I’m an Asshole, Baby

December 6, 2015

Dear Baby,

Here’s a truth that no one tells you about postpartum life. You turn into a raging fucking bitch. Like, take who you were at the peak of puberty, add in the way you were when you began to assert your independence as a shitty high schooler and multiply it by a million.

There are some moments that I actually can’t believe the shit that comes out of my mouth. It’s like I have absolutely no filter or control of my words and feelings. I am possessed by this heinous person who says totally messed up shit.

Your dad is, of course the main recipient of the tirades. Friends call and I’m all like, oh everything is great and we are having an amazing week (true) and then your dad calls and I’m like fuck this fucking shit I hate everything and our house is a mess and the dog smells like crap and the mailman who knocked on our door is a fuckhead and I burned my mouth on fucking coffee and I hate you (also true).

New dads should get a manual on how to deal with their crazy ass wives after they have a baby. I actually don’t know how he listens to me unleash all that emotion peppered with the word fuck in every sentence and doesn’t pack his bags and run for the hills.

Baby, your take away today. Spend your time and love on people who will stand by you and support you even when you are a total asshole. And try your best not to be an asshole when you can.

xo

Mom

I’m an Asshole, Baby

Baby FOMO

December 5, 2015

Dear Baby,

Last night was the first of many that I stayed home with you and missed a fun night out with friends that your dad went to.

I have some mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, you are the thing I have wanted the most so being with you is my absolute privilege. On the other hand, I want a glass (or bottle) of wine and to talk about something other than sleep and poop with you friends who I feel like I haven’t see in ages.

Plus, I found myself super smug that I could spend the whole night alone with you and totally resentful that your dad could spend the whole night without you.

So while he was out for the night celebrating a close friends birthday, eating a long meal and drinking scotch I was eating take out salad (or inhaling salad in 5 fucking seconds) over your head while watching the Amy Winehouse biopic on basically mute while you slept in my arms and I prayed you wouldn’t have another fussy- ass night.

I wish I could say that I loved the night. That it felt super special to just hang out with you alone and relax but the truth is that I just found it stressful and annoying. I felt like I spent 6 hours walking on eggshells to make you happy which, in the end you weren’t. After a great feed and a great sleep you woke up just as your dad came home screaming.

I must confess to you now that in my haste and frustration I think I might have told you to shut the fuck up. Really sorry about that.

So Baby, here is your lesson today. Just because you might be very happy with your life doesn’t mean you won’t be jealous if others at times. I would NEVER trade a minute with you but that doesn’t stop me from having a huge hate-on for your dad as he describes his witty conversations and amazing 3 course dinner that he the with 2 hands (a luxury never to be taken for granted).

I always feel very guilty when I have this feeling of FOMO or jealousy because I feel like it diminishes how much I love you and how much I want you and how much staying home with you any night of the week is my actual dream come true. I think that we can live with many juxtapositions in our life and missing our old life does not negate loving our new one.

The best you can hope to do is stay present and know that sometimes having it all means giving a lot up. Oh, and buy yourself some chocolate on nights like tonight. Having to eat fucking fruit while you stew is basically the worst thing ever.

xo

Mom.

Baby FOMO

Baby Steps

December 4, 2015

Dear Baby,

For every step we take forward we take one step back. I was so thrilled about your laughter yesterday that I almost forgot about the fact that you have turned into a total snake for the past 3 days.

Babies have this weird way of turning on a dime. One day you think you know them so well and then they are all like, haha you stupid idiot. You know nothing at all.

Here’s how it’s been. You wake up from sleep or nap and scream bloody murder for the 5 seconds it takes me to whip out your meal/ my boob. Then we change you mid feed and you scream even louder. Then we finish your feed and you keep screaming until you realize that you are actually not upset any more. Then you smile.

I get about 20 minutes of the sweetest girl in the world before you get tired eyes and then you spend the next 40 ish minutes screaming again while I try and relax you to sleep.

I mean, I get it. It must be so shit to have someone rock you to sleep to the sound of ambient white noise in a perfectly temperature controlled room. I totally understand.

Good old Dr. Google informed me that this is a new developmental and growth stage and that your sudden snake- like behaviours are totally normal- which is obviously nice to hear and saves me calling the exorcist.

Baby, you are already always one step ahead of me. I spend my days watching you and deciphering your baby code to try and keep up but you are fucking fast, Baby.

I keep feeling so caught off guard when I notice that what I thought was working well is no longer working but I think I need to temper my expectations and realize that I will never have it down to a t. You will always be pushing your own new limits and keeping me on my toes.

So, with that in mind, today’s lesson is to never stay complacent and to never rest on your laurels. A million situations will occur in your life that will test all the things you know to be true. A great person will rise in the face of those tests and changes. A weak person will falter and a normal person who is striving to be the best they can be will probably cry in the bathroom for a minute or two and then go out and tackle the day (not that I am speaking from experience in said bathroom or anything).

Babies, or life in general will always be one step ahead of you so all you can do is smile, be open to new things, learn as you go and try your best to keep up.

Hope I can keep up with you, Baby.

Xo

Mom

Baby Steps

Laughter is Medicine, Baby

December 3, 2015

Dear Baby,

This afternoon after spending a full day together, you did the most amazing thing. You laughed.

You began smiling a few weeks ago and those amazing little smiles have since become huge gummy grins that greet me in the mornings and all throughout the day. That little smile saved your tiny bum from being my number one enemy at 4am.

So today when I began playing a silly game with you in bed and your have me the biggest grin, I was delighted but not surprised but that grin turned into a full person laugh. A real laugh and I just about died.

They say laughter is the best medicine and I can’t agree more. Forget being tired, dirty and hungry. I could live on that sweet little laugh alone.

I have spent the remainder of today trying to replicate that laugh from you.

I want you to know, Baby that despite what you might think based on your 11 weeks of observation- your dad and I both love to laugh and we laugh a lot.

You may not hear it much now in your short periods of wakefulness. You may only hear coos, happy voices and music but when you are asleep and we can finally talk properly we laugh quiet muffled laughs.

I love your laugh the most because I can’t wait for all of us to laugh together. I hope to give you a home filled with laughter and fun and seeing the beginning of it today made my heart swell with delight.

So today’s lesson is less a lesson and more a hope that this first laugh will be the first one millions and that you will be able to laugh about funny things, laugh off the haters, laugh at yourself and laugh at others (in a kind way). That you will love to laugh.

What more could I ask for? (Maybe for you to laugh again tomorrow…)

xo

Mom

Laughter is Medicine, Baby

Baby Onion

December 1, 2015

Dear Baby,

Happy December. I can’t even believe how fast time is passing. Every day just flies by and here we are in the final month before 2015.

Baby, being a new mom- like many transitions in your life- call to question who you are. I remember going through this back at the beginning of university and then again in my mid 20s. Each new stage begging a definition of what makes you you.

In university I defined myself through giving zero fucks. Zero. Please give some fucks if you go to university, Baby. It is an expensive time not to care about. I digress.

In my late 20s I redefined myself again. I went from no fucks given to being a somewhat responsible human. I went back to school and graduated after dropping out, I began a career I enjoyed and I met your dad and began the very basics of starting a life together. Things gave certainly progressed from there but nothing has changed so dramatically again until now.

With this new transition I am left in a pretty unfamiliar place. It’s been a good 10 years since I had to question myself and I don’t think I was at all prepared to do it again.

But here I am.

And in this new body that I don’t know, with a new room mate that I am just getting to know, with a relationship that has been turned upside down and with friends that I can’t seem to talk to i am feeling a bit lost in the process.

I don’t know if this is what it is like for everyone, Baby but in case you ever feel lost in yourself know that you are not alone.

I know that this redefinition will take time and I know that it is not as dramatic as I am making it out to be.

You and I are getting more used to each other every day and your dad and I are learning to navigate having a loving relationship while parenting and being kind to each other on no sleep (which he is WAY better at). Friendships continue to evolve and for every friend that I feel less relatable to now, a new one has popped up.

It all seems so much more important than it or then it will be in a few months from now when I have the perspective to reflect back.

Even though it is hard to “lose yourself”, the amazing thing is that you also get to build on yourself. There is still a tiny part of me that gives zero fucks, a part that is excited about work, a part that is more responsible, a part that is childish. There are a million parts and it is amazing that we are constantly afforded the chances to change and grow.

So Baby, today’s lesson is that growing and changing can be really hard and really scary but don’t be afraid. We are so dynamic and amazing and every chance you get to grow will layer in the incredible pieces that make you special.

Every transition you make will layer on a new piece of you like an onion (or something more glamorous than an onion- why do people always use onion layers as analogies- I’m sure we could find another item that has multiple layers- or onion, whatever.)

Keep growing my little onion.

xo

Mom

Baby Onion