July 20, 2016

Dear Baby,

Last night your dad and I went out to a concert. Ok, wait. Let me backtrack and tell you that first, you projectile vomited all over your chair, rug and mom. I have never been puked on before in my life and it was every bit as gross as I imagined it to be. It was perfectly timed with me putting you to sleep before leaving to go out so I enjoyed my night perfumed with the aroma of puke. (Don’t worry, Baby. You were totally fine and didn’t even seem to realize you barfed at all and then promptly fell asleep.)

We have not been to a concert in a while and we have not been to a concert at my favorite venue, the Molson Amphitheatre in a really long while. It was nice to be back on that grassy hill that has been the background to so many memorable nights in my life.

And, not for the first time there we were seeing Dave Matthews- the soundtrack to my teenage years. I remember thinking… (get it?) that I would def get married to Crash and that Say Goodbye was written for that time I made out with my best friend and then pretended that it never happened the next day. Dave was there with me through university singing his folky little love songs as I “found myself.”

So suffice to say that there was a bit of nostalgia coming with me to the concert and a feeling like I was reliving something from days gone by to songs that defines very specific and detailed moments in my life.

And it had me thinking about the ways in which we profoundly change into a new person when we get older. Of course, your essence remains the same always (usually) but when you think you really really really know yourself in your 20’s, your 30’s change everything and I have a sneaky suspicion that this is going to be an ongoing trend.

But anyways, I was thinking about how much of me has changed in the past few years and specifically since having you. I often think back to things that have happened in the past and have a hard time not only recalling the situation but recalling how I was int he situation. I can’t remember what the fuck I must have been thinking for many a time gone by.

And then sitting on this hill listening to this band that all remind me of a person that I was before I was the person I am now brought me right back. I am not trying to be super cheesy and have one of those “the music moved me” moments. It’s not true- I barely knew any of the songs and didn’t find the music to be especially moving at all BUT it was more like for that night I wasn’t actively being the mom, wife, worker or friend. I was just being me at a concert with a beer etc. in hand listening to some people play some music late night in my city.

I got to be a person that I don’t often get to be.

And then, of course, I got to wake up and resume my regular self- bright and early at 7am sharp.

I think that is a really great thing about growing up- you do grow up and change and become a bit more mature but you can- if you want to- still access that kid part of you. And each side makes you appreciate the other side.

Baby, you will grow up and probably stress out about the loss of yourself- the way that in a blink of an eye things went from fun to serious and life went from a total party to a more tame housebound version of itself (am I making growing up sound awesome?? It actually is .) But don’t stress- take the times when you can to do the things you love. If you love music as much as I do then GO to those concerts when they come. See the bands that make you smile. Sit your old ass down on that lawn and laugh with friends while you watch the sun set. Indulge, let loose and be present in your moment.

And tomorrow, say goodbyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeee…….

In the meantime, I’ll be taking an afternoon nap with you to recover from being me.

xo

Mom