May 8, 2016

Dear Baby,

Mother’s Day is winding down and night is here. I’m writing you this sitting in your room holding you and trying to get you to sleep… for the third time tonight. 

This is the truth about being a mom. There are flowers and brushes and chocolate chip cookies from Epi but nothing is more “mom” then dealing with a overtired baby who won’t sleep on your “special day.”

At the end if the day – any day – even Mother’s Day you are just that, a mom and for better or worse it’s a job that gives no fucks at all what day it is. 

There are no holidays or breaks and no awards for being patient and letting your baby fall asleep on you before quietly trying to transfer them to the crib but missing the mark and having to repeat it again.

There is no reason that any day should be different than the others- birthdays, constructed Hallmark holidays. They may all be wonderful or awful depending on how things unfold. 

This means that every day is special and unspecial all in one. It makes the job of being you a very hard one but a very great one and it takes he romance out of these bullshit days that are meant to make people feel good but usually make them feel bad. 

The lesson is this: celebrate being you and the jobs you have every day. One day will be more glamorous than the next but every day you are just killing it by being yourself, getting up and doing you. Life is both SO FUN and so not fun and while rocking a cranky baby to sleep for the bagillionth time is a less fun moment, making her laugh by dancing her around the room to Snoop Dogg makes up for it in strides.

In the meantime, it’s wine-o-clock. Wait, I mean grape juice. Yes… grape juice. 

xo

Mom

May 8, 2016

Dear Baby,

Today is Mother’s Day and I get to spend the day surrounded by family celebrating being a mom and having a mom and all the other moms I have known in this life or gone from it. 

I once saw this great commercial about “the sisterhood of motherhood” and didn’t really understand it until recently. I was at the doctors office for a check up and sitting in the waiting room with you and a perfect stranger and we got to talking about you and her grown kids and it’s like you just don’t have to explain yourself- she got me. 

But then I got to thinking about what would have happened if I hadn’t been able to have you. Would I be a leper from this exclusive club? The answer is no because the true celebration isn’t being a mom but being a woman and part of a long generational chain of women who fucking kick ass.

Even though today is about mothers, to me it is about celebrating a long line of the women I know who have or don’t have mothers and are or are not mothers. Womanhood is the best club and we are all pretty magical today and everyday. 

I feel really lucky that for me, I get to celebrate being with you and how fucking crazy lucky I feel every minute to have you. 

So baby, there is no lesson today because today I celebrate you as my daughter and fellow member of the ladies only club. Whether you feel it or not, take the time to celebrate the great women you know because being a woman is damn hard but so damn good. 

In the meantime, I love being your mom. 

xo

Mom

May 4, 2016

Dear Baby,

From the time you were very small to now when you are less small but still small I have been a huge advocate of wearing you. In the beginning it was about comfort and ease. Now it is about the experience. Always it has been about what I think must be the happiest place for you to chill. On me. 

When we first brought you home and you were the most precious cargo, I literally couldn’t put you down. Wearing you was the only way I could eat, move or perform any basic function while still carrying you. I wore you when you were fussy to cam you down, I wore you to sleep, I wore you to walk. You were on my person for a huge part of the first 3 months. 

Then, you got bigger and started sleeping. Gone were those manic nights of newborn ness when we would spend 6pm to 11pm keeping you from being a total snake. No more squats and bouncing and cluster feeding and carrying. You were a self sufficient lady doing your own thing. 

That’s when wearing you became less for function and more for fun. 

We wear you for walks, we wore you all through Israel, we wear you when we go for food. It’s all about letting you see the world and literally hang out in it. 

Sure, there is the comfort of your stroller. You lay nestled in plush padding and a blanket shielded from the sun and the vibrations of the pavement massaging your back. I don’t have a 12 pound weight hanging off of my body causing me to sweat like a fucking pig everywhere I walk to. And I get the handy stroller storage which means I can bring anything I want for the journey. 

But the look on your face as we walk down streets and you see and hear new things is well worth the price of admission. I would take a lifetime of backaches to watch you be so thrilled with the world around you. I am obsessed with how you hold out your tiny hands to feel the air around you and how you look around at everything taking it all in. 

The lesson is this: sometimes we have to get out of our comfort zone to really experience new things. Comfort is great and there are days a plenty when I throw you into the bucket and we head out but staring at me and the scenery behind me isn’t quite the same as getting your own full perspective. 

Onviosuly not as comfortable as walking with nothing on you, wearing you is totally out of my physical comfort zone but, as I mentioned, THE BEST THING FOR YOU. EVER. 

And I think by now you must know that I do anything for you. 

But taking both of us out of our comfort zone has provided a new perspective and let us learn new things and I hope for a million more times that we can step out of the usual together and find excitement in the new and different. I hope you always do it with or without me to help you too. 

In the meantime, today looks like a shitty day and I have yet to find a solution for when it rains. Can we just have nice weather already??? Wtf. 

xo

Mom

May 2, 2016

Dear Baby,

This morning we had another doctors appointment to check on your weight. So far you have been on the up and up (although nowhere near the curve, whatever that means) and so we were pretty optimistic about your weigh in. The mount of food you eat coupled with your tiny but yet chunky thighs (ug sorry. Who wants to hear about chunk thighs as an adult. No one. But as a baby I assure you they are great- oh and sorry about the cellulite gene. It came from me) are proof that you are growing. 

You love food so much that you try and eat everything. As I type this you are in your crib gnawing on a rail. You would eat that rail of you could. 

The appointment was another success and you are now a whopping 12.2 pounds. The smallest amount to weigh on the curve would be 12.8 so although you are wee, you are not too far off from being “normally” wee. 

To celebrate, we unpacked some of your 3-6 month clothes and packed up a few of your 0-3 month ones. Sure, you don’t quite fit into the new batch yet but the next size (3-6) begins around 12.5 pounds so I am feeling confident that you will fill those bottoms out sometime soon. 

What’s nice is that you got about 7 months of size 0. So to anyone who told me to stop buying clothing for you because you would just grow out of it, ha.

So the plan is to keep feeding you all the foods and watching you grow and thrive. 

Lesson: there is a solution to most problems. Giving you more food and a bit of formula turned a bad situation into a good one and now everybody is happy. When you come across something hard in life, try and find a few solutions and run with them. It can be hard work (or expensive grocery bills) but it is always worth getting to the root of a problem before it grows (or doesn’t grow, in your case). 

In the meantime, off to unpack today’s haul. Sweet potato pancakes here we come.

xo

Mom

May 1, 2016

Dear Baby,

I have a confession that I never thought I would make: I like being home alone every so often. Your dad went to the basketball game tonight and I relished in my time. There was nothing exciting happening. I worked, I read a few articles and I wrote to you so not like I had a crazy ladies night in but still. 

If you had asked me pre- you to stay home alone I would have acquiesced reluctantly and spent the majority of the night being irrationally scared and paranoid but post- you, it’s just not the same. 

Maybe once you’ve heard a baby wail in the night you know that there are few things scarier than said baby waking up and doing said wailing. Hard to be worried that I might see a spider or a centi when I’m trying to make sure you stay soundly asleep. Priorities.

Plus, I spend my day (SO HAPPILY) attached to you. We are together all day, every day and then your dad gets home and he’s there too. We like to spend time together so once you go to bed we usually hang out until our bedtime and then a whole 12 hours has gone by and the only time I have spent alone (maybe) is the bathroom. 

It’s a bit refreshing to do whatever the fuck I want. 

Tonight I had 3 bowls of popcorn for dinner, took a super long shower, did a mud mask and the aforementioned work and reading. I even farted at will. It was spectacular. I’ve been in shitty pyjamas since 7:30 and I give zero fucks. 

Baby, you will be so lucky if you find yourself a family that you love as much as I love you and your dad but no matter what, it is really important to take time for yourself too. 

I really want you to enjoy your own company and be comfortable me happy to be alone sometimes. It is really wonderful to feel fulfilled and content after a night alone and I want you to always have that. 

You are the best and I hope you love your own company as much as I love it. 

In the meantime, your dad is on his way home, we won the basketball game and  it is time to get ready for bed. 

xo

Mom

April 30, 2016

Dear Baby,

This weekend was great. Your dad and I went out on Friday night so Saturday morning was a bit slow (I have also been fighting a cold so I was even slower). 

We all went to the market, saw some friends, relaxed and then went to the park to play. Guess what? You went on your first swing ride! Guess what else? It was awesome!

By the time you read this you probably won’t have been in a playground for a while and days of carefree play will be memories. Before Saturday I can’t remember the last time I sat on a swing and played myself. It’s one of the many things we obsess over as kids and then forget as adults. Like Lite Brite and forts (slash can’t wait to build forts again).

Your tiny legs barely fit into the baby swing but we got you in and gave you a push and you just loved it. I mean, how could you not??? Swings are the best. 

You won’t remember doing it but I will never forget watching you do it. I’m sure that I was way more excited than you but I also sure that will change over time. 

It’s really such an awesome thing to watch you do things for the very first time. I have no doubt that we will be all over tons of playground equipment in our tie together and yet this was our first. Your first. 

So here is my lesson to you today. Don’t forget to play like a kid here and there. Your little blissed out face while swinging and the fun we had with you is bar- none. There is actually nothing on the planet like it. Fun for the sake of fun. 

Life gets super hard and complicated (also great and exciting) and you will feel weighted if you can’t let loose once in a while. Colour a picture, spend time on a puzzle, take a second to hop on a swing- do something to let go and free your mind. 

In the meantime, I’ll be counting down the seconds until we can do it again.

xo

Mom

April 29, 2016

This morning during you very predictable morning nap you scratched yourself awake. If I had only cut your talon nails when I was supposed to then you wouldn’t have clawed yourself, had a sad scratch on your nose and awoken in a way that no one wants to- in pain. Bad mom. 

Your regular hour plus nap was a mere 25 minutes and I was sorry and scared. I tried to put you back down and you slept for another 10 minutes before you awoke again rearing to go. We went to Costco. 

Was that the best call? The pros are; I love Costco, we got a Vitamix (you are welcome), and we got to hang out with your Bubby. Cons; you fell asleep in the car. 

I had negotiated in my mind that should you fall asleep in the car I would simply drive aimlessly for an hour and let you have a proper sleep. You woke up after 25 minutes. I was sorry and I was scared. 

In my mind you would melt down and turn into a tiny devil. You would cry inconsolably or I would not be able to get you to bed as a result of poor sleep. We had plans to go out and leave you asleep at home with your grandparents and I had a million scenarios in my head that kept me biting my nails all afternoon long. 

The end result was unsurprisingly nothing. The day ended as it usually ends, you slept as you usually sleep and everything was just fine.

Another reminder about the importance of expectations and managing them. I spent so much time worrying about how it would be that I missed a bit of how it was. 

Try and keep your expectations in check and not doomsday every little thing. You may be disappointed or you may be pleasantly surprised but either way at least you mitigate the stress of over thinking.

In the meantime, we ended up going out Friday and I am still tired from it. Mom life. So hip. 

xo

Mom

April 27, 2016

Dear Baby,

Style. You got it. As your primary fashion decision maker, I take my job really seriously and whether you are rocking head to toe polka dots or trying a hipster chic outfit complete with mandatory cool bandana, you are one seriously stylish lass. 

Sure, one day you will hate the things I choose for you and die of embarrassment when I suggest a “cool” pink top but for now you are at my satirical whim and I LOVE IT. 

And let’s be honest, will you really look back and cringe at your super fucking amazing outfits? I really hope not. 

So while you leave the house every day looking like a rockstar, I can’t claim to be your best accessory. In fact, I know I’m taking our cool factor down a level because….

IT IS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO DRESS YOURSELF AFTER HAVING A BABY. 

Ladies, are you with me?

Here’s the four pronged problem. 

1. It’s been a long time since I bought clothes that were cool. Maternity clothing is never cool no matter what designer makes it and since getting pregnant, it’s been 15 months of scant style. Before getting pregnant, my go-to look was shabby boho chic ish. Meaning long flowy tops with an “I don’t give a fuck and maybe just rolled out of bed and just look this good first thing in the morning without trying (but also trying pretty hard)” vibe.

Now because I am always tired and actually coming straight out of bed, this look went from amazing to a literal hot mess. I don’t seem to need any help looking shabby or careless these days. 

2. On the flip side, my body is all kinds of different and tight clothes make me look a bit too much like a chicken McNugget for my taste. Having boobs is a straight up mind- fuck. Everything looks different and while trying to wear a top that is tight enough to look out together, loose enough to hide my new extra skin stuff and easy enough to nurse in (oh, and also crappy enough to throw out should a poop or barf explosion hit), I am left with a limited availability. 

3. Finally, I know that I am a new version of me but I can’t wrap my head around who that person is- clothing wise. I have always centred around a personal style but now my personal style is unidentifiable. Example. I bought a rainbow coloured Mexican blanket style dress with pom poms (which I promptly returned because what the fuck was I thinking), a shirt dress, a baggy t shirt with holes, a pair of sleek trousers and a linen blouse. What does that shopping bag of items have in common? A skewed sense of purpose is what. It’s now all back where it belongs, returned to the atored from whence it came. 

4. At the root of it all, I just want to be comfortable and cute. I have an incision on my pubic line that is numb and painful at the same time, I have boobs that still are trying to figure themselves out, I’m nursing on the go and I am carrying a 12 pound weight at all times that finds it fun to pull on things. So while tight jeans seem like they would be fun- spoiler alert: no. 

Babe, I’ve succumbed to leggings, my number one nemesis. I have even uttered the phrase “fancy leggings” in the past week. My prenatal self just barfed. 

But I’ll be damned if a pair of lulus aren’t WAY more comfortable than stuffing my ass into jeans. 

So the lesson? Fashion is fleeting, comfort is crucial and enjoy clothing and crazy trends in your life. Don’t beat yourself up when you lose your style and don’t be mean about mom jeans. If I could wear low rise skinnies with crop tops, I would. 

In the meantime, sweatpants are acceptable for a Wednesday afternoon outing- right?? (Barf)

xo

Mom

April 25, 2016

Dear Baby,

I’m such a jerk because I totally forgot to write to you on the 18th. My bad. Blame it on the jet lag. 

So here we are at 7 months and Baby, it’s pretty terrific. When moms I know say it only gets better and better, I think they are right. Every stage and every step gets better and just when I think I can’t love you any more, I go ahead and love you a thousand times more the next day. It’s crazy. 

So what are you like at 7 months? 

You are super active. You move a lot and do a lot. You are always busy with something or other. 

You are curious- especially about people and faces. You love to look at the world around you. When we carry you in the baby Bjorne you hold out your hands like you want to feel the world around you. 

If I haven’t told you this already, you LOVE TO EAT. I mean, really really really love it. Each meal begins with you panting and drooling at the sight of food and ends with you covered in it. The good news is that you are a really solid eater and you will try anything and love almost everything (the exception is plain yogurt which is so crazy because I buy you this full fat yogurt that basically tastes like cream but never mind). 

You have a really good sense of humour and you love games that take a bit of anticipation. Like peek a boo or variations of it. I love making you laugh and we laugh a lot. 

You stand, you sit, you roll and you are about 5 seconds away from crawling. 

What really strikes me about this age is that you are more than halfway to a year old. I can’t believe how fast time went and how the days of you as a newborn seem so long ago. 

A friend of mine is newly pregnant and asking questions about the first months and I have a hard time remembering the days and nights when you didn’t sleep or have a routine, when everything made me cry, when I listened to the life saving but soul sucking Harvey Karp cd over and over again to get you to sleep. When we slept together to the sound of “old rattling air conditioner unit” and when my boobs felt like they would actually just fall off from pain.

At this point, I hate the idea of leaving you because we have so much fun together. There was a time not too long ago when a shower and nap was my salvation.

So just a reminder and less a lesson to savor the moment. When people say that it passes by WAY TO FAST, don’t disregard them just because in the present every hour feels like an eternity. For better or worse you will forget those nuances that coloured your experience. 

In the meantime, happy 7 months to you, my love. Now please slow down time. 

xo

Mom

April 24, 2016

Dear Baby,

Well it’s official. You have said a first word and even though you have no idea that you said it and it is really more of a first sound than a first word, it is “dada.”

Dada. 

Break my fucking heart, Baby. How hard would a “mama” have been?

Watching you learn language is a totally amazing thing. It started a while ago but then this past little while you have really been babbling and working on shapes with your mouth. You watch us intently, mimic our movements and work really hard to make funny sounds.

Last week you learned to make raspberries which is delightful and hilarious.

I hope that the words come flowing out from here on in and that this noise is the first of many as you develope and refine language. 

But, be careful with your words, Baby. Words are a very powerful tool that can be used for good and for evil. The things you say are very important so always make sure to say things with thought and purpose. 

People who speak just for the sake of speaking are super lame. 

I know that you won’t always know what it is you are saying or how impactful it can be but try your best to be mindful about the words you choose. 

In the meantime, I’m going to cry in the corner until you learn how to say “mama.” KIDDING. By the time you say mama, you will not just be babbling sounds. Plus, I’m happy to hear you any little thing that you can. 

#obsessed. 

xo

Mom