August 19, 2016
Well, after almost two years of freedom my “monthly visitor” has returned without ANY FUCKING FANFARE.
Being a woman is a magical thing, getting your period is not. It is the catalyst to many other things like making a baby but overall it is gross and annoying.
So you can imagine that I wasn’t thrilled at its return.
That’s an understatement.
I don’t know how to break it to you gently but one day you will have a period. By the time you read this you may already have had many. Woman to woman I am truly sorry. It’s awful. I know.
So here’s some stuff to get you through it.
1. If your partner is male, expect them to say really stupid shit. Types of comments you can expect are; “you’re probably pms-ing” (which is usually true but NEVER what anyone should say), “it’s not that bad” (until you have internal bleeding from the shedding of your uterus lining you can shut the fuck up), or my personal favourite “it’s just a period, what’s the big deal” (seriously, at this point kick them in the dick and ask them what the big deal is there.)
2. It’s not the time to be on a diet. I personally vascular between not wanting to eat anything because I feel like ass or wanting to eat chocolate dipped in salt and ice cream topped with melted fudge and candy. Judge me. I dare you.
3. Invest in some comfy bottoms. You might not have the luxury of wearing sweats all day but as soon as you can, put them on. And have ones that are super comfy and cute. Same for undies. Period week is not the time for a skanky thong. Just no.
4. Watch a good movie. I prefer the Notebook. You have to channel those raging hormones and crying your eyes out to Allie and Noah’s romance is WAY better than taking it out on your man- see number 1.
In reality, your period is a good thing. It means your body is functioning healthily and that you can, should you choose to, have babies. Plus, it is one of the many common bonds that link women through generations. Red tent.
So know that it is sucky but manageable and that it will always pass and that one day (although right now it’s hard to believe) you will mourn the loss of it.
Now pass those FUCKING CHOCOLATES MKAY??