use that same drive to master putting yourself to sleep for your nap- mmmkay?

xo

Mom

July 5, 2016

Dear Baby,

As an adult there is nothing better than a box full of toys. I would say that the nature of a toy changes with age but even still, give me a tub of play dough and watch me make cool snakes like it’s my job.

One great perk of having a baby is that it is totally normal again to pay with Lego, to engage with sand and to build towers out of blocks. Let’s be honest. The toys you have aren’t really for you yet. 

And to really emphasize that point I give you an every day scenario: you sit on a mat surrounded by toys. There is Beatbo the light up talking robot, there is a light up activity station, a plush rattle and no less than 5 random wood figures surrounding you. You lunge for the best toy in the bunch, a piece of tree branch. 

A mini baby computer can take up all of .5 seconds of your time and attention but that branch… next level entertainment. It must be touched, bitten, examined and shaken. It must be thrown, poked, dropped and picked back up. 

SO GLAD I PAID 60 DOLLARS FOR A FUCKING TALKING ROBOT. 

No, the truth is that I totally love your inclination to interact with the world around you. To want to reach out and grab the things you see in nature (or lint, you know, whatever tickles your fancy.)

It would be silly to tell any new parent to not invest in all the toys that they inevitably will. It is the best!! Who gets to shop at Toys R Us as a 34 year old? This girl.

But what I will say, and let this be today’s lesson, is that sometimes the simple things are the best. We live in an age of digital wonder but often the most incredible thing we can see is the changing of leaves in the fall or the stillness of a lake in the morning. Toys and TV and computers are awesome but they can’t replace the beauty of the world around you.

So enjoy both and when in doubt, sand and mud are always a good idea. 

In the meantime, today you spent 20 plus minutes playing with a piece of paper towel so if you are looking for a way to entertain a baby, you are welcome. 

xo

Mom