November 7, 2016

Dear Baby,

This afternoon when Abegail (your nanny) went to grab you from your nap and brought you downstairs to see me you had a look of genuine surprise. Surprised to see mama in the kitchen? Cooking!! Real food!!!! 

That is the exact reason I have decided to go on a cooking tip and learn how to make some damn food. Because you should not be shocked to see me make something*

*obviously I know that you were not really shocked to see me cooking and that you could have been making a fart for all I know. But still, my point remains the same. 

So today I tried a couple of dishes from my moms fan favourite cookbook, Heart Smart by Bonnie Stern. As usual I decided to not just do one small thing but a lot of big things so suffice to say it was a several hot endeavour. 

I made a soup (well I actually had made a soup last night that turned out so well that I made some more to add to it since we ate most of it for dinner yesterday) and it was a pretty easy/ fool proof soup that was fucking delicious. You bought it was so delicious until you didn’t and then decided to fling your hands on horror at the spoon as if I was feeding you rusty razors instead of fucking awesome lentil soup. I’ll try not to take it personally. 

Then I made a meatloaf. A chicken meatloaf. It came out kind of weird and had a consistency more similar to stuffing than meatloafs I have had before but who the fuck knows. It could have just as well been perfect. Unsure. It tasted pretty good and your great grandmother who eats nothing liked it so that’s something. 

I cut up sweet potato to roast but minus the knife, you could basically do that so I can’t really take a lot of credit for that. 

Finally, and most awesomely, I made a crisp. It was the fucking bomb. I’m sorry that we ate it all because I’m sure you would have lost your mind for it. Mind you, you lose your mind for applesauce so do you need crisp? Probs not. Save that sugar for the grown ups who also don’t need it. 

Will you remember me as the chef of the house when you are grown up? I doubt it but if you even had one thing (not including eggs or kraft dinner) that you are all like, oh my mom makes the best _____, I will keep trying out random recipes until the cows come home. 

Oh, and here’s a lesson: when your dad (who IS the chef of the house) asks you if you want to learn how to make something, say yes. Learning to cook while a tiny little peanut face is begging you to come play robot is NOT FUN. I’d always rather play robot. 

xo

Mom

November 4, 2016

Dear Baby,

One thing I have been dreading is the day that I have been told is inevitable where you will fall in love with dad and mom will be an afterthought. Mom’s of little girls have told me to beware and beware I have. 

This is why I can’t help but take emence pleasure in your recent obsession with “mama.”

Fact: I think you just like saying the word. 

Fiction: I hear you say “mama” and I assume you want me and only me to do everything with and for you and that you hail me as your one and only. 

Delusional? Maybe. Hopeful? Definitely. 

Because Baby, your love and adoration is all I can ask for. I birthed you, raised you and fed you and now to hear those sweet 2 syllables with the offering of a juicy kiss is the greatest thank you ever. 

Please like me for always. I will try so hard to be the awesome mom you want but if I fail, give me some slack. I can’t even fucking express enough how much I want us to just be happy and love each other the way we do right now forever. 

But also, can you stay as amazingly cute and precious? That will help.

Let’s freeze time, ok?

Seriously. Be nice to your “mama” because she loves you like no one in the world can. 

That is all. 

xo

Mama

November 1, 2016

Well, the time has come and we are here at the point of your new one nap life. I can hardly complain as this came about because you were sleeping in too late every morning to have a proper morning nap. No parent can complain about a kid that sleeps in. 

No parent can complain when sleep in means 8:30-9am. Ok, unicorn baby. You win. You’re awesome. 

So new life is a crazy every day sleep in and then a full fun morning together with a long afternoon nap. This is life I can get behind. 

Not only do I sleep more than a teenager, I also get SO MUCH time to spend with you which is just my favourite thing in the entire planet. Winning. 

Baby, like your parents and some grandparents, I hope you always sleep as gorgeously as you do now. The ability to sleep is a fucking superpower and you should be thrilled that you got it. Better than x-ray vision? I should say so. 

So sweet dreams my little baby. We have a big full day again tomorrow so rest up. 

xo

Mom

October 25, 2016

Dear Baby,

Where have I been for the past 10 days? Oh, just dealing with cold-ma-geddon up in this house. You and I have been sick sick sick and it has been shit shit shit. 

I think that I started it (via your Zaidy M aka patient zero) so I’m really sorry because it has been fucking brutal. At the onset, I was totally out of commission for 2 full days with another 3 days of semi functionality. For 48 hours I could not do anything but drink tea and sleep. 

I hope that you don’t have a ton of experience with adult fevers becauseguess what? They are horrible. 

And of course, without fail as I recovered you spiralled down the cold ramp. You’ve now been dubbed Mrs. Booger Face for a grand total of 6 days. It’s cute but also super gross. 

The good news is that you have been happy, funny and business as usual. The bad news is that your dads been on a temperature taking binge again. Kidding. The bad news is obviously that you are sick. 

There is really no lesson to be had here. Just don’t get sick. It is so shit. 

Love you. 

xo

Mom

October 18, 2016

Dear Baby,

I vehemently reject calling you by Months now that you are a year old. I think there is nothing more annoying than a person calling their kid “18 months.” Like, really? Oh, you mean a year and a half? 

When people ask me your age now I say one year. Only if they ask for the nonesense and minutia of months would I indulge them in the “13 months.”

It’s like when you are pregnant and telling random people how many weeks you are. Like, no one except another pregnant person would ever know that shit. 4 months is so much more clear than 16 weeks. 

But, for the purpose of this blog, we will continue our monthly roundup because I think it’s cool to see what happens to you every 4 weeks and it’s all for you anyways so I doubt you will find it annoying in the same way as some mom telling you their kid is 14.5 months. Right?

A couple things to note about you being just over a year:

1. You go to sleep different. Up to now there has always been a very specific way you go to sleep. There is the bedtime routine and then you would fall asleep in my arms before I gently transferred you to your crib. This was fine but also a very lengthy and arduous process. To my delight, at a year something changed and now we do bedtime routine, a quick cuddle and you go to your crib awake and just fall asleep. It’s quite amazing. I haven’t watched Jeopardy in a year and now, well, 730 is my prime time. 

2. You stand. A lot. It’s amazing. Last week you began taking very tentative and small steps. You still haven’t taken more than 3 and will only do it into my arms where you inevitably collapse laughing but still, that’s as close to waking as we could get for now. 

3. You communicate. I have always been very tuned into your needs but now with noises and motions, you can actually tell me things. I know what you want and how you feel because you are sharing it. You have a noise that means yes and a face that means cuddles. You also have fucking mastered no. Glad I taught you that one. 

4. Your sense of humour continues to emerge. There is no doubt that you are going to be trouble. You take so much pleasure in making people laugh that it is inevitable that you will be the class clown. I can’t say I am surprised or upset about it. It’s a seemingly natural part of you and Baby, you really are funny. Not in a “I’m your mom and you are good at everything” way. No. you are really funny. 

Basically I love you tremendously and am just fucking obsessed with you. 

Happy 13 months, Baby. 

xo

Mom

October 15, 2016

Dear Baby,

Today was your cousin’s birthday party and we celebrated at a place called “Pawsitivly Pets” where they have all these pets that they introduce to the kids and let them pet. 

Based on your reaction to the farm we took you to this summer, we didn’t have high hopes for you. 

We assumed that you would be true to you “scared of anything with eyes” (except, wonderously, your 60 pound beast of a dog.)

To our delight you seem to have overcome that fear. You pet the bunny, the lizard and the snake they presented to you without any trepidation. Then you came home and willingly played with your puppet. Huzzah!

I was so proud of you. 

I totally get being scared of shit. I’m scared of basically everything that is a bug and most things that fly including but not limited to butterflies. Fear is a very real and very (ironically?) scary emotion. But we are only growing and changing when we can face fears and overcome obstacles. 

I mean, I might be reading too much into it since you are a baby still but it seemed like your curiosity got thenbetter of fear and allowed you to try something that made you nervous. 

And sure, it would have been ideal if you didn’t pet a snake and then immediately stick your thumb in your mouth but big steps call for a little self soothing so you go ahead and eat that snake residue. No biggie.

And I think that I can leave you with this: I hope that you will always stand in the face of your fears as you did today with those pets. No matter how scary something can be, the best thing you can ever do is try- just try- to reach out and give it a little tap (I DON’T MEAN THAT LITERALLY. DO NOT TAP THINGS THAT SCARE YOU.)

But do try and face your fears and always look to be testing your limits. 

It’s a cool thing to watch. Trust me. 

Love you my little snakey girl. 

xo

Mom

October 12, 2016

Dear Baby,

Today is Yom Kippur- a day that had I not been home and in bed with some kind of flu-cold hybrid would have been spent reflecting and repenting on the year that has passed. This day of atonement offers us a chance to start the new year fresh from the sins of the one passed. 

Most years, I apologize a lot for overindulging, for not quitting smoking, for talking shit about people for my own amusement and being a bit of a bitch. 

This year, I don’t know that I have those things to repent. I haven’t over indulged in years now (mainly because I can’t stay awake after 2 glasses of wine- hello), I’ve long quit smoking, I haven’t said a word about anyone behind their backs that I wouldn’t say to their faces happily and I don’t really feel like much of a bitch. 

I probably have you to thank. 

This doesn’t make me a perfect person, mind you. I still think super judgemental things about other people- being a parent has made that much more lenient and extreme at the same time. 

I still compare myself brutally to others wishing I was a whole slew of attributes that don’t matter. 

I still give myself a really hard time for everything and suffer from a lot of anxiety that I tuck away. 

And this year, in an attempt to be honest with myself, I won’t say that I will not indulge in these thoughts- I will. I can only vow to try and spin them in a more productive and meaningful way. 

So while I judge I can also try to be empathetic and think kinder thoughts. I can try to temper my judgements with a compliment or understanding comment and I know FOR SURE that someone is out there judgeing me too. 

Having a little girl, the one thing I can refuse to indulge in anymore is judgements about weight or looks or clothes and in fact, if you talk about any of them too much, I will judge you. We are all too old and too busy to give a fuck about a muffin top or whether we have cool tops. Our kids deserve a lot better than that. 

I will compare myself to those around me but I can try to use it as a motivator to be a better human. Instead of wishing I had so and so’s body or so and so’s house or so and so’s wardrobe, I will set myself beside people who have incredible ethics and phenomenal brains and gorgeous family values. I will compare myself to people whose kindness emanates from them and who have good hearts. I will compare myself to great people because it will make me strive to be more like them. 

I am probably always going to give myself a hard time. It’s a part of who I am. But maybe for every time I am hard on myself, I can offer myself some love and kindness. A moment of compassion. A hug, a good thought or a fucking bar of chocolate. Whatever. 

My point is, Baby that all the attributes we have- the good and the bad are all the yins and yangs that form our person. There are always two sides to every facet of our being and to only indulge in one side is a true mistake. We are multi dimensional people and only when we open up, flourish and grow can we truly make a new year- well, new. 

You have changed me profoundly and I am ever grateful but I would be a poor example to you if I wasn’t willing to change myself (or at least work bit by bit and year by year.) I am certainly not perfect and neither are you (although you are always perfect to me) but I am forever willing to work on me and help you work on you. 

Happy new year- to a year of more kindness, more light and more love. Less bullshit. 

xo

Mom

October 4, 2016

Dear Baby,

Yesterday marked the Jewish New Year. Unlike years past we really stepped away from the celebration both familial and religious because getting to places on time with a baby is fucking chaos. 

Our usual 2 nights of dinners were turned into one night where we put you to sleep at your grandparents house so we could stay until the raging hour of 9pm and actually eat and the next night you dad and I warmed up leftovers in the microwave. It was pretty spiritual. 

While I have so many personal and spiritual issues with synagogue, I have up to now at the very least attended. This year we arrived at 11:36 perfectly in time to miss the bulk of everything only to leave 14 minutes later. Nothing says a holy connection like a ghost exit from the sanctuary. 

All this being said, I think that the Jewish New Year really taps into an appropriate time to ring in something new. The fall, the start of school that still impacts me 10 years out of school, the change of the physical landscape around us and the marked end to a summer vacation that we all experience. Days are shorter and more crisp and we have this opportunity for new beginning and reflection. 

Way better than January where everything is grey and shitty and you are still coming down from a total food coma/ sugar shock that is “the holidays.” Its like now that you have gained 5 pounds, let’s put on something dressy and forget how shitty the weather is until you have to get home in said shit weather and then you wake up and the next day is still grey and gross and your now hungover from champagne and a months worth of cheese 

And this new year I can’t help but think about all the change we have and are going through. You are one and your dad and I have had some marked moments too. I am back to working. He is working longer and harder than ever before and you are just exploding with new developments and wonders on the daily. We know that this will be a huge year for growth. You will eventually walk and talk and learn more about the world around you. 

But ch-ch-change is a good thing (I hope) and it’s inevitable so we might as well get on board the new year train. 

And that’s the thing, Baby, if you can embrace change, good. It’s scary, it’s intimidating and it’s uncharted but it is also magnificent and exciting and a time for you to shed some of the old and embrace a bit of the new. 

So cheers to a sweet sweet new year. 

xo

Mom

September 30, 2016

Dear Baby,

In my past life, I would have spent today visiting the new Uniqlo storey hat just opened downtown to buy some cheap yet awesome jeans. In this life we went to a “baby drumming class.” Basically the same in terms of coolness and fun for me. 

What can I tell you about baby drumming? It was pretty awful. I’m just going to say that if you don’t like kids, don’t teach a baby drumming class. The instructor had the personality of a baby hating mop. When you curiously picked up her music sheet I thought she was going to smack you in the head. 

The drums themselves are truly precious instruments. You can’t sit on them, you can’t stand up with them, you can’t drink near them and you MUST follow a beat.  Well, you kids are one. One. Can you follow a beat? Yesterday you flung a diaper of poo at your own head so- a full drum beat might be slightly beyond your scope of talents. 

Also precious drums, babies are so messy. If you can’t take the mess, get out of the baby class. Amiright?

The good news is that your friends are in the class and you get to hang with them. The bad news is that if you make too much noise or move too far away from me I’m pretty sure the teacher is going to turn into a demon monster and bite your fucking head off. 

Here’s some advice in lieu of that. Don’t work in a field where you hate your life. Everyone can tell when someone is miserable and you will suck at your job. Try and find something that at the very least, you can bear doing. You’ll be way better off (and a lot less terrifying.)

xo

Mom

September 27, 2016

Dear Baby,

We are a bit late to the “age appropriate” you game and months after we should have, we finally got you a super sweet walker. It’s hilarious and not too dissimilar to the kinds of walkers that old ladies use making it even funnier. Because we have sick senses of humour over here. 

Well lo and behold, has walker- will walk. 

You took that thing all around the house. Granted our house front to back isn’t very long but you marched those little legs back and forth. It must have been exhausting. 

Watching your determined little face as you moved across the floor made me think that at its core, this attempt to walk can serve you in a million other facets of your life. 

Because walking (for you, right now) is really challenging. You have to balance, hold yourself up, move and watch where you are going. 

This is one of the first of many challenges that will come your way. Some will be much greater than walking. 

But in the face of any challenge you can always come back to this: the first step is just putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. (Unless the challenge is a backwards challenge. In that case forget everything I am saying.)

Anything that seems daunting can be achieved by just trying and setting the wheels in motion to get it done. 

One day you will be walking sans old lady walker, flying around this house and will forget all about how hard it was to take those first steps. Walking will seem rudamentry and second nature. But like everything, you had to start somewhere and I’ll be there every step of the way to remind you how you nailed the challenge of walking by just putting one foot in front of the other. 

xo

Mom