December 20, 2015

Dear Baby,

From the day I found out I was pregnant with you, I have been able to find out anything I needed/wanted to know by Googling it.

Symptoms of pregnancy? Google

Am I going to ruin my unborn baby if I eat too much cake? Google

Can you do squats in your third trimester? Google

What do you do with a week old baby? How do you help a baby sleep? Why are my boobs bleeding? How can I function on no sleep? What is a typical schedule for a 3 month old? Does a 3 month old have a schedule??? Why is everyone so obsessed with schedules?

Literally, if I can imagine it, I can Google it and the access to answers is driving me fucking bananas.

Baby, one time I thought your upper lip looked weird and I actually Googled “weird upper lip on newborn baby.” What the fuck can the internet tell me there that can help me? Dr. WebMD just proceeded to scare the shit out of me and I ended up panicking about nothing- your upper lip was fine, it was just a weird shadow. I scared myself with your shadow. Good for me.

I think the obvious problem with looking everything up is that if there was one definitive answer to how to have and raise a perfect baby, everyone would be doing it. You wouldn’t have a Dr. Sears telling you to keep attached and a Baby Whisperer telling you to let them cry. There would be no articles on sleep, wakefulness, breastfeeding, bottle feeding- everything would be one standardized set of rules and we would all follow them.

So there I am Googling every little thing you do and relying on a panel of “experts” that live in my computer.

When the “expert” articles fall short, there are also these amazing online forums for new moms. New moms/ any moms should be banned from online forums because they are crazy. Here’s a sample of what you can find when you Google “when should I start putting my baby down for the night on a schedule”:

• The over-attached parents. “Schedules- never, babies should only be with you or on you all the time and a well-adjusted baby will never thrive on a schedule.” (You should be taking your baby to the bathroom with you. Every. time.)
• The overly rigid parents. “Schedules start beginning at birth. babies need schedules immediately to properly thrive and develop good habits.” (Did you miss a day? you have RUINED your baby.)
• The neurotic parents who have no clue. “They put their baby on a schedule right away but the baby never stays on schedule- do we think there is something wrong with their baby? Is it sleep regression? Is the baby doomed for a life of sleeplessness? Should they contact another sleep consultant? Yes, they definitely need a sleep consultant. Which one? Did letting their baby cry it out for 5 minutes ruin their lives? Should they have let the baby cry more? (Did they ask too many fucking questions????)
• The judging parent who will happily preach. “Every baby is different, you shouldn’t be worrying about a schedule and you should focus on enjoying your baby” (now go hang your head in fucking shame because you have spent 10 minutes thinking about schedules and not about your baby and EVERY moment is precious)
• The mom who wants to use your every concern as a venue to brag about her baby. “I think getting the baby to sleep early is important, my baby went to bed at 6pm every night from BIRTH and slept 12 hours straight.” (I’ll bet he did. He probably never takes smelly shits and already can walk and talk at 3 months. Tell me ALL about it.)
• The supportive moms who don’t answer your damn questions. “You go mama”- insert emoticons of stars and fairy dust. (BUT YOU DIDNT ANSWER MY QUESTION. And where do you get crazy blinky star dust emoticons from anyways?)

Anyways, the point here is that you can basically find anything and anyone to validate what you want to them to. I can promise you this Baby- all of us are just trying to do the best we can with what we have. No one is out to fuck their kids up intentionally and everyone just wants to feel good about the various decisions they make for themselves and their families.

So Baby, while Google may be a limitless resource for information the key is to always take the information you read with a grain of salt. Trust yourself and your own instincts and question everything. I never want you to do something because some random article that you found online said to.

As for me, I’ll be spending my night resisting the urge to Google “travelling with a baby” in light of our upcoming trip and trusting myself to know what you need. Sorry in advance if I forget anything.

xo

Mom

 

December 19, 2015

Dear Baby,

Today you crapped right up your shirt so your afternoon playtime was a naked one. This was fine with me because I had just read an article about how babies your age should be naked often so that they learn more about their own bodies.

It is so weird that you don’t yet know that your body is a whole being. Like, you are just now learning that you control the function and movement of your hands. Things that we, long masters of our hands, take so for granted.

It’s one of the many different things that you will do that I will have to actively look at through your eyes.

It’s a constant battle to remember that you can’t do things that I can and you don’t think the way I do. Like this morning when you couldn’t sleep and work me up 3 times in the span of 3 hours and I was all like “crap, Baby. Go the fuck back to sleep.”

Who swears at their baby? I forget that you have no idea what you are doing. If you were my peer waking me up just to make a fart and squirm and then go back to sleep I would straight up cut you but you have zero idea how precious sleep is yet. All you know is that you have a fart and it needs to come out followed by a quick sooth from mom. Simple.

Or like later this morning when I was trying to reason with you to nap longer. Like, If you nap you will feel so good today, Baby. I’m trying to reason with a person who doesn’t even know that she has hands. So that’s good.

But Baby, this has been a difficulty for me at many times- trying to remember that people don’t think the way I do all the time. It is a daily practice to try and appreciate people for who they are and how they think in their own unique way.

One day when you know that you have hands you will meet a whole array of people who will come from all different walks of life and you will have to navigate all the different personalities with your own unique self.

People will always be learning about their own selves, hands and otherwise, and I hope you practice kindness when you encounter them. The same kindness I am giving you as you learn bout this amazing world around you.

Xo
Mom

Sent from my iPhone

December 18, 2015

Dear Baby,

Happy 3 month birthday to you, my sweet baby girl.

Here is some stuff you did this week.

We started a new baby class and we learned about doing tummy-time on bolsters. You possibly love that even less than regular tummy-time. As a protest, you refuse to roll anymore this week.

You got awesome new sconces for your room (you’ve actually had them for a while but your dad finally installed them). You have the best room in the house, hands down. I am obsessed with it.

We learned that you are super into mobiles. I got you 2.

You fit into your first 3-6 month top.

You have been babbling up a little storm. You love telling us little stories and I LOVE to listen to them.

I can’t believe you have been in my life for 3 whole months. I can’t imagine a better way to spend the time- now, let’s just try and get a little bit more sleep mmmkay?

xo

Mom

 

December 18, 2015

Dear Baby,

Doing new things with a new baby is a scary thing. Like, you never know what might happen and whether you might be asleep the whole time or screaming bloody murder the whole time. Do I need to bring you a hat or are you going to sweat in your bucket? Did I need to bring more diapers? Less diapers? ALL THE DIAPERS??????

And Baby, will I have to change a diaper in public? Will you get hungry? Should I breastfeed you with confidence and just let people deal with their own issues about it? Should I wear one of those booby hiding things? A scarf?? WILL MY NIPPLES SHOW????

And then there is the timing of it all. When did you last feed? What has today been like- are you feeding often? Are you fussy? Are you dressed? AM I DRESSED?????

So we wanted to celebrate your 3 months with a special day dinner- obviously you wouldn’t be eating (or likely awake for it) but it seemed like to much of an occasion to do our usual pizza-in-sweatpants kind of night.

We spent about 30 minutes trying to organize ourselves, walked out the door, came back in to order that pizza and finally just sucked it up and went out for our first family dinner.

And you know what, Baby? It was awesome. You slept perfectly and your dad and I had some much needed laughs over red wine mussels. It was the perfect way to celebrate 3 months of us working at this parenting thing and 3 months of having you- the best thing in the whole world.

So, here is the learning I can share with you today, try new things- even when they are scary. Sure, our night could have gone a million different ways. We might have been forced to flee the restaurant in haste with you screaming, we may have had to change your diaper in a bathroom stall or have pissed off the fellow diners with noise and chaos but we would have never known if we hadn’t just tried.

So try everything. Most of what you do will not work out to plan but I assure you that sometimes it will and you may get the perfect little evening out of it in the end.

xo

Mom

December 15, 2015

Dear Baby,

I hope that you have really nice friends in your life. I cannot tell you enough how important they have been to me in my life. By now, you have probably met a lot of them and I hope that many of them feel just as much like family to you as they do to me.

 

The best thing about having a lot of friends, Baby is that inevitably some will be going through the same things as you at various stages in your life and will be able to just get you.

Yesterday, I was speaking to one of my oldest friend who has a baby older than you and I was trying to tell her how I feel- the roller coaster of emotions I am finding myself on- and she just got it. When I told her that I have moments when I hate you dad, she countered with a story about whacking her husband in the head with a pillow one night when he didn’t swaddle their baby right.

Because, Baby, when you go through anything in life you will NEED people to tell you that they have done it too, it’s ok and offer your support with NO JUDGEMENT. There is nothing that can be more isolating than these monumental events and being a new mom can be so lonely and weird without people to talk to about how weird it is.

Without friends to talk to would I be able to shake off that one time I spilled that precious pumped milk in the sink (worst.ever.)? And how would I deal with the poop explosions, the crazy functions, family nonsense and sleepless nights without someone to laugh it off with. Who would come to my rescue and drop off 3 different kinds of carriers that afternoon when I couldn’t settle you and was pulling out my hair? Who could I call just to go for a walk when I needed company or advice?

Baby, the moral here is an obvious one. Surround yourself with great people and you will always have great people around you. Talk to your friends about stuff- about me even if you have to. Share your life with the people in it who love you and you will be rewarded with respite from loneliness and feelings of “am I the only one who…”

And maybe, just maybe they will be good enough friends to steer you away from those shitty tearaway pants (seriously- I know at least 5 of you who witnessed that part of my life- what the fuck were you thinking????). If not, let’s hope they are wearing them with you.

xo

Mom

 

 

December 10, 2015

Dear Baby,

Confession: I cried harder than you did getting your first needle when I packed up your newborn clothes today.

I noticed the other night that your newborn size onesies were getting snug and I was thrilled and sad all at once- because how could anything in this crazy journey not be the parallel of 2 huge emotions.

I am obviously thrilled that your are growing. You are a super tiny baby and newborn clothes have lasted you far longer than the average. When people tell you not to buy a lot of really small clothes for your baby, they have obviously not had one that got 3 months of wear (and then some since I can still fit you into anything without feet).

I am thrilled to be unpacking a whole new box of stuff for you. I am obsessed with your wardrobe and the excuse to shop for tiny clothes is even better than shopping for myself. Plus, now out of newborn sizes, I am afforded a whole new range of clothes possibilities. The world of 0-3 is upon us, Baby.

I am thrilled that you continue to be SO damn cute and into dressing up. Today you are wearing a one piece tracksuit. A ONE PIECE TRACKSUIT- who even thinks of shit this cute????

I am so sad that you are growing. Packing up your newborn clothes is the end of you as my newborn baby. You are entering a whole new phase of life and I can see it in far more than just the labels on your clothes. I basically blinked and 12 weeks went by and they are now our past. I know that if this is how it is with you, I am going to sneeze and you will be a fucking teenager.

I am so sad to be packing up the clothes  I have come to love for you. We will never again have a day lounging in your tiny polka dot onesie with the hearts or the blue outfit with matching hat that made you look like a little boy elf. The outfit you came home from the hospital in that swam on you is now in a tupperwear.

I am so sad that on several days in the past week you have looked so grown up. Gone are all the funny newborn isms- in their place is a little baby who is becoming more and more of a person ever day.

So Baby, when you love something or someone, TREASURE EVERY SINGLE MOMENT. It’s so cliche to say it but time goes by so fast and you never fully know what you have until it is gone. Oh, and take a lot of pictures.

xo

Mom

December 11, 2015

Dear Baby,

You are sleeping beside me as I write this and I am doing everything in my power not to wake you up and eat your face- because we don’t eat babies- jokes, we def do.

You are 12 weeks old today and this week has been FULL of changes for you.

The most major thing to happen this week is that you rolled. We had you up in tummy time and all of a sudden you rolled ourself onto your back. You looked just as shocked as we were that it happened. Fluke? We thought maybe but it has happened again twice. We are a bit less surprised but you still look like you landed from Mars each time.

The subsequent follow up is that we agreed (your dad insisted) that it is time for you to sleep unswaddled. Between rolling and the fact that you have started to chew on your hands through the swaddle make us (or really just your over neurotic dad) nervous that you might suffocate yourself.

Putting a baby to sleep unswaddled is hilarious and sad. The moro reflex- which I LOVE like, please be cuter when you splay your little arms- is still strong and so sleep last night was a series of you startling yourself awake and then being so sad that you were awake and then trying your hardest to go back to sleep. And repeat.

But the best is your mornings. I still fucking hate waking up at 4am- it has not gotten any easier or better BUT, this week instead of waking to your cry and dragging my tired ass out of bed with you, I have woken to a smiling baby. IT. IS. THE. BEST. I would actually wake up at 4am forever if that was my morning forever.

Baby, your little smiles are insane. There is nothing in the world like feeling wanted, needed and loved in the am and the reciprocation of those feelings is amazeballs good.

Happy 12 weeks my sweet baby.

xo

Mom

December 6, 2015

Dear Baby,

Here’s a truth that no one tells you about postpartum life. You turn into a raging fucking bitch. Like, take who you were at the peak of puberty, add in the way you were when you began to assert your independence as a shitty high schooler and multiply it by a million.

There are some moments that I actually can’t believe the shit that comes out of my mouth. It’s like I have absolutely no filter or control of my words and feelings. I am possessed by this heinous person who says totally messed up shit.

Your dad is, of course the main recipient of the tirades. Friends call and I’m all like, oh everything is great and we are having an amazing week (true) and then your dad calls and I’m like fuck this fucking shit I hate everything and our house is a mess and the dog smells like crap and the mailman who knocked on our door is a fuckhead and I burned my mouth on fucking coffee and I hate you (also true).

New dads should get a manual on how to deal with their crazy ass wives after they have a baby. I actually don’t know how he listens to me unleash all that emotion peppered with the word fuck in every sentence and doesn’t pack his bags and run for the hills.

Baby, your take away today. Spend your time and love on people who will stand by you and support you even when you are a total asshole. And try your best not to be an asshole when you can.

xo

Mom

December 5, 2015

Dear Baby,

Last night was the first of many that I stayed home with you and missed a fun night out with friends that your dad went to.

I have some mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, you are the thing I have wanted the most so being with you is my absolute privilege. On the other hand, I want a glass (or bottle) of wine and to talk about something other than sleep and poop with you friends who I feel like I haven’t see in ages.

Plus, I found myself super smug that I could spend the whole night alone with you and totally resentful that your dad could spend the whole night without you.

So while he was out for the night celebrating a close friends birthday, eating a long meal and drinking scotch I was eating take out salad (or inhaling salad in 5 fucking seconds) over your head while watching the Amy Winehouse biopic on basically mute while you slept in my arms and I prayed you wouldn’t have another fussy- ass night.

I wish I could say that I loved the night. That it felt super special to just hang out with you alone and relax but the truth is that I just found it stressful and annoying. I felt like I spent 6 hours walking on eggshells to make you happy which, in the end you weren’t. After a great feed and a great sleep you woke up just as your dad came home screaming.

I must confess to you now that in my haste and frustration I think I might have told you to shut the fuck up. Really sorry about that.

So Baby, here is your lesson today. Just because you might be very happy with your life doesn’t mean you won’t be jealous if others at times. I would NEVER trade a minute with you but that doesn’t stop me from having a huge hate-on for your dad as he describes his witty conversations and amazing 3 course dinner that he the with 2 hands (a luxury never to be taken for granted).

I always feel very guilty when I have this feeling of FOMO or jealousy because I feel like it diminishes how much I love you and how much I want you and how much staying home with you any night of the week is my actual dream come true. I think that we can live with many juxtapositions in our life and missing our old life does not negate loving our new one.

The best you can hope to do is stay present and know that sometimes having it all means giving a lot up. Oh, and buy yourself some chocolate on nights like tonight. Having to eat fucking fruit while you stew is basically the worst thing ever.

xo

Mom.

December 4, 2015

Dear Baby,

For every step we take forward we take one step back. I was so thrilled about your laughter yesterday that I almost forgot about the fact that you have turned into a total snake for the past 3 days.

Babies have this weird way of turning on a dime. One day you think you know them so well and then they are all like, haha you stupid idiot. You know nothing at all.

Here’s how it’s been. You wake up from sleep or nap and scream bloody murder for the 5 seconds it takes me to whip out your meal/ my boob. Then we change you mid feed and you scream even louder. Then we finish your feed and you keep screaming until you realize that you are actually not upset any more. Then you smile.

I get about 20 minutes of the sweetest girl in the world before you get tired eyes and then you spend the next 40 ish minutes screaming again while I try and relax you to sleep.

I mean, I get it. It must be so shit to have someone rock you to sleep to the sound of ambient white noise in a perfectly temperature controlled room. I totally understand.

Good old Dr. Google informed me that this is a new developmental and growth stage and that your sudden snake- like behaviours are totally normal- which is obviously nice to hear and saves me calling the exorcist.

Baby, you are already always one step ahead of me. I spend my days watching you and deciphering your baby code to try and keep up but you are fucking fast, Baby.

I keep feeling so caught off guard when I notice that what I thought was working well is no longer working but I think I need to temper my expectations and realize that I will never have it down to a t. You will always be pushing your own new limits and keeping me on my toes.

So, with that in mind, today’s lesson is to never stay complacent and to never rest on your laurels. A million situations will occur in your life that will test all the things you know to be true. A great person will rise in the face of those tests and changes. A weak person will falter and a normal person who is striving to be the best they can be will probably cry in the bathroom for a minute or two and then go out and tackle the day (not that I am speaking from experience in said bathroom or anything).

Babies, or life in general will always be one step ahead of you so all you can do is smile, be open to new things, learn as you go and try your best to keep up.

Hope I can keep up with you, Baby.

Xo

Mom