December 5, 2015

Dear Baby,

Last night was the first of many that I stayed home with you and missed a fun night out with friends that your dad went to.

I have some mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, you are the thing I have wanted the most so being with you is my absolute privilege. On the other hand, I want a glass (or bottle) of wine and to talk about something other than sleep and poop with you friends who I feel like I haven’t see in ages.

Plus, I found myself super smug that I could spend the whole night alone with you and totally resentful that your dad could spend the whole night without you.

So while he was out for the night celebrating a close friends birthday, eating a long meal and drinking scotch I was eating take out salad (or inhaling salad in 5 fucking seconds) over your head while watching the Amy Winehouse biopic on basically mute while you slept in my arms and I prayed you wouldn’t have another fussy- ass night.

I wish I could say that I loved the night. That it felt super special to just hang out with you alone and relax but the truth is that I just found it stressful and annoying. I felt like I spent 6 hours walking on eggshells to make you happy which, in the end you weren’t. After a great feed and a great sleep you woke up just as your dad came home screaming.

I must confess to you now that in my haste and frustration I think I might have told you to shut the fuck up. Really sorry about that.

So Baby, here is your lesson today. Just because you might be very happy with your life doesn’t mean you won’t be jealous if others at times. I would NEVER trade a minute with you but that doesn’t stop me from having a huge hate-on for your dad as he describes his witty conversations and amazing 3 course dinner that he the with 2 hands (a luxury never to be taken for granted).

I always feel very guilty when I have this feeling of FOMO or jealousy because I feel like it diminishes how much I love you and how much I want you and how much staying home with you any night of the week is my actual dream come true. I think that we can live with many juxtapositions in our life and missing our old life does not negate loving our new one.

The best you can hope to do is stay present and know that sometimes having it all means giving a lot up. Oh, and buy yourself some chocolate on nights like tonight. Having to eat fucking fruit while you stew is basically the worst thing ever.

xo

Mom.