June 28, 2016

Dear Baby,

I’ve been reflecting a lot about the past weekend and one thing I haven’t told you about is the time when everyone went to the beach. 

Everyone went to the beach on Saturday morning. It was a perfect sunny day and there was this incredible stretch of beach that had this ridiculous sandy bottom that remained shallow for several feet before dipping down and letting you into the pristine waters. 

I fucking love the lake. I hate what might be swimming in it with me but I LOVE swimming and there is nothing better than doing it in a clean fresh water. Give me an ocean, sea or lake and watch me stay in the water like a little kid until I am basically a prune. 

So the beach plus my lake love would have been a match made in heaven except for the fact that I refused to take off my shorts and get in. 

My problem was twofold. 

First and least important was my hair. Being someone who has to plan a full week around the annoying issue of doing my hair and when it will be done, I was unwilling to wet it for fear of having to style it. Style it? Yes. Baby, you should only be blessed with your dad’s thick mane of wavy hair. Curly hair seems cool until you have it and then realize how fucking high maintenance it is. I am not a high maintenance person. 

So ya, I didn’t want to get into my hair. Can you tell what a tripper I am?

Second was a bit more real and embarrassing. In an effort to be honest with you I will tell you that the second reason is because I didn’t want to take off my shorts and have everyone see my legs. Truth. 

Pregnancy and the aftermath have given me the gift of 15 extra pounds and cellulite. I want to not care, I really do and I want you to not care about shit like that because it is stupid but in that moment I cared. I got self conscious and in my own head and I hid behind a pair of shorts. 

And here is what I want you to know about what that was super fucking stupid. 

1. I missed out on doing something I love because I was being a total twat. 

2. I was a poor role model to you. You should be proud of your body always and I have to teach you how. 

3. No one there could have cared less about my legs. Actually. 

4. No one ever cares about shit like that. Sorry- no one who matters cares. 

Don’t hide from things because you are self conscious. Don’t miss a great moment because you are having a bad hair day. Don’t shy away from things that make you happy because you have fears. Just do you. 

Do you in a bikini. Do you in a moomoo. Do you with frizzy hair, with a gross zit or with a crap outfit. Just do you proudly. 

In the meantime, I packed 3 bathing suits for this coming cottage weekend and you best be sure that I am going to be rocking them all weekend long. Hope you don’t cry in the water the whole time again. 

xo

Mom

June 27, 2016

Dear Baby,

So as I wrote yesterday, we spent the weekend in the fancy wilderness and did all kinds of cool wilderness stuff. It was pretty seamless and awesome to have you there, until the evening. 

The night before we left for the trip was a bad one. For the second time in months you were up all night long and we ended up taking you into bed with us to get a few measly hours of sleep which didn’t even really happen (just for me- you and your dad slept) because my arm was asleep for 85% of the night. At least a part of me was asleep. Ha. 

We were all like, is this the new thing you are going to be doing? Waking up and being a wreck? No. It can’t be that our little sleeping genius would suddenly be up for no reason at all hours. This must be a 2 time fluke. Should we worry about the trip? No. The great outdoors is the perfect recipe for sleep. 

Wrong.

The great outdoors is many things but perfect for a baby sleeping it is not. To start, a canvas tent is as bright as it should be at 6pm- your bedtime. Second, it’s hot as fuck. Third, mosquitos.

Should I be surprised that both nights took a solid 2 hour effort just to get you settled? I was. In hindsight, it was exactly as I should have expected but in the moment it seemed rather upsetting that you wouldn’t just fall asleep as usual in an unusual space. 

If you want to properly torture someone have them try to put a baby to sleep for 2 hours unsuccessfully. I don’t know a better way to really fuck someone up quite like that. Oh yes, I do- have them do it in a 400 degree tent alone in the forest. 

Finally you would go to sleep and I would commence drinking as much wine as I could in a span of 10 minutes to forget how shit the whole bedtime experience had been. You were asleep and I was now beginning my dinner with our friends. 

Dinner was awesome, the company was awesome and everything was awesome until say, 11. From the tent next door where you were sleeping we heard a rustle, a shuffle and a cry. We thought that maybe it would pass. A quick and dirty night waking. 

Nope nope nope. 

That was it. You were down for the count- or up, I guess. 

The remainder of the night was spent coaxing you back to sleep in our bed while I maneuvered around you to get comfy. You know how sometimes you can’t move for whatever reason and it seems like that particular time would be one time that you need to move? 

Truth: if it wasn’t so unexpected and exhausting, it would have been perfect. That fact that we have spent 4 nights this week cuddling in bed together is just fucking bliss. I truly miss the days when that was our normal and there is nothing better than waking up beside you (ok, the best is doing it after a full nights sleep, but beggars can’t be choosers.)

I think the whole experience was bittersweet. 

But the lesson here has to do with commitment. Your dad and I committed very early on to not let you cry. There are a thousand debates about this topic but that is the stance we took. For better or worse, you don’t cry and you certainly never cry yourself to sleep. 

There is something about commitment that makes everything easier and harder. It’s easy because there’s no debate. You do the thing you do and you don’t have to question yourself (although as a parent I still question everything.) 

The hard is that you do what you do in spite of anything else. I would have really rather not ended my night early to go and have you scream in my arms until you calmed down. One night I didn’t even brush my teethe because I literally couldn’t put you down. Not ideal.

But commitment is an important thing. In life you want to try and so the best you can when you commit to something. A job, a partner, a lifestyle choice. Being a flakey person isn’t a wonderful trait. You will want to try and be someone who honors the things you say you will do and who people can count on.

We stand very strong in our commitment to you and you can always count on your dad and I to be there. Come hell or leaving an awesome bonfire to spend a sleepless night so that you can feel safe and secure. 

In the meantime, we are home and I am hoping that tonight we can all get some good sleep. Is 7:30pm too early for a grown ass woman to go to bed?

xo

Mom



June 26, 2016

Dear Baby,

We just got home from a weekend away camping- a first for us as a family and I wanted to tell you all about it. I think first I should clarify. Yes, it was camping but it was kind of fancy camping. Glamping, if you will. We had a site with a huge canvas tent, hardwood floors and a king sized bed and couches inside, a hot shower, a non disgusting portapotty situation and an outdoor cooking area. It was as close to hotel in the forest as possible minus the actual hotel. 

We were there for 2 nights with 3 other couples but you, Baby were the only baby on site. 

This made things amazing and complicated. It was amazing to hang out with our nearest and dearest and have them spend so much time with you but complicated because wherever we went, your dad and I had to be aware of you. The group wanted to spend time at the beach but we could only spend a short while because the sun was too strong. The group wanted to go to the dock at night to see that stars but we couldn’t go because it was too far away from where you slept. 

And sleep- well that’s another whole post worth of stories. Coming next. 

The great parts were watching your firsts. First canoe ride (you hated it), first real swim (you hated it), first winery tour (you didn’t mind it) and first time staying in a tent (you hated it). 

Overall my thoughts on the weekend in relation to you were that I’m glad we did it, I would do it again but I was really happy to be home. REALLY HAPPY. 

And I think there was a great lesson here about leaving your comfort zone. This was way beyond my comfort zone. I basically hate nature and if your dad wasn’t a hard core tripping enthusiast I would literally never have gone on one let alone many camping/ canoe trips in my life. 

Yes, now that I have done them I like them a lot more and even look forward to them but no, by nature I am not a lover of spiders on my everything and sleeping in a tent. When an animal came one night and rummaged through our garbage I just about shat myself. 

I digress but the point is that going on a trip into the wilderness (however fancy it may be) is above my comfort zone. Doing it with you was beyond. But the experience was worth the push. We’ve done it, we succeeded and learned a lot about ourselves and you and now we could do it again (but maybe not too soon). 

Is really important to push yourself to try new and different things. You may get bitten by 10000000 mosquitoes and stay up all night with a crying baby but you may learn a few new things along the way. 

In the meantime gotta go tend to my heinously itchy legs that are coloured with the blood of a thousand bites. Nature, you rule. 

xo

Mom

June 22, 2016

Dear Baby,

It’s been a long week. Teething has all but consumed our day-to-day and we are a whirlwind of boogers, Infant Advil and popsicles. I don’t know how long this usually takes but it feels like we have been dealing with your mouth for an eternity. Because that’s how things go with you- every day feels really long and then I look back and wonder how the fuck we got to 9 months so fast. The conundrum of time.

Anyways, the bad news is you are still a snot faced little teething monkey. The good news is you give zero fucks and have been a total delight. If anything you have laughed even more these past few days so I’m thankful you are not suffering (for your own pain and for my sanity.)

Since we have been spending a lot of QT at home just doing fun stuff I have gotten to really watch your development closely. Sometimes rushing around, running errands and hanging out with people I feel like I miss the little nuances of you. You learn so much stuff every single day and then all of a sudden we are watching you and you have totally mastered something new without us noticing. It was cool to get to notice.

You gifted us with an awesome thing to notice. Language. We have started to see that you will repeat actions we make. One of your favorite things is we stick out a finger at you and say “stick” (yup, your dad and I call fingers sticks- and we did before we made every word cute for you- this is just how we roll. Sorry for all the embarrassment that will cause you.) So we do the stick and then you extend your finger and touch our finger with yours and laugh. It is delightful. Anyways, recently we just say the word “stick” and you bring your finger up. We don’t have to show you our finger to initiate the action which means that you are learning to recognize language patters and associating them with actions.

Now how fucking cool is that?

You do it with sticks, kisses (and then I just die of happiness that you willingly kiss me on the lips every time I ask- never stop ok?), and if we say “shake-a-shake-a-shake-a” you will move your arm like you are shaking a rattle.

Honestly. What could be cuter.You are such a big girl. Today shaking your arm, tomorrow going to prom. I can’t even.

So with that, today’s thoughts are this: enjoy the little things in life. Whether it is stopping to smell the roses or taking a day to watch your babe shake an imaginary rattle, these are the moments that make your life full. It can get hard to just slow down and really focus on the tiny little details of everyday life but it is in those details that we can sometimes find the most joy and shape the bigger things that we have. One day I probably won’t remember this one little moment of development for you (or I guess I will thanks to this blog) but it has helped shape the entirety of what I will remember- your development of understanding and language.

In the meantime STOP GROWING UP SO FAST. Just kidding (sort of) keep doing your thing- it’s amazing.

xo

Mom

 

June 19,2016

Happy Father’s Day. Well Baby, I think it’s suffice to say that you have a real knack for drama. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again that between your dad and I, you are bound to be the most dramatic little lady around. Both of us are natural born performers and you have only proven yourself to be equal if not better in your 9 months with us.

You rang in Father’s Day by putting your daddy to work. For the first time in a LONG time, you work up at around midnight crying. This literally never happens to us so we were a bit flustered. We figured, oh- well it’s just this little thing. Maybe you had a bad dream or something startled you. No biggie. Well Baby, BIGGIE. From midnight onwards you were up and at em every hour. EVERY SINGLE HOUR.

Now I know that a lot of parents still wake with their babies at night. I know that we are very lucky (poo poo poo) that you sleep as well as you do but in our defence it is very hard to adjust to a waking baby when you haven’t had to in months. It is a bit jarring to spend a sleepless night after you are used to getting rest. I was only thankful that we had decided to not spend the night getting winoed like we did the previous night. Wine buzzed and unslept mom would have been gross.

By morning (and by morning I mean 5am when your dad “woke” for his Father’s Day golf treat that no longer probably felt like a treat but more like a terrible punishment) we were just spent. Typical you woke up (again) for the last time of the night with a fucking smile plastered on your face. Baby, WTF. Who smiles like that after such a terrible night?

The morning was uneventful and filled with a brunch but by afternoon, you were again not yourself. We took your temperature, discovered a fever, cancelled our Father’s Day BBQ and PRAYED that this wasn’t the start of multiple sleepless nights for us.

And what’s all the fuss about you ask? Teething. Mother. Fucking. Teething.

On the one hand it is like, great- now we can just spend the next 2 years dealing with your teeth. But on the other hand my heart breaks for you because it must be so hard to be in pain and just not know why. Your poor little gums.

So, with that we enter the phase of you getting teeth and bid adieu to your dad’s first Father’s Day. And here’s what I thought we could all learn fro the experience: Birthdays, Father’s Days, any celebratory day is just that, a day. It is really important to honor and celebrate the people in your life that you love because you never know what someones “special day” will bring. Because you love and bring so much joy to your dad every day, it was no big deal to have such a crap Father’s Day (which by the way is such an annoying Hallmark holiday- but I digress completely…)

I think the best thing you can do is appreciate and enjoy the people around you every moment that you can and then cross your fingers and hope for clear skies and painless mouths on their designated celebration days.

In the meantime, I’m going to bed SUPER FUCKING early in case you decide to grace us with your symphony at 1 am. I’ll be there for you but I won’t be happy about it.

xo

Mom

 

June 18, 2016

Dear Baby,

It’s pretty crazy to think we are nearing a point where you have been out as long as you were in me. I say this probably on every post but time passing is never more evident and visible then when you have a baby.

As we reflect on your 9 months here I can say that every time I think you have done the best thing ever, something new happens and it’s like, who even care about that old thing. We watched older videos of you the other day and there was one when you first started grabbing your foot. We were delighted. Now it seems like you never didn’t grab that foot and we are on to way bigger things like crawling and standing.

Babies are this amazing reminder to us that tiny little things like just knowing that you have a toe is a fucking miracle. It helps put other shit- and I mean shit- into perspective.

At 9 months you have truly begun to show your funny little personality and it is just as I imagined it to be.

Unsurprisingly, you love to be loud. I’m sure he still is but currently your dad wins the prize every single time for loudest guy in a room. The man has pipes and I’m pretty sure he has little to no volume control. No wonder you spend a good chunk of everyday screaming babbles. It’s hard to get a word in otherwise- trust me, I know.

But more than loud, you are funny. Not like, I’m a lame mom and just think my kid is so funny but actually funny. The screaming for example, happens most when no one is looking at you. You are an attention lover and make sure to tell everyone when you need all eyes on you (aka all of the time). You love being surprised (which is awesome because one of my favourite things to do is startle people) and you laugh a lot. Like a lot.

You are totally on the move and surprisingly coordinated (you def get that from your dad as well since I can barely walk let alone anything else.) Currently you are obsessed with pulling yourself up to standing and practicing walking while holding our hands. What could be cuter than this peanut of a person waddling around?

Overall I can say that 9 months is pretty damn good and as much as I loved being pregnant (yes, really) it is WAY better to have you on the outside with us.

Happy 9 months, Baby.

xo

Mom

June 15, 2016

Dear Baby,

This morning I spilled some coffee grinds on the floor. It was super annoying because I was simultaneously trying to make you breakfast and discovering that we were out of coffee (less the grinds that were now on the floor). Life is not ok without coffee or as I affectionately call it- mama juice. 

I cleaned up a bit, continues the morning shuffle of making you a good breakfast, making a little something for myself too since I basically combust when I don’t eat breakfast and still engaging you with song and conversation so I don’t feel like a shit mom leaving you in the circle of neglect. 

And this is just a snapshot of life. A constant juggling act between getting shit done, keeping you fed and safe, keeping you happy and squeezing in some substance for myself to fuel the charge. Always juggling. 

So when your dad came in from walking the dog and made a whole stink about the coffee grinds on the floor (why didn’t I bust out the broom and sweep them the fuck up) it’s like hey dad, fuck off. 

I love him, I do but it’s a real struggle to have to justify doing what I do. Some of it is my own shit. I’m self conscious about my life and what I’m doing and how I’m contributing so I attach that insecurity to him and say he making me feel like I don’t do a good job. Well no one can make you feel anything so I know that I am just feeling that way. 

But on days where I get comments about the fucking coffee grinds on the floor it’s like, why don’t you do my day and tell me how easy it is to just sweep up a small mess while you have eggs frying, toast toasting a baby next to you that needs your full attention that you are already sharing with eggs and toast. Try. I dare you. 

And this is just one small moment. Try leaving the house. You pack up anything that needs to come with- what could it be? A bottle? A meal? A change of clothing? Will you be in the sun? Do you need extra diapers? Water? Snacks? Toys? Does mom need anything (haha)? The dog must get walked so are we going to pull out the stroller for the walk? Am I going to wear you in a carrier? Get the poo bags, get the leash, get the dog. Ever out on a dog leash with a baby strapped to you?

Walk, come back. Time to go. Wait. Do we need a chair for eating? Did I eat (haha)? Is there anything I am forgetting? Pack up the stroller with one hand, pack up the baby get into the car. Forgot something. Take baby out, go back in, come back out and it’s go time. 

ALL THIS JUST TO GO GET A BAG OF GROCERIES!!!!!

It’s fine- it really is. I have a routine and it works but if that is the series of events that takes place just to walk out a door then imagine anything else. 

In the meantime, dad (who is thankfully very involved) comes home at 5 and gets to give you a bottle and hang with you for a few minutes. He has never had a full day alone with you. A day alone with you is the best thing ever but a day alone with you demonstrates pretty fucking clearly why sweeping up coffee grinds the instant they fall to the floor will never be my priority. 

And that’s just it, Baby. Life is all about priorities. No matter what you do it is always a juggling act. Family, friends, school and work will always pull you in every direction. There will be conflicts in events, in desires and in commitments. It is up to you to look at your life as a whole and make the room for what is important. 

I’m not saying push things aside or under the rug but I am saying that some spilled shit on the floor can wait if your first priority is the safety and happiness of your baby. Just saying. 

In the meantime, because he is anal like that, he swept that shit up himself so now I have the time to write this blog with you asleep on me. Snore away little peanut knowing that you are always my number one priority. 

xo

Mom

June 14, 2016

Dear Baby,

Tonight we tried something new with you. Dad put you to sleep. I left the house completely and he took the role that I have been performing for 9 months. Sure, when you were very little he put you to sleep sometimes and when you wake up crying he is sometimes the one who goes to get you back down but 99% of the time it’s you and me and some Goodnight Moon in our bedtime bash. 

The truth? You are so much more independent and capable of putting yourself to sleep. You don’t need to fall asleep nursing and you don’t even need that much coaxing on a good night. I do nurse you every night but it is almost just for comfort and closeness that we do it. You eat so much now that it’s no longer you main source of nighttime nourishment. 

As we get closer and closer to you being 1 years old, I feel it is more and more important for you to experience things like having someone else put you to sleep. It lends to having you sleep over at a grandparents house or me being able to go out and not worry about your bedtime. There are a million reasons why I want to encourage your resilience and ability to be with people other than me. 

There is only one reason that it makes my heart ache. I miss you. 

Last night was one of the hardest for me in a while. Instead of thriving in my newfound time alone I cried my whole way to Pilates. Baby, I am so proud of you growing up and being such an agreeable babe but those changes mark some changes with us and after spending every single day with you for the past 9 months, it’s a pill that is hard to swallow. 

We wake together, eat together, play, walk and talk together. There is literally not a thing I do that you don’t come with and the times I have left you and done something on my own cap out at 2 ish hours. In 9 months I have probably spent a total of 3 days away from you if you added up all the hours. Maybe. 

I think a part of it is how much I hate to be alone and what awesome company you are. I went grocery shopping after my Pilates class last night and I felt lonely. I don’t go grocery shopping without you and I had no one to talk to! You are my best friend. I miss you when you are not around. 

Which makes me believe that I need to get a bit of a grip. I need to relearn how to be alone or at least how not to cry at fucking Loblaws in public. 

And that leads me to my lesson for you. Learn how to enjoy your own company and be alone. I hope you seldom are and that when you are, it’s of your own choice but loving alone time is a great skill and one that I wish I had developed a bit better before I had you. 

Don’t rely on anyone to be your constant companion because everything changes. Friends, babies. Everything. Be your own best friend and you will be forever content wherever you are. 

Or, call me. I’ll always be your sidekick. Just kidding- no I’m not.

In the meantime, your dad did a good job of getting you to sleep and it was a huge step towards more growing and developing. For both of us.

xo

Mom

June 13, 2016

Dear Baby,

Being a mom means that you get to obsess over the stupidest shit like naps. How long, how often, where and why. Each day is filled with me thinking about naps. You don’t give any fucks at all because you either nap or not but there I am wondering if perhaps a short sleeve onesie would help create a more optimal sleep space for you. I think this is why all mothers are insane. 

So with that, one thing that has been going on for many months now- at least since you were about 5 months old is that we stopped napping on the go. Napping on the go means you hunker down and nap wherever we are in your stroller. You used to be a pro at it. I could spend a whole day out and you would just fall asleep wherever and whenever. 

I don’t know what happened that made me stop taking you out. I guess it was that you had such amazing long stretches of sleep if we were at home in our ideal setting. Once you see how well someone can sleep it seems cruel to force them to do anything else. 

Trust me, if there was a way I could nap as hard as you do and someone would dress me in perfectly temperature considered clothing, wrap me in a little blanket, read me a soothing story and then rock me every day I would also rebel against putting myself to sleep sitting upright in a moving chair. I get it. 

Anyways, it’s working for us, it’s working for us and then it’s also not. I’m stuck at home a lot now. I can’t run errands and I can’t go anywhere. I sit and work while you sleep twice per day. 

So we went to a friends today and she suggested something radical- a trip to Walmart. But I can’t go to Walmart, I say because Baby had to nap. She suggests a nap on the go and I nearly shit myself. TOO RADICAL, GIRL. 

Well Baby, we did it. We strollered on over to Walmart, I pumped up your sound machine and you napped the shit out of the afternoon and gave me the forgotten freedom of being out between the hours of 1-4. It was epic. 

And here is what I learned that I want to share with you- we get stuck in our habits. In the way it “should” be. We get stuck and then we get scared to try anything out of our comfort zone. Fear is a great inhibitor and comfort is a great security. If you don’t step out of the zone and try new things you might never have as good of a day as I did yesterday buying a tie dye kit for 24.99. 

It’s really important and good to push yourself and try things that scare you. You might fail but if you succeed, the benefits are incredible. 

In the meantime, tomorrow I plan to get back in bed for your first nap and not be ambitious at all- balance Baby, it’s all about balance. 

xo

Mom

June 11, 2016

Dear Baby,

You got your first tooth today!!! I am so excited for you and so happy to see that tiny white nubbin popping through your little gums. It is the total highlight of my week. 

So far the only indication that you were teething was the tooth itself, which is awesome because I hear that teething can be a real bitch. 

So prior to your dental delights, this week your friend caught “hand foot and mouth” disease. A virus aptly and disgustingly names for the blisters that come up on the hands, feet and inside the mouth. It sounds like the fucking grossest thing I can imagine. I’m sure it is. 

So of course, hearing that your friend has this virus we go into full panic mode thinking that for sure you will get it too. We start to debate what we should do- should we cancel all our plans? Do we assume you are sick until proven otherwise? I call the doctor, I call my mother, I call some friends. 

The feedback is unanimous. Stop being stressed out. Kids are total Petri dishes and they get sick all the damn time, usually with really gross stuff. 

Well hot potato!

It’s hard to go through things and throw caution to the wind. To know that something bad could happen and not try and beat anticipate it but it is truly not the way to be. 

To cancel all our plans and just quarantine ourselves for the possibility that you might get a virus seems pretty crazy when you think about it. Sure, I wouldn’t let you French kiss (or on a more normal and not extreme level, share toys) with another kid knowing that you might have a contagious virus but to just keep you isolated feels too extreme. 

And so that’s the lesson for today. Life will always be unpredictable and certain disaster awaits you at every turn. You can’t hide away from everything and everyone because something bad might happen. You have to live your life, take reasonable precautions and keep your fingers crossed for the best case scenarios. 

Living in fear of the unknown is a great way to just drive yourself bananas. I’m not saying to be reckless but I’m saying that it’s ok to live a little. Not like, never cross the street because you may get hit by a car but also don’t run across streets wildly. Just be normal and look both ways. 

Baby, life is strange and unpredictable. It is full of twists and turns and the best thing you can do is face it all with zest and excitement. 

In the meantime, your dad will be taking your temperature every minute for the next 3 days until the virus incubation period has passed- he will be the nervous one for the both of you. 

xo

Mom