June 14, 2016

Dear Baby,

Tonight we tried something new with you. Dad put you to sleep. I left the house completely and he took the role that I have been performing for 9 months. Sure, when you were very little he put you to sleep sometimes and when you wake up crying he is sometimes the one who goes to get you back down but 99% of the time it’s you and me and some Goodnight Moon in our bedtime bash. 

The truth? You are so much more independent and capable of putting yourself to sleep. You don’t need to fall asleep nursing and you don’t even need that much coaxing on a good night. I do nurse you every night but it is almost just for comfort and closeness that we do it. You eat so much now that it’s no longer you main source of nighttime nourishment. 

As we get closer and closer to you being 1 years old, I feel it is more and more important for you to experience things like having someone else put you to sleep. It lends to having you sleep over at a grandparents house or me being able to go out and not worry about your bedtime. There are a million reasons why I want to encourage your resilience and ability to be with people other than me. 

There is only one reason that it makes my heart ache. I miss you. 

Last night was one of the hardest for me in a while. Instead of thriving in my newfound time alone I cried my whole way to Pilates. Baby, I am so proud of you growing up and being such an agreeable babe but those changes mark some changes with us and after spending every single day with you for the past 9 months, it’s a pill that is hard to swallow. 

We wake together, eat together, play, walk and talk together. There is literally not a thing I do that you don’t come with and the times I have left you and done something on my own cap out at 2 ish hours. In 9 months I have probably spent a total of 3 days away from you if you added up all the hours. Maybe. 

I think a part of it is how much I hate to be alone and what awesome company you are. I went grocery shopping after my Pilates class last night and I felt lonely. I don’t go grocery shopping without you and I had no one to talk to! You are my best friend. I miss you when you are not around. 

Which makes me believe that I need to get a bit of a grip. I need to relearn how to be alone or at least how not to cry at fucking Loblaws in public. 

And that leads me to my lesson for you. Learn how to enjoy your own company and be alone. I hope you seldom are and that when you are, it’s of your own choice but loving alone time is a great skill and one that I wish I had developed a bit better before I had you. 

Don’t rely on anyone to be your constant companion because everything changes. Friends, babies. Everything. Be your own best friend and you will be forever content wherever you are. 

Or, call me. I’ll always be your sidekick. Just kidding- no I’m not.

In the meantime, your dad did a good job of getting you to sleep and it was a huge step towards more growing and developing. For both of us.

xo

Mom