November 30, 2017

Dear Babies,

I got this great big package in the mail today and was delighted to find new clothes for you both inside. I did some pretty big shops over Black Friday/ Cyber Monday and I am really enjoying that surge in dopamine that comes with every package delivered. So, I might have a shopping problem. So, I just do. So? There has to be an upside to waking up at 3am every night. K?

Anyways, I unpacked your new clothes and thought about all the clothing we just packed up that will be passed down or given away and I wondered if there will ever come a time that I won’t want a baby again? This isn’t to say we will or won’t have another (although it’s super unlikely that we will, but that’s another story) but more to say that will I ever not miss those tiny clothes and itty bitty socks and mini hats that are being delivered to the next baby in our group of friends?

I just marvel at you both every day and I can’t imagine that this is the last time I will watch a baby grab her little feet for the first time. Stuff like that.

And I guess what’s really amazing about this is how mere weeks ago, I was laying in bed praying for some sleep and relief from the exhaustion of baby. It’s incredible how fast we forget and re-see the past in rose coloured glasses.

When I joke with my husband about baby 3 he jokes back that he could handle and infant but not me post partum and losing my fucking mind. Fair. But give me 10 solid weeks and I’m back to “normal” and better than ever armed with a heart that has doubled in size and capacity. So there you go.

In the meantime, I’m not sure either of you needed those biker onesies that you’ll fast outgrow and I will cry putting away but if buying adorable stuff for your kids isn’t one of the luxuries of parenthood, what is?

xo

Mom

November 25, 2017

Dear Babies,

This morning we were sitting downstairs listening to Aqua’s “Doctor Jones” (omg my 90’s dreams came true) and I was tickling your feet and legs and it dawned on me…

Your feet are real feet. Not tiny baby squishy feet like your sister but real human feet. They are big and you can use them and like a wave of emotion it reminded me that time is passing and my baby is now my little girl and my infant is now my baby.

No pressure but if you could both let me eat those feet forever, I would be a lot easier with letting time go by.

xo

Mom

November 20, 2017

Dear Babies,

One of the biggest fuck you’s in motherhood is the physicality of it. So you get pregnant and minus a few weeks where you just look fat, you mostly look amazing. I have literally never looked better than while pregnant. My skin glowed, my hair was a lustrous mane of goddess goodness and my beautiful belly made my arms and legs look great. Plus I was literally making life. So that.

Then you give birth and obviously you look like shit because you’ve just been hit with the Mack truck of life but NO ONE EXPECTS YOU TO LOOK GOOD. Like, if you shower that’s a huge win.

That lasts for about 3-4 months and then the haze lifts and you feel back to normal but…

Then shit gets hairy. And I kind of mean that literally. There you are ready to get back to life and suddenly and without warning your hair falls out. I mean FALLS OUT. Like clumps. Like how am I not bald by now? And your once lustrous mane that was the envy of all your sisters is a shell of what it was. A lifeless, texture-less mess. Great.

Your body also settles. This means that the skin starts to sag and buckle. There’s no baby stretching that belly skin out and you’ve recovered just enough to look exactly like a chicken McNugget naked. I’m sure this why post partum women have rampant sex lives. Who wouldn’t want to share their naked lumpy body?? Ha.

Your skin dulls, nails stop growing and while you are expected to snap back, you notice your jeans are just too low to be sitting on the floor with a baby and toddler and your sweaters with their side vents show your entire subsequent muffin top.

Now before you beat me to it, I know, I JUST HAD A BABY – my second. I know that my body is a gorgeous goddess temple of wonder and I don’t expect to look like a supermodel now (or ever). I’m not lamenting my body in general just the fact that it is at its all time low when you are meant to be reintroduced to the world. It would be like having your worst pimple ever the night of prom. It doesn’t make you gross or ugly, you just might wish it didn’t happen like that.

We obviously celebrate our bodies and lives very day in this house, ok?

But if Mother Nature could figure out a way to let us keep our hair and pregnancy glow forever, that would be swell. In the meantime, I’ll be here wasting money on serums and scalp masks to help.

xo

Mom

November 19, 2017

Dear Babies,

Today is your parent’s 6 year wedding anniversary and at this time 6 years ago we were having our pictures taken at the Brickworks already in tux and gown. Marriage, as it turns out, is a lot of work. I don’t claim to be an expert (pretty sure I told your dad to fuck off this morning) but I have learned a few things over 6 years of married life.

First of all, as mentioned above, being married is work. Being romantic is work, being communicative is work. It’s all work that if you fail to put in, will ruin a relationship. There are bad days, weeks and even months in a relationship. I’m sure that in the long run if you make it to 50 years there are even bad years but I guess the hope is that the good far outweighs the bad. I think a lot of people expect love to be magical – and it is but it’s also unglamorous, hard and challenging. You should know that going in so that you don’t run screaming when the going gets tough because it will one way or another.

Second, it’s really easy to not make the time. We live together so your dad and I see each other every day. It can make the idea of “catching up” seem silly but silly it’s not. It’s essential to the core of us to reconnect and make specific and cherished time to do so. This is true of all the relationships you’re going to have. It’s easy to take people for granted. Don’t.

Third thing is that marriage means your tied to this person and all their goods and bads. Yup, I’m going to say it. Your dad is annoying as fuck sometimes but guess what? I still love him more than anything.

Finally, marriage when done right should feel like a never ending slumber party hangout with your best friend. If you have any other scenario, no judgement but you’re doing it wrong.

So here’s hoping that whoever you spend your time with is as rewarding and wonderful as this marriage. You deserve it.

xo

Mom

November 10, 2017

Dear Babies,

Omg TGIF. This has been one big long week from hell and I am thrilled to be saying a hearty goodbye to it. Fuck you, week. We’re over you.

Now that everyone is on the mend (poo poo poo), it’s time to get back to our regularly scheduled schedule of doing shit. But, oh wait – it snowed!

When I opened my eyes this morning and saw the snow on the ground my initial thought was “fuck” and that it would be a long time before I ventured out to the great outside again. I hate being cold, I hate snow and I hate winter in general. But then I had this flash of being a kid and seeing that first amazing snowfall and I remembered how exciting it was.

There was the thrill of new outdoor activities, of new coats and the possibilities that lay in the freezing beyond.

It made me think how much I love being able to re-see the world in your eyes. Eyes that look at this snowy day not with contempt but with wonder. It made me want to haul out my parka (ug) and take you on a snow-venture.

And this is just another time it’s good to remember that the world isn’t as grey as it seems sometimes – if you can see it through the eyes of a child. Play more and pout less and let’s get on with this wonderful winter because I know when I was a kid, that’s exactly what it always was.

xo

Mom

P.S. By the time we got winter ready, the snow had melted. Of course.

November 7, 2017

Dear Babies,

This morning I awoke expecting some relief from the fucking plague of hand foot and mouth only to find that the rash had multiplied by a zillion. So that’s good.

Did you know that this illness is a tiny blip for babies but excruciating for adults? Because of course it is. Just another way life tests how much you can stand before you snap.

Does screaming at the top of your lungs to yourself count as snapping? If so, consider me broken.

Being sick is an interesting glance at your partnerships. You learn a lot about the people around you when shit isn’t going your way. On a broad level, you’ll quickly tell which of your friends really care about you by who asks how you are doing. It’s not a big deal that most don’t, it’s more that those who do are the ones who are special and you should remember that.

That’s not to make you feel like anyone who doesn’t inquire within isn’t worth your time, people are just not so tuned in to those around them. I’m sure I’m just as guilty of that kind of shit.

On a closer level, you’ll learn who is your direct support network. Which of your family members offer to help. Do you need anything? Can they do anything to lighten your load? Do you need just a small check in? I think it’s pretty easy to forget that moms need some TLC too (see previous post) so make sure to send extra love to those people who offer it. They are few and far between.

And in the home you have your family. In my case, you guys are too little to know what to do. Baby is still fully dependent and toddler thinks it’s hilarious to punch me in my “boobly boob” even though I feel like my nipple might just burn off my body.

Being sick scares you so I have to be really careful not to do anything that will worry you or make you feel like mom isn’t 100%. NO PRESSURE.

Then there is dad who, for some reason, finds me to be super hard to deal with when I’m sick. Am I? I don’t know. Maybe. I feel like I’m easy because all I really want is for everyone to be really nice to me and not yell at me and just show a bit of extra compassion and kindness and patience (in the event that I’m not being easy – which is totally possible).

Ug. I’m rambling.

I don’t mean to be a Debby downer but I’ll leave you with this little nugget of future advice. Don’t rely on people to take care of you when you’re down (except me, I will literally always take care of you even if it means I get hand foot and mouth 400 times over). It’s much better to learn how to manage yourself and take care of you. Nothing is worse than being sick and disappointed.

Thank anyone who bothers to help you and make sure you reciprocate the kindness.

Learn how to make a good pot of chicken soup.

But mostly, don’t you worry your little heads because I will never leave you sick and unattended. And I make wicked chicken soup.

xo

Mom

November 7, 2018

Dear Babies,

That’s the saying, “big girls don’t cry.”

Spoiler alert: NOT TRUE

Today I cried in the car getting gas because I caught your little virus and I have painful and itchy fucking blisters on my hands and feet that are multiplying like flies.

I cried because it’s sore and annoying and walking hurts and just breathing hurts. I cried because I think one of these blisters has popped up on my nipple but I still have to nurse so I am dying every 3 or so hours.

I cried because who the fuck is there to take care of me when I am firstly, sick and secondly, probably contagious. No one. That’s who. Your dad, bless his little hypochondriac soul is basically the opposite of nice when people are sick around him, you guys are still too young and needy and the dog is of no help at all. Thanks dog.

And this is adulthood in a nutshell. You might not be able to walk properly because the soles of your feet are so fucked up that they are unrecognizable but you’re going to the park anyways because toddlers don’t understand why not.

You may want to curl up and die but you will be whipping out sore boobs on command because baby’s gotta eat.

And when the day is done and the dishes are cleaned and you have five seconds to relax you’ll probably not take it and hit repeat for the next day.

Full disclosure: I still love being your parent when I’m sick – I just wish someone would take care of me!!!!

xo

Mom

November 4, 2017

Dear Babies,

We got real lucky with you two because you like sleep and tend to (on a normal day when you don’t have a gross illness) sleep in. We leisurely begin our day at 8ish am when we don’t have to rush to school and when we do, we wake you up around 7:30. So ya, suffice to say that we recognize how amazing it is that you guys like to sleep in.

I hear about families that begin their days at 5am and I want to die.

But still, every morning when I look at the clock and it’s somewhere between 8:30-9:30 I think to myself, damn it’s so fucking early.

Babies, your mom is many things but an early riser “morning person” is not one of them. I would literally sleep in until 10am every day if I could and it was still socially normal.

I love sleep so much. So so so much.

So thanks for being reasonable sleeping babies. We really appreciate your help.

xo

Mom

November 1, 2017

Dear Babies,

Well, we kicked of November with a bang and by bang I mean HORRIBLY WITH A GROSS VIRUS.

Hand, foot and mouth disease has ravaged our home and proven to be as offensive as its name suggests. Only a kid illness would be as gruesome yet harmless as HFM (yup, I acronymed this bitch).

Since you won’t remember having it, here’s a quick recap. Bad fever, mild cold and body covered in small blisters. You both look gross but more so the baby who obviously got it twice as bad. Great.

In quarantine, we’ve been spending a lot of time making up activities to do since I’m hesitant to take you anywhere that other kids go for fear of spreading this love. It’s not love. It’s just gross.

The good news, you’re both not too bad and still are able to eat which is good because I hear that some kids get sores in their mouth that are so painful they can’t eat which is a whole other ballgame of shit to deal with. The bad news is that it seems very annoying and upsetting to baby and so we’ve been up on the hour every hour as a direct result. 45 minutes sleep cycles are a real thing and we are living (zombie) proof today.

So my advice to you is this. I’m the event that you one day find yourself living in a home surrounded by sick people and feeling like shit yourself (because, of course adults can get this too so don’t you think it’s coming my way) drink wine. So much wine. Can’t drink wine? Try a hot toddy. Put some booze in your hot tea. Whatever. I’m not advocating being an alcoholic but I am saying that a splash of juice makes the whole thing slightly more bearable. Slightly.

Ok. Please feel better soon.

xo

Mom

October 31, 2017

Dear Babies,

I’m sitting here in the dark willing baby to go back to sleep. My expectation is that I would have been sleeping by now having finished feeding you over 20 minutes ago. My reality is that every time I put you down you cry leaving me hostage. So here we are and this is a first great example of life not meeting your wild (or tame) expectations.

Another is today being Halloween. I had at least 5 awesome family costumes picked out, not one of us dressed up.

Halloween is literally my favourite holiday of ever so it would be fitting that with it comes a lot of anticipation and unlike New Years, it’s never missed the mark. I sit and dream of Halloween all year long and Halloween rewards my patience. I have historically had amazing costumes, well decorated homes and spooky, ornate pumpkins. I imagined Halloween with my kids would be the usual awesomeness plus.

And this is where I have to remind you both that your expectations may not always be met in spite of efforts.

When you woke up this am with a fever and we relinquished the idea of going to your school costume parade, the day was already trending poor. It never recovered.

You were sick, your dad recovering from eye surgery, the sky was rainy and one of our skeleton decorations fell down.

By the time dinner rolled around you had insisted in NOT going out and were crying for your bed.

We managed to encourage you to give out candy and just as you seemed to get into it a little boy in a spooky mask scared the fuck out of you and the night officially ended at 6:55. We turned off the lights, ate the remaining candy ourselves and did a short version of bedtime.

Oh well. There is always next year…

The point here is that you can’t let a defiance to your expected outcome ruin a night. Sure, we had rehearsed “trick or treat” and told the story of Halloween to death in preparation for tonight but you know what? Tomorrow is another day and while it may not be as spooky (because November 1 just doesn’t have the spooky vibes), it will still be a good one. Or not. Point is that nothing bursts into flames when expectations aren’t met (unless the particular thing you’re expecting is not to have a fire and then things go south).

Tomorrow is another day and another one of many to have a great day (just not in an awesome costume).

Don’t be sad to have missed this event. It only makes me want to make next year better. I’m already setting myself up but it will be ok if it all comes crashing down (but I might think kids are a Halloween curse).

xo

Mom