August 15, 2017

Dear Babies,

Guys, I have to tell you both that you each tortured me in different ways when I attempted to breastfeed you. I have always thought it crazy that something that is supposedly so “natural” could be so fucking painful and awful but nonetheless, I gave it a go.

In fact Babies, because of how bad my first time was, it became my number one fear for number 2 baby. I could live with having my stomach cut open (potentially- or vag in reality), I could live without sleep and I could live with all the barf and poospolsions that a second baby could reintroduce to my life. I could not even think about the nipple pain that would surely come too. To me, it was almost a reason to never procreate again.

So, when the pain began I was not surprised but definitely horrified to have it.

Fuck this fucking shit.

Nipples should never experience a blister. They just shouldn’t. It’s gross and it’s not humane. Want to torture people? Have them breastfeed a screaming baby with a strong suck and blistered boobs. Then you know pain.

Anywho, after what I went through with my first round of breastfeeding – having tried for way too long with no supplements and also no successes I was not prepared to do it again. The dreaded formula that I had shunned with the first seemed a viable solution to the second and so with little hesitation, I bought some, called a doula and gave myself 48 hours to sort my shit out before I officially broke up with breastfeeding forever.

The honest honest truth: I was a little bit excited about the idea that my breastfeeding journey would be over. I miss my small boobs (literally have NO idea what people with big boobs do to keep these puppies under wraps. Like, everything shows cleavage and I am a bit of a Mormon in my attire), I want to drink some wine (and yes, I know you can have some wine when you nurse but I want to have ALL THE WINE), and in theory, I would even like to smoke a cigarette although the smell and real thought of it makes me kind of sick.

I was almost a tiny bit hoping that the doula would say I was a lost cause. Spoiler alert: she didn’t.

Instead she took a look at me and a look at the baby and gave her diagnosis. A tongue tie that would prevent you from ever properly latching. With this came a ready solution. Clip the tongue tie.

Within 24 hours your tongue was cut and within 48 hours my boobs were healed and within a week I forgot how terrible it had all been and now, 3 weeks later it feels like a distant memory.

Now instead of a living nightmare, nursing you has become a chill time where I can sit alone and do things like write to you about nursing.

I don’t know what the main message is here. Call a doula when in doubt? Try everything you can to fix problems? Maybe that things that seem horrible and insurmountable at the time won’t feel that way forever.

Either way, let’s all keep this train moving forward pain free and now maybe with a little more sleep?

xo

Mom