May 14, 2017
This is my second Mother’s Day as your mom or a mom and it’s awesome to be able to celebrate one of the greatest accomplishments I have in life. I don’t know when I decided it but somewhere in my early 20s I got the idea that I could live MY life (and I stress MY life because this post is not to pass judgement on anyone’s choices or lives) without kids. My boyfriend before I met your dad was pretty ambivalent about kids and I was just in a super selfish and stubborn place in my life where the idea of giving up my time and freedom seemed fucking crazy.
I figured that a life without kids would mean infinite possibility and would allow me the time and space to be me so I figured if the person I married didn’t want kids, that was cool. Well, for a million reasons, thank the stars that I didn’t marry my ex boyfriend who didn’t give a shit about kids and did marry your dad for whom having kids was non-negotiable. We agreed early on that kids would be a definite part of our life together and never had the conversation again. Just as fine as I thought I would be with not having kids was as fine as I was with knowing we would eventually have them.
When the time came, we kept pushing back on the day we would start trying. I remember that we had an upcoming trip booked for Jamaica and my priority at the time was smoke some weed and chill. The idea of even trying to make a baby seemed like way too much responsibility to me.
That the process of making you ended up taking 2 years, a lot of money and a huge chunk of my emotional capacity was a sort of ironic twist to wanting to wait. Not that a month more would have made the difference between an IVF pregnancy or not, but it seemed so silly that we did wait when by the ed, I would have given up any vacation to grow you. But hindsight is always 20/20 and there was no reason at the time that I didn’t think that I would get pregnant immediately upon wishing it so. Whoops.
Anyways, the 2 years of “trying” did a lot of good in assuring me without any questions or concerns that I was ready and wanted to be a mom. Sure, there was the dog we bought in that time that made the notion of responsibility and parenting a more real thing in our home but it was more than that. It was this deep longing for you that grew both from time and circumstance. It was feral and it was real and it needed to be satiated.
And you, my sweet sweet baby, did it.
The day you were born and the day I became a mom was the day that everything in the world felt as though it was just as it should be. There is no role I have ever wanted more or enjoyed better and there is literally nothing about being a mom that I would trade for a day of “freedom.” A day with a double ear infection, crying and clingy baby who won’t do anything I say and then smacks me in the face so hard I see stars is still more worth it to me than a trip around the world. Sounds corny – is corny – also true.
This Mother’s Day I spent mostly indoors with you while you went in and out of being in bad moods due to still being sick. You were MUCH better than on Saturday but still sick enough to forfeit another day of activity in favour of resting and getting you healthy. What could be more “Mother-y” than that? Brunch and manis? NOT mom stuff (ok, sometimes mom stuff), breakfast in bed? Really. really. Lavish gifts? I mean, I’ll take them but that’s not really what being a mom is all about.
Being a mom is about carrying your 25 pound toddler up a steep hill because they don’t want to walk anymore even when you are 8 months pregnant and DYING. Being a mom is tantrums and boogers and poo and having your kid delight in wiping dirt on your pants even when you try hard to look presentable so that you can make some friends at the neighbourhood park. Mom is the one who sits and asks (for the bagillionth time) if you will please eat your peas.
But it’s not all bad. Mom is the one who gets cuddles when you feel shy or scared or just loving. Mom is the one you call for bedtime kisses and books. Mom has so many inside jokes with you and laughs at least 50% of every day because of how much fun she gets to have with you. Mom gets to delight in firsts, relish in growth milestones and watch in sheer amazement when you conquer something totally mundane. Mom is the one who cried tears of happiness when you got into a program she liked and for whom the best part of any day is recapping the funny things you did and said.
Being a mom is being a lot of things so when one of them is your nurse, caregiver, kisser of boo-boos and giver of hugs when you feel rotten, that’s a pretty real way to sum up being a mom on Mother’s Day.
That being said, next year, I’ll take flowers and no fever.
Thank you, Baby for being my daughter and making me a mom. There are no words for my gratitude, love and total joy in the role I was given.