November 10, 2017

Dear Babies,

Omg TGIF. This has been one big long week from hell and I am thrilled to be saying a hearty goodbye to it. Fuck you, week. We’re over you.

Now that everyone is on the mend (poo poo poo), it’s time to get back to our regularly scheduled schedule of doing shit. But, oh wait – it snowed!

When I opened my eyes this morning and saw the snow on the ground my initial thought was “fuck” and that it would be a long time before I ventured out to the great outside again. I hate being cold, I hate snow and I hate winter in general. But then I had this flash of being a kid and seeing that first amazing snowfall and I remembered how exciting it was.

There was the thrill of new outdoor activities, of new coats and the possibilities that lay in the freezing beyond.

It made me think how much I love being able to re-see the world in your eyes. Eyes that look at this snowy day not with contempt but with wonder. It made me want to haul out my parka (ug) and take you on a snow-venture.

And this is just another time it’s good to remember that the world isn’t as grey as it seems sometimes – if you can see it through the eyes of a child. Play more and pout less and let’s get on with this wonderful winter because I know when I was a kid, that’s exactly what it always was.

xo

Mom

P.S. By the time we got winter ready, the snow had melted. Of course.

November 7, 2017

Dear Babies,

This morning I awoke expecting some relief from the fucking plague of hand foot and mouth only to find that the rash had multiplied by a zillion. So that’s good.

Did you know that this illness is a tiny blip for babies but excruciating for adults? Because of course it is. Just another way life tests how much you can stand before you snap.

Does screaming at the top of your lungs to yourself count as snapping? If so, consider me broken.

Being sick is an interesting glance at your partnerships. You learn a lot about the people around you when shit isn’t going your way. On a broad level, you’ll quickly tell which of your friends really care about you by who asks how you are doing. It’s not a big deal that most don’t, it’s more that those who do are the ones who are special and you should remember that.

That’s not to make you feel like anyone who doesn’t inquire within isn’t worth your time, people are just not so tuned in to those around them. I’m sure I’m just as guilty of that kind of shit.

On a closer level, you’ll learn who is your direct support network. Which of your family members offer to help. Do you need anything? Can they do anything to lighten your load? Do you need just a small check in? I think it’s pretty easy to forget that moms need some TLC too (see previous post) so make sure to send extra love to those people who offer it. They are few and far between.

And in the home you have your family. In my case, you guys are too little to know what to do. Baby is still fully dependent and toddler thinks it’s hilarious to punch me in my “boobly boob” even though I feel like my nipple might just burn off my body.

Being sick scares you so I have to be really careful not to do anything that will worry you or make you feel like mom isn’t 100%. NO PRESSURE.

Then there is dad who, for some reason, finds me to be super hard to deal with when I’m sick. Am I? I don’t know. Maybe. I feel like I’m easy because all I really want is for everyone to be really nice to me and not yell at me and just show a bit of extra compassion and kindness and patience (in the event that I’m not being easy – which is totally possible).

Ug. I’m rambling.

I don’t mean to be a Debby downer but I’ll leave you with this little nugget of future advice. Don’t rely on people to take care of you when you’re down (except me, I will literally always take care of you even if it means I get hand foot and mouth 400 times over). It’s much better to learn how to manage yourself and take care of you. Nothing is worse than being sick and disappointed.

Thank anyone who bothers to help you and make sure you reciprocate the kindness.

Learn how to make a good pot of chicken soup.

But mostly, don’t you worry your little heads because I will never leave you sick and unattended. And I make wicked chicken soup.

xo

Mom

November 7, 2018

Dear Babies,

That’s the saying, “big girls don’t cry.”

Spoiler alert: NOT TRUE

Today I cried in the car getting gas because I caught your little virus and I have painful and itchy fucking blisters on my hands and feet that are multiplying like flies.

I cried because it’s sore and annoying and walking hurts and just breathing hurts. I cried because I think one of these blisters has popped up on my nipple but I still have to nurse so I am dying every 3 or so hours.

I cried because who the fuck is there to take care of me when I am firstly, sick and secondly, probably contagious. No one. That’s who. Your dad, bless his little hypochondriac soul is basically the opposite of nice when people are sick around him, you guys are still too young and needy and the dog is of no help at all. Thanks dog.

And this is adulthood in a nutshell. You might not be able to walk properly because the soles of your feet are so fucked up that they are unrecognizable but you’re going to the park anyways because toddlers don’t understand why not.

You may want to curl up and die but you will be whipping out sore boobs on command because baby’s gotta eat.

And when the day is done and the dishes are cleaned and you have five seconds to relax you’ll probably not take it and hit repeat for the next day.

Full disclosure: I still love being your parent when I’m sick – I just wish someone would take care of me!!!!

xo

Mom

November 4, 2017

Dear Babies,

We got real lucky with you two because you like sleep and tend to (on a normal day when you don’t have a gross illness) sleep in. We leisurely begin our day at 8ish am when we don’t have to rush to school and when we do, we wake you up around 7:30. So ya, suffice to say that we recognize how amazing it is that you guys like to sleep in.

I hear about families that begin their days at 5am and I want to die.

But still, every morning when I look at the clock and it’s somewhere between 8:30-9:30 I think to myself, damn it’s so fucking early.

Babies, your mom is many things but an early riser “morning person” is not one of them. I would literally sleep in until 10am every day if I could and it was still socially normal.

I love sleep so much. So so so much.

So thanks for being reasonable sleeping babies. We really appreciate your help.

xo

Mom

November 1, 2017

Dear Babies,

Well, we kicked of November with a bang and by bang I mean HORRIBLY WITH A GROSS VIRUS.

Hand, foot and mouth disease has ravaged our home and proven to be as offensive as its name suggests. Only a kid illness would be as gruesome yet harmless as HFM (yup, I acronymed this bitch).

Since you won’t remember having it, here’s a quick recap. Bad fever, mild cold and body covered in small blisters. You both look gross but more so the baby who obviously got it twice as bad. Great.

In quarantine, we’ve been spending a lot of time making up activities to do since I’m hesitant to take you anywhere that other kids go for fear of spreading this love. It’s not love. It’s just gross.

The good news, you’re both not too bad and still are able to eat which is good because I hear that some kids get sores in their mouth that are so painful they can’t eat which is a whole other ballgame of shit to deal with. The bad news is that it seems very annoying and upsetting to baby and so we’ve been up on the hour every hour as a direct result. 45 minutes sleep cycles are a real thing and we are living (zombie) proof today.

So my advice to you is this. I’m the event that you one day find yourself living in a home surrounded by sick people and feeling like shit yourself (because, of course adults can get this too so don’t you think it’s coming my way) drink wine. So much wine. Can’t drink wine? Try a hot toddy. Put some booze in your hot tea. Whatever. I’m not advocating being an alcoholic but I am saying that a splash of juice makes the whole thing slightly more bearable. Slightly.

Ok. Please feel better soon.

xo

Mom

October 31, 2017

Dear Babies,

I’m sitting here in the dark willing baby to go back to sleep. My expectation is that I would have been sleeping by now having finished feeding you over 20 minutes ago. My reality is that every time I put you down you cry leaving me hostage. So here we are and this is a first great example of life not meeting your wild (or tame) expectations.

Another is today being Halloween. I had at least 5 awesome family costumes picked out, not one of us dressed up.

Halloween is literally my favourite holiday of ever so it would be fitting that with it comes a lot of anticipation and unlike New Years, it’s never missed the mark. I sit and dream of Halloween all year long and Halloween rewards my patience. I have historically had amazing costumes, well decorated homes and spooky, ornate pumpkins. I imagined Halloween with my kids would be the usual awesomeness plus.

And this is where I have to remind you both that your expectations may not always be met in spite of efforts.

When you woke up this am with a fever and we relinquished the idea of going to your school costume parade, the day was already trending poor. It never recovered.

You were sick, your dad recovering from eye surgery, the sky was rainy and one of our skeleton decorations fell down.

By the time dinner rolled around you had insisted in NOT going out and were crying for your bed.

We managed to encourage you to give out candy and just as you seemed to get into it a little boy in a spooky mask scared the fuck out of you and the night officially ended at 6:55. We turned off the lights, ate the remaining candy ourselves and did a short version of bedtime.

Oh well. There is always next year…

The point here is that you can’t let a defiance to your expected outcome ruin a night. Sure, we had rehearsed “trick or treat” and told the story of Halloween to death in preparation for tonight but you know what? Tomorrow is another day and while it may not be as spooky (because November 1 just doesn’t have the spooky vibes), it will still be a good one. Or not. Point is that nothing bursts into flames when expectations aren’t met (unless the particular thing you’re expecting is not to have a fire and then things go south).

Tomorrow is another day and another one of many to have a great day (just not in an awesome costume).

Don’t be sad to have missed this event. It only makes me want to make next year better. I’m already setting myself up but it will be ok if it all comes crashing down (but I might think kids are a Halloween curse).

xo

Mom

October 19, 2017

Dear Babies,

2 of you sleeping is no joke. I get to catch up in a major way. From 0 posts in a month to 2 in one day. Lucky!!

So, last night sucked. I’m not going to name names but someone didn’t sleep AT ALL and drove us fucking crazy all night. Hint: you are currently sleeping in our room but soon to be moving into your own new room because of the above travesty. This morning was no better. The sleeplessness and waking up continued until about 5am when you got pulled into our bed which meant that mama (me) had to sleep with a human on her arm. It’s adorable, yes but also sweaty and super uncomfortable. I love it so much just not after not sleeping at all for a whole night – ya feel me?

Anyways, suffice to say that I woke up in a total shit mood. The world was grey and gloomy and I was M.A.D. When you didn’t take a proper morning nap I wondered why on earth I ever uttered the words “maybe we should have more babies” ever. I left the house late for my bootcamp and pissed at everything. Then I did my mom/baby workout and then magically, everything was better. The sky looked bluer and my outlook was a bit more optimistic than before. Because:

1. EVERYONE (and especially mamas who are tied to their baby 24/7) needs a fucking break. Girls, take some breaks. Give yourself time to do something for you. Is it selfish to make time for yourself? NO. It’s selfish not to and then to be a huge bitch.
2. Working out really does boost your mood. It’s not a gimmick to make you join a gym, it is a true fact of life. Every single day that I workout, I feel a zillion times better than when I don’t. Expending that energy gives me more energy and makes the little things, like a botched nap, seem pretty little.

You guys will have shit days and if you’re anything like me, you will have a hard time regulating yourself when you are overtired, overworked or just over it BUT, there is a saving grace in knowing that a little bit of self care goes a long long way. I remember when I was a brand new mom for the very first time, your dad got me a facial and I went for the hour and it was like having a month of good sleep. That hour away to recharge and regroup doing something loving for myself was the best.

So if and when life becomes overwhelming, go for a walk, a run or a class and release some of those great endorphins and then call me – I’ll take you for a good facial or glass of wine (legal age pending) any day of the week.

xo

Mom

October 19, 2017

Dear Babies,

Today marks our littlest being 4 months. Time has flown by in the way that any amazing/terrible experience does. In hindsight, it was fast. In the moment, painfully slow. I was re reading the 4 month entries from back in 2016 and it seems that, contrary to my narrative of it, this was pretty much the same for me back then too.

In my mind, I was sleeping blissful nights and enjoying every precious moment but it seems like I was a sleep deprived maniac then too which is comforting and scary.

At 4 months I can tell you that on the good side, you are a HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY girl. You literally never cry (unless we’re home alone together after a particularly bad night (because, you know… karma???) and in fact when you are wide awake in the middle of every night, you are smiling away. That’s just you. Demanding but oh so happy. You are rolling around, cooing away, playing with your toys and seemingly fascinated with your sister (and who can blame you).

The bad is that the time and dedication I once had has been cut in 2 and divided by 10. I have not once spent a full day just with you doing nothing. It just doesn’t happen for us. I feel badly because it’s time that is special and time that I want to have but between your sister, life, work and maybe taking a shower here and there, it’s not happening. I hope the having a full loving house and 2 parents who know the drill and don’t freak out about everything is an adequate compensation to not having tons of one-on-one time.

In fairness, we do spend some quality time together and it is really nice and we still take epic naps cuddling in my bed (yup, in bed, don’t judge me) so it’s not to say we aren’t bonded – just to say that I wish I cold spend even more time together.

The hopefully soon to change is that you never fucking sleep. If you could get that together, I would be so much happier. Thanks.

Mostly though, having you both is great and a testament to that is the fact that I have your sister napping, you napping, the whole house to myself and here I am sitting and writing a blog about you to you. There you go.

And so my loves, with a little more sleep we should be a-ok and after a rough start and a REALLY TIRED day, I’m happy to be able to say that.

xo

Mom

October 16, 2017

Dear Babies,

It’s been a while. I’m sorry. Again. 2 kids is no joke and life is busy – to say the least. But I’m sitting here with your dad, coming down from a hot workout class (like, who ever thought that would be a good idea??? Make you work out in a heated room. Thanks. I sweat enough as is) and since he’s watching sports, I have basically silence. Minus the sports. He’s busy drooling at the tv screen.

So right now in life there is a huge women’s movement based on the recent true allegations of this Hollywood producer who was sexually assaulting women. It was physical and it was verbal and basically a zillion actresses and Hollywood people came forward and accused this major person of rape and abuse and so the dialogue begins.

The gist is that it’s not ok to sexually assault women. In the workplace or otherwise. And this extends from rape to unsolicited touching to sexual comments to even being fucking whistled at on the street. Finally, people are saying what we women have know for years. It’s just not ok.

So with all this going on in the media, you would guess that people would be EXTRA sensitive to not doing this shit. I mean, it’s crazy that it happens in the first place but now when the spotlight is on it, even crazier and yet…

I was out this weekend for your aunt’s stagette and we ended the night at a hard core dance club. Now, for the record, I don’t typically go to places like that. It was insane and I seriously hope you girls don’t go to places like that. I saw at least 3 separate “couples” have full out dry sex (I think dry) around me. Women were dressed in what even my teenage self would call fucking skimmmmpppppy. A piece of fabric is not a dress. K? And there were so many guys wearing sunglasses indoors. Newsflash: you still look high on coke, dude.

And don’t you think that not one, but at least 3 guys came over and physically touched me. It ranged from someone putting their arm around my shoulders to a guy pulling at my arm as I was walking to a guy trying to dance up behind me. All 3 times I said “no thank you” and all 3 times I was ignored. So just to repeat, in the wake of a huge conversation about violating women and their rights to have a safe and not fucking gross personal space, I was touched against my will more than one time in a given night.

And the thing about it was that it felt “normal.” It felt like the exact kind of behaviour I could expect and as a mom of two girls, as a woman, as a parent of the future generation and as a fucking human being, that makes me sick. I should have the right to go out dancing with my girlfriends (wearing whatever the fuck I want to) and not have anyone touch me without my consent.

Also, as a side note, not that I was personally interested but if I were – who goes home with a dude who grabs your arm? Like, you’re way better off trying to have a conversation. Or making cute eye contact. Anything other than basically trying to physically force a connection.

I digress. So basically it reminded me that while there is a conversation that is starting about how to treat women (and people – but in this case, women) and what is appropriate sexual behaviour (nothing that isn’t explicitly asked for and even then…) this conversation is just the beginning. Clearly, the message has not hit the club circuit and I’m sure has been missed in many instances that I really hope you never have to encounter.

By the time you read this I hope that you always feel safe, equal and respected but my guess is that we have a long way to go to make that happen and douchebags like my friends at the club will make that journey longer and harder because: stupidity and ignorance.

In the meantime, let’s sign you girls up for some serious martial arts and arm you with the confidence to know when something doesn’t feel right. You do not have to just take what is handed to you and you never have to submit sexually or otherwise to anyone. Ever.

Be strong in a world full of weakness.

There’s this hashtag going around so that woman can say “me too,” as in, I too have experienced some kind of sexual abuse or assault and the point is to show just how many women you know have been impacted. I could add a “me too” too many times to count. In our family, I hope that ends with me.

*Woah mom , way to come back to the blog with a vengeance.

xo

Mom

September 6, 2017

Dear Baby,

While today marks a weird day for your sister as she goes to school for the first time, it also marks a really exciting day for you and I as we begin a year of actually spending time together.

People say a lot of things about a second child but one of the most profound things I can say is that I really never have the time and space to know you. Every minute that we are all together, our attention is taken by your sister. It’s hard to focus on the details of your cry when your sister is running towards traffic on a busy street. Hard to study your face when we are trying to prevent her from gouging your eyeballs out (lovingly, I think.)

For better and worse, she takes a lot of our attention so with her leaving us for 4 mornings per week we actually will be spending chunks of quality alone together for the first time ever. This makes the transition I am experiencing with her a lot easier because I am really excited to get to know you better.

I want to be able to tell exactly what you are thinking by a small sample of your cry. I want to immerse myself in getting to know the details of you and spending the time doing silly baby things like playing with a rattle or tummy time (the long forgotten tummy time… whoops). I want to go for walks together and inhale your little baby smell. I want to be so connected that you are instantly calmed in my arms. I want to repeat the same wonderful classes and experiences I had with your sister because you are so fucking sweet and you and I deserve the chance to really hang out and be together.

So today also marks the real start of our journey together as we spend the year nurturing you and fostering your growth and personality. I can’t wait to see what unfolds…

xo

Mom