May 9, 2017
I’ve been pretty hesitant to write a lot about my second pregnancy. Mostly because I’m nervous about it on basically every level possible. But nerves or not, the timing of it all is coming to an end in a few weeks now and that fact is undeniable. There is a chair in the babies room and those little onesies that I can’t believe ever fit you are being unloaded into the drawers of the new closet that was built in the room as well.
But of course, being so all consumed with you, the thing I think about the most of all things is how this will work for us – us being you and I.
Our nanny joined us for 4 days a week starting this week and working through the summer to help me with managing you having a good summer fun of fun and a new baby and this morning, I dropped you guys off at a class I had signed us up for at a school in the neighbourhood. I had intended for you and I to take this class but logistics and scheduling made it such that she will now be taking you (I have bi-weekly OBGYN appointments at the hospital for the remainder of the pregnancy).
I dropped you off and watched you guys walk into the building together without me and I saw a future. I saw a summer of watching you guys leave together for camp and comping hoe with memories that I don’t know about. I saw all the things I am going to miss – all the words and toys and friends, I saw dropping you off for your first day of preschool without me.
I know that this is a part of you growing up and mostly something that I will have to deal with but I don’t fucking like it. In fact, it makes me sick to think about.
I know that all moms love their kids but I can’t believe that any mom has ever loved a kid as much as I love you.
And I know that I’m going to love the next baby just as much and I know that you and I will always love each other and that love will grow and change but here and now, the vision of your little legs walking up the steps to your class without me there breaks my heart into a million pieces and makes me wish that time would slow the fuck down so that I can smother you with a bajillion more kisses.