I’m an Asshole, Baby

December 6, 2015

Dear Baby,

Here’s a truth that no one tells you about postpartum life. You turn into a raging fucking bitch. Like, take who you were at the peak of puberty, add in the way you were when you began to assert your independence as a shitty high schooler and multiply it by a million.

There are some moments that I actually can’t believe the shit that comes out of my mouth. It’s like I have absolutely no filter or control of my words and feelings. I am possessed by this heinous person who says totally messed up shit.

Your dad is, of course the main recipient of the tirades. Friends call and I’m all like, oh everything is great and we are having an amazing week (true) and then your dad calls and I’m like fuck this fucking shit I hate everything and our house is a mess and the dog smells like crap and the mailman who knocked on our door is a fuckhead and I burned my mouth on fucking coffee and I hate you (also true).

New dads should get a manual on how to deal with their crazy ass wives after they have a baby. I actually don’t know how he listens to me unleash all that emotion peppered with the word fuck in every sentence and doesn’t pack his bags and run for the hills.

Baby, your take away today. Spend your time and love on people who will stand by you and support you even when you are a total asshole. And try your best not to be an asshole when you can.



I’m an Asshole, Baby

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