May 14, 2017

Dear Baby,

May 13, 2017

Dear Baby,

This morning you woke up WAY earlier than normal with a fever and your dad and I were, to be honest, bummed because we had this really fun day full of seeing friends planned out that was to begin with an awesome birthday party. All morning we kept going back and forth about whether to take you in spite of your looking sick and remains flushed and hot but by the time we were putting on our coats to leave, you looked much too sick to take anywhere. We aborted the mission and you ended up taking your nap WAY earlier than normal.

That was a good thing because you woke from your nap (WAY earlier than normal), you had a raging fever. RAGING. You were 105 degrees of human and your dad and I were – to say the least – freaked. We gave you medicine, ran you to the walk in and of course, in true kid form, by the time the very nice doctor (who you called Doctor Ear) saw you, your temperature had subsided and you were back to your normal self.

You were diagnosed with a virus and contrary to the doctor we had seen the day before, she did not seem to think you had an ear infection which, side note: is super fucking annoying because I don’t know why that doctor we saw originally would just put you on antibiotics willy nilly. Like, maybe I don’t want my kid to just take medicine at your whim and maybe I fucking trust you as a medical professional to not just rush to prescribe my kid so that you can bill your time out and get to the next patient lickety split. Maybe I have a huge fucking issue with that. But nonetheless…

Anyways, we had a repeat performance of the fever at bedtime which was a horrible mess of tears and then your dad and I basically couldn’t even talk all the remaining night because we were both so emotionally and otherwise drained from having such a sick and delicious little girl to deal with. Good news: you’re fine. Bad news: I know this is just going to happen again and again. Not like we never get sick after being a baby – amiright?

Good news: Your dad and I managed to stay normal, not fight and support each other through supporting you. Bad news: the party we had to miss on account of you being sick sounded like the kids event of the decade. I hate to tell you this but you missed a bubble magician.

Moral: being sick fucking blows but no matter how sick you are (which I hope you’re not) and no matter how much I hate being around sick people (which I do) and even when pregnant (which I am), I will ALWAYS be there for you to wipe your nose (aka pick your boogers) or just give you a hug when you need it. Also, in case you have kids who get crazy fevers – kids get crazy fevers and really gross weird illnesses. Don’t do nothing but don’t freak out. It’s usually ok and manageable and like everything bad and gross and shitty, it will pass.

xo

Mom

May 12, 2017

Dear Baby,

So your dad and I have been really into Netflix and we have specifically been into these documentaries. Like, you can basically watch a documentary on any subject imaginable on this thing. I obviously chose to most recently watch one about baby mental health and happiness. The baby mental health one was super cool and really talks about the kinds of conditions optimal for giving a person he best chances at strong mental health coping abilities in their life (which is a huge topic of interest to me) but the happiness one really has stuck with me.

It basically examines the science of being happy and what we need and how we achieve happiness. What I took from it is that there are 2 key ingredients in happy people.

1. Family, friendship and strong relationships
2. Activity

The happiest people around seemed to surround themselves with like happy people and spend quality time enjoying the company of others. This is something that I REALLY hope we can instil in you as your dad and I both place a lot of value and meaning into having meaningful relationships. We both love family and we both love being with friends. I  fact, the thing we agree that we love least about spending time with people is when you spend time but in a hectic way and you end up literally just seeing the people but not having the opportunity to actually talk and share.

There will likely be a time in your life as there was for us where seeing and being seen will be really important to you. That’s cool. But then as your time becomes more precious and scarce, you will also likely look to spend it in ways that satisfy your soul. Like, I don’t need to physically see people, I need to connect. To catch up and to share some thoughts and feelings. These are the exchanges that bring me happiness and it seems that I’m not alone, by a long shot.

Because I want you to be ever-happy, I want you to also surround yourself with great people. Your family (and especially amazing mom, just saying) and then people who feel like family. Have the time to share and talk and go deep with people. Have the time to laugh with friends about nothing. Or everything.

The other factor in happiness, the activity component, was also pretty interesting. Here’s a fact. I hate working out. HATE IT. I have been doing it in various forms and intensity for about 6 years and I have never learned to really love it. I guess because of my innate need to be social, I’ve always seen working out as a lonely activity and there is not one time I have done it that I wouldn’t rather be sharing a cookie and latte with a friend and just talking.

But after watching this doc, I realized that I really have to shift my thinking because being active (and NOT for the reasons of weight loss or body image shit – that is literally the opposite of what they were trying to convey) is super important to your happiness and the production of dopamine. I’m all over keeping those dopamine levels as high as possible for my entire life.

So it’s activity for the enjoyment of activity. Like taking a walk or a swim. There’s nothing wrong with working out, per say but it’s more the pursuit of activity for activity sake versus the pursuit of a 6 pack body that makes people happy.

I like that. I can get behind that. I can try and reframe my working out into something like that. You should too.

I want you to always be active, get outside, move your body but I never want you o do it because you feel fat or lesser than. I want you to move because moving feels good and jump because  jumping is fun. I’d say run but running is so bad for your body so unless you really need to run, maybe stick to something more sustainable. Do yoga, surf, whatever. Just enjoy movement and using your body and never get hung up on how may calories a movement will burn. NOT WORTH IT.

Overall, I just want you to be happy. Always.

As happy as I am because of you.

xo

Mom

May 11, 2017

Dear Baby,

Right now I’m watching you sleep on your monitor and calming down from a video I watched about babies being born. Don’t tell your dad but I would have 4 more of you if I wasn’t getting old as fuck. There is nothing in the world I love more.

And you my baby? You are the cream of the crop. I think I’ve told you how your words have been literally exploding. We are at the point where I can’t even keep up with what you say although I can thankfully understand you (most of the time.) To the point, my favourite song has had a remake because you can’t seem to slow down your words. For the past few months – I think since our dogs birthday mid March, you have been obsessed with singing “happy birthday.” But of course, in your hilarious way, it was never actually “happy birthday” but instead was “happy day day.”

HAPPY DAY DAY

Be cuter.

But then yesterday in the blink of an eye, the song got a facelift and turned into a very clear “Happy Birthday.” This made me really proud and then also really emotional (really? imagine that) because it means that you are growing up and absorbing and learning more. All I can tell you is the day that “Boo-day-day” becomes plain old “blueberry” or “beam” becomes “cream,” I am going to fucking lose it.

xo

Mom

May 9, 2017

Dear Baby,

I’ve been pretty hesitant to write a lot about my second pregnancy. Mostly because I’m nervous about it on basically every level possible. But nerves or not, the timing of it all is coming to an end in a few weeks now and that fact is undeniable. There is a chair in the babies room and those little onesies that I can’t believe ever fit you are being unloaded into the drawers of the new closet that was built in the room as well.

But of course, being so all consumed with you, the thing I think about the most of all things is how this will work for us – us being you and I.

Our nanny joined us for 4 days a week starting this week and working through the summer to help me with managing you having a good summer fun of fun and a new baby and this morning, I dropped you guys off at a class I had signed us up for at a school in the neighbourhood. I had intended for you and I to take this class but logistics and scheduling made it such that she will now be taking you (I have bi-weekly OBGYN appointments at the hospital for the remainder of the pregnancy).

I dropped you off and watched you guys walk into the building together without me and I saw a future. I saw a summer of watching you guys leave together for camp and comping hoe with memories that I don’t know about. I saw all the things I am going to miss – all the words and toys and friends, I saw dropping you off for your first day of preschool without me.

I know that this is a part of you growing up and mostly something that I will have to deal with but I don’t fucking like it. In fact, it makes me sick to think about.

I know that all moms love their kids but I can’t believe that any mom has ever loved a kid as much as I love you.

And I know that I’m going to love the next baby just as much and I know that you and I will always love each other and that love will grow and change but here and now, the vision of your little legs walking up the steps to your class without me there breaks my heart into a million pieces and makes me wish that time would slow the fuck down so that I can smother you with a bajillion more kisses.

xo

Mom

May 7, 2017

Dear Baby,

People often talk about the “terrible twos” which seems to me to be a bit of a cop out name for “your kid is now developing language and thoughts and will have moments of opposition or frustration as a result.” I think a better name for this stage would be “getting older and developing a sense of self and independence,” but what the fuck do I know?

Well, I know this. You, my Baby, are officially running in the races of this next stage. By running I mean awkwardly stumbling as your skill set does not include gracefulness at this point but boy oh boy are you stumbling right in. Baby, your language is ridiculous. There is nothing you don’t say at this point and you speak so much and with so much enthusiasm that it’s pretty hard to not understand you. It has been one of the most amazing parts of watching you grow – our ability to actually communicate together.

You remember things that we do and talk about them, you can ask for what you want and you can overall express yourself which, I hope, is going to make you asserting yourself a little more tolerable for us as your parents. I think a big part of the terrible twos stems from kids wanting to speak but not yet having all the words and then feeling frustrated in not being understood.

Rest assured Baby, we understand everything you say. You couldn’t be more clear. Seriously.

But one thing to address is this newfound (or is it even newfound – who knows…) love of the word “NO.” Baby, want to come downstairs? NO. Baby, want to eat? NO. Baby, want to go play outside? NO. no no no no no. I hear that word 4 zillion times a day.

So a normal person might ask why I give you the option to even answer. Like, just don’t ask the questions and then you can’t hear no. I don’t like that. I think you deserve the right to have some autonomy over what you do and how you do it (for the most part) and I think you also deserve to see consequences. Like this am, you woke up and didn’t want to come downstairs when I asked so I walked down the stairs (I can still see you upstairs – I’m not just leaving you alone unsupervised) and played with the dog and turned on music. You saw the fun you were missing and of course, as expected, came hurrying down the stairs to join in. Consequences and reactions in full effect.

And I hesitate to tell you to say yes to everything too. No one likes a yes-woman and you have more than your rights to say no. In fact, it’s great to learn how to say no to things that you don’t want to do. Saying yes to shit you don’t want is a nasty habit I picked up somewhere in my own childhood and now I a in the very long process of learning how to just say NO instead of secretly hating doing things that I should have just not said yes to in the first place. Asserting you wishes is a good thing and setting personal boundaries is a great thing.

I guess the thing I would encourage you when you think about yes and no is to have an open mind and heart. That doesn’t mean saying yes always but it means being open to the idea of yes if it makes you happy or suits your needs. Allowing the possibilities of “yes and…” to lead you to new and exciting places and discoveries and being someone who is amicable and easy going without being a doormat.

It’s funny because I started this whole post off to say how much I dislike your no’s but as I conclude I feel the opposite. I respect your no. I respect your right to say no and I hope that you always feel like you can. The same goes for yes, as mentioned above but I think I will try to be a bit more open-ended to the no moving forward.

See, I don’t always teach you shit, sometimes you teach me something too!

xo

Mom

April 24, 2017

Dear Baby,

Hi! So stayed up WAY too late last night watching this Netflix show called 13 Reasons Why. Since both Netflix and the show will probably be relics by the time you read this, here’s the gist. Netflix is a system that you can watch curated TV on and the show is a new series on Netflix (they make their own series sometimes.)

K, caught up? Cool. So this show was the latest and greatest trend in TV shows and was about this high school aged girl who kills herself and then post mortal releases a series of 13 tapes explaining why she committed suicide and what drove her to such a dark place. Each tape focuses on a different person who contributed to a particular miserable event culminating in a way-too graphic scene of her slitting her wrists in a bathtub.

So first and foremost before I go any further – I think the obvious point to make is that suicide is NEVER the answer. It is, without a doubt, the most selfish and disgusting act a person can commit and if you think the answer to your problems is to make everyone’s lives around you fucking miserable forever, you are wrong. I will raise you to always believe that things and people can change so if you find yourself hating your life, I hope you can come back to the lessons of change and make the ones you need to make before doing something really fucking dumb.

Anyways. I think that the reason this show hit so close to home and why I feel like I want to talk about it with you is that it’s basically everyone’s high school experience. Bullying and being bullied. Girls and boy. Sex and sexuality and cliques. On top of that, even though at the time it will seem like I am just a ridiculous idiot, I know that your brain in high school makes you feel like every single thing is THE BIGGEST thing you could ever face when in hindsight, most of it is just dumb. Fights with friends will seem catastrophic and then 10 years later you won’t even remember that person’s name. That’s just how it goes and you won’t know until you are in it and then out of it.

But the show did a great job of showing how little and big things can hurt from a fight with your best friend to a sexual assault. From an untrue rumour being spread about you to being called “hot”, a seemingly innocent and complimentary statement that makes you an object and less of a person. We’ve all been there. I’ve been there and so each episode was incredible real. I’ve been the bully, the bullied and on the giving and receiving end of all kids of events and words. I even think it’s pretty common to have the fleeting teenage angst ridden thoughts of “would everything be better if I wasn’t around.”

Yes, the show’s victim had a long series of truly escalating and unfortunate events happen to her but not necessarily more or less than anyone I went to school with/ knew.

I made me think a lot about having a kid and being an adult and no longer having the perspective I once did to afford you the space to communicate how you feel. By the time you are in high school and going through all this shit, I will be so much more far removed from the way it felt to be involved in that shit that I may not give you the ears you need or the answers you want. I may not get it.

I mean, I hope that because I was kind of a shit kid and did most of the stupid things I can fear you doing, I will relate more but still – we didn’t have social media, cell phones, or real access to internet. And like the generation before us, we will be slower sexually and life wise than you will be. Development speeds up even though it seems the same.

So this whole rant is just to say that no matter what, where, how and why I am here and I will LISTEN. I will not just hear you and the words you are saying, I will LISTEN to you. I will understand you or do my fucking best job trying. I can’t promise not to judge or be mad or sad about decisions you might make and things that might happened but I can assure you that in spite of any feelings I have, I will support you and love you no matter what. I will respect you as a person and I will always be on your team. You can come to me about literally anything.

And so to make sure these lines of communication are always flowing, I will also promise to tell you everything. There are no secrets in this family and nothing that I will keep from you or hide away. If my true expectation is for you to trust and confide in me (which, to be clear, it is) I will show you the same in kind. Trust and respect are a two way street and I want to show you how much I have for you by sharing my life with you so that you can share yours with me.

I thanked my lucky stars last night that you are still so little and sweet and that I don’t have to deal with an asshole teenaged girl (sorry) right now but in lieu of the fact that I hope that day comes when I do, let’s try and get through it all as best we can together. K?

xo

Mom

April 22, 2017

Dear Baby,

Today we revisited swim lessons which, 6 months later, were so much more successful than they were last time. Was it the cleaner pool? Your maturity or the fact that you were in a great mood this morning? Who knows but you even dunked your head without crying so that was a huge win for me.

There I was fretting about inflicting long term psychological damage on you and your ability to trust people due to being prematurely dunked in the water and you just went ahead and did it smiling. Well, I can safely shake that one off my shoulders now. Phew.

But in the meantime, we ran into so many people at the pool – which is the new nightclub when you have a kid and I also ran into my first experience with sexism. It won’t be the last for me and it certainly won’t be the last for you or your unborn girl baby sibling.

Ran into an acquaintance who inquired about the sex of the unborn baby and gave me a slightly pitying look when I said “girl.”
A look that suggested that girls were tolerable but boys were preferable. A look that suggested that two girls were more an inconvenience than a blessing. A look that said that maybe next time we would be lucky enough to produce a tiny penis.

Well, to that look of pity I will say this. Fuck off.

Pretty sure Beyoncé was as clear as fuck when she said who run the world. Girls. As a woman, I am well aware that sexism and bias exists but to think of it impacting you in any way makes me mad because it’s fucking dumb.

Oh, sorry that we have no one to take on the family name which is a stupid construct of an antiquated tradition anyways. Pretty sure you can pick whatever name you want. I could be Mrs. Potato Head if I wanted so…

Oh, sorry that we don’t have to have genital mutilation served on a platter beside smoked whitefish for all the old men in our community to witness making our baby closer to godliness. I’ll pass on the physical torture and the whitefish platter. Thanks.

Oh, sorry that instead of another boy we are bringing a girl into the world who will fucking make shit happen AND may be the bearer of the future people who will make shit happen. HOW BRUTAL.

That innate sexism and weird religious feelings about sex come up before the baby is even born is exactly what’s wrong with the world – religion and otherwise. How totally shameful for a grown woman to poo poo the life of another future woman. You should know better and you should hang your head in fucking disgrace. I don’t want to say you don’t deserve a vagina, but I hope that today it gets itchy in public. Just cuz.

Baby, know this: being a woman is hard. It’s an unfortunate truth. There are so many balancing acts that you will have to do in your life and you will always thrive and fall. Depending on what you want out of it, you will have to find creative ways to make life work for you and navigate the waters of being a woman, mother, friend and professional – all come with challenges that men will never know. I read this study once that because of good ol’ hormones, a woman’s brain changes radically each month while a mans stays relatively the same throughout.

But this is not your disadvantage and you are not less than. You are great if not greater than. Not only can you truly be whatever you want to be in your life, you will also have the superpower to make other humans. I can’t promise you that you won’t face a whole lot of the same kind of male dominated bullshit in your life, but I can promise you that your dad and I will raise you to know that it IS bullshit and that the people who spew it are just fucking idiots.

So to you my precious DAUGHTER who I am SO happy to have and to your unborn sib who I am also so happy to have, just know that your being female is something I will celebrate every damn day. You should too.

xo

Mom

PS. This no offence to boy babes, I would have been really happy with a boy babe too – they are awesome. This is in offence to anyone who would suggest that not having a boy babe would be anything less than perfect too. You suck, people. Get your head’s out of the past and come join us in the future, it’s a great place to be.

April 16, 2017

Dear Baby,

After several months of a tease serenade of the title song, we finally took you to the zoo with some friends. I don’t really know how I feel about the zoo in terms of it being a weird place where wild animals are put on display for our amusement but nonetheless, it was high time you saw some animals in real life.

I worried that you might be fearful of seeing them as you were last summer when we took you to Riverdale farm and you cried at the horses but figured you’ve come a long  way with maturity and animal related interests.

You were a star. You love seeing the animals and their weird habitats and you only cried once when the hyena came to close to the glass wall you were watching him from. I can’t blame you. We’ve all seen Lion King and the hyenas are worth fearing.

The Toronto Zoo is fucking crazy because it is massive so you can basically walk for a zillion hours and see like, 2 animals. We actually saw 6 animals (and partially due to about 20 minutes of empty space we had to walk through that used to house the elephants who no longer reside at the zoo.)

I can’t say it was a workout but I can’t say that I wasn’t DYING for a nap after either…

You also rode your first carousel which you took to in a funny way. I didn’t know this but you seem to have a strange fear of riding on animal backs. You were happy to sit in a pod but you’d be damed if you were going to ride a monkey or parrot. DAMNED. That’s a weird fear that I think maybe we need to work on because I’ll be damned if you won’t go on rides with me when you are old enough. Your dad already cacked out on me a few years ago claiming that rides make him nauseous all of a sudden so you are my second last hope to have fun at Wonderland and other parks. No pressure.

Overall I would say that your enjoyment and delight outweighed my hesitation about the zoo even though I still don’t think it is a very nice place.

But the moral of this post is to be kind and respectful to animals and know that the zoo can be a great place to observe and learn but that animals are the happiest and best when they are left to themselves in their natural homes. What? We put you in a cage? It’s called a crib and it’s for your own safety. Get over it.

xo

Mom

April 12, 2016

Dear Baby,

Something kind of scary happened the other day. You slept in (not scary and kind of awesome), but at 9, I was getting concerned so I went to wake you and found you listless. You barely moved, barely talked and hardly wanted to get up. This compared to your usual AM routine of singing at the top of your lungs and then showing all your animals and saying hello to every single thing in your room was a hard contrast.

I was worried. Worried enough to take you to a walk in clinic.

Lo and behold you had a double ear infection. POOR GIRL!!!! That must be the fucking worst. I don’t think I was an ear infection kid but my sister was and your dad was and it sounds fucking awful.

The bad news is the ear infection. Good news is that you are a fucking junkie for your banana medicine (amoxicillin) and it can be used to bribe you to do things. Come downstairs and you can have banana medicine makes the long walk downstairs so much less of a thing every day.

This short but sweet post serves to tell you an important thing. Know the people around you and trust your gut when it comes to assessing how they are. I know you SO well that I knew in 5 seconds something was amiss. I literally can tell any time you have a good change, what is going on and it is because I take the time to really know you and pay attention. Do the same for the ones you love.

And trust your gut. If you feel like something is wrong, it probably is. No one ever got hurt by avoiding something their gut said was a bad idea – know what I mean?

xo

Mom