February 22, 2016

Dear Baby,

It’s a fast paced world we live in. People are rushing to get here and there and often in the mad dash to wherever, manners get strewn aside. Now I don’t claim to be Madam Etiquette (who is definitely not a person anyway) but I do believe that we could all stand to slow down, open our eyes and chill the fuck out. 

Case in point is driving. Anytime. Especially with you in the back. 

I have always hated driving. 

Not for the act of pressing a foot on a pedal and moving a motor vehicle along a paved road but for the losers who share that road with me. Driving brings out this weird self importance and selfishness that I feel is the crux of what is wrong with our world. Too deep? Not deep enough??

Like, where could you possibly have to be going that you need to cut everyone off and drive at a reckless speed down a highway? Where? Are you secretly the most important human on the planet earth? Does the fate of all mankind rest in your being somewhere? Do you hold the key to the survival of our solar system that you must get to at a specific second or miss the opportunity to save life as we know it? 

Or, are you a fucking douchebag who just can’t possibly wait like a normal person to get where they are going? Does your inflated sense of self importance make you feel like you are above the rules of the road? 

I can tell you one thing for sure. You are NOT a new parent who has been reminded of the precious nature of life because they have a tiny defenceless little human riding with them. 

If you were you would know that every time some asshole around you does something unsafe like doesn’t look before turning or texts while driving (here’s looking at you, bitch in a blue BMW on Dufferin yesterday morning), you fucking freak out. 

A man honked me the other day for not making a turn that I didn’t think I had time to make and I almost got out of my car and fucking strangled him (not really). Like, actually how much faster would you have arrived at THE MALL (ok, the fucking mall. Like, I KNOW there is nothing urgent there for sure). And was it worth leaning on your horn and WAKING UP MY SLEEPING BABY?????

Dick. 

People on the road need to check themselves. How about this? If you have to be somewhere at a very specific time, leave with ample time to spare. If you want to drive 100 over the speed limit, hit up a racetrack (and sorry about your obviously tiny penis). 

Baby, today’s lesson is actually a warning. You’d better be a damn good and respectful driver. If you don’t give a fuck about your own safety and mental well being while operating a car, you had better consider this people around you who might. 

You should not need to be driving around a newborn baby to be a good and kind human being/ driver. The end. 

xo

Mom