June 1, 2017
I’m going to be honest, it’s been hard trying tot think about what I would really want to say to you right now. It’s nothing you’ve done and perhaps the very opposite it’s all the amazing things you are doing that are making it hard for me to communicate right now.
So, with the end of May, your nanny began coming 4 times a week. This is the first part of it. I love her, I really do. She is warm and sweet and she loves you and is a pleasure to have but I have never felt more useless and idle in my whole life. Filling my days is easy – there is a ton of shit to get done and I still have been picking up work and meetings here and there. But the days of filling OUR time are leaving me and I really miss you. We have not spent a full day together in a long time and even on the ones where we spend a chunk of the day together, because of how pregnant I am, I can’t do as much as I would want to.
I took you to a class last the other week and could barely keep up. I almost died carrying you up the 2 flights of stairs and I honestly didn’t have the energy to get up and down the million times I did. I must have seemed like such a shitty mom to everyone watching me huff and puff my way around after you.
The second part is that I am having a really hard time going to grips with the changes that are about to happen to us. Your dad has been giving you baths these days since it is pretty impossible for me to bend over our tub with my growing belly and tonight, from downstairs I heard you guys laughing – like really laughing together. The kind of laughing we do. I really and truly and honestly want you to love your dad and have the most profound and special relationship with him but this moment you guys shared just reminded me of all the moments that I’m going to miss with you while I care for the baby to be.
And then I feel guilty that I feel sad about it because I want this baby. I love this baby. I shouldn’t be sad to be spending time caring for and nurturing this baby. But you are all I know right now and we have been such best friends up to this point and the idea of that shifting in any way for any reason breaks my heart.
So I’m at a bit of a loss because amid al the wonderful things going on with you that I could be telling you about, there is an umbrella of these hard feelings that colour each moment.
What I should tell you is how you have developed this new and funny sleeping habit of wanting to see your star machine play coerful star and moon images on your ceiling every night before bed. It’s the worst machine and the very worst part of it is that it has a sound option where it plays a horrible loud and piercing version of twinkle twinkle which you are obsessed with. How you fall asleep to that noise is beyond me but in your newfound love for this machine you have asked me to stop singing to you. “No Peanut, No Hallelu” (I made up a version of Sweet Baby James for you that starts with “there is a young peanut” and Halleu is Hallelujah). Gone are my lullabies and now we get to listen to a god solid 10 minutes of screeching twinkle twinkle through the monitor. Bedtime got much shorter as a result but possibly less sweet?
I should tell you how you suddenly have even more words and sentences and isms. My favourite at the moment is when you say “no____, just_____” like for example, the vacuum. You hate the vacuum – why? so anytime the vacuum gets mentioned (which it seems to a lot, oddly) you say “no vacuum, just sweep.”
No Hallelu, just twinkle twinkle.
I should tell you how fearless you have been at the park and how you love going down the biggest slides you can climb on.
I should tell you how much we laugh at made up words like Purpela and Samonama.
I should tell you how much fun it is to chase after you in a field when you laugh and run the other way just to be funny.
I should tell you how amazing it is to feel this baby kicking while I read to you every day.
I should tell you how so much of my excitement in this process is the anticipation of watching you be a sister.
Instead I’ll just tell you that I love you and I hope you don’t forget about me and how much fun we have together when I can’t be around as much as I am now which already doesn’t feel like enough.