June 27, 2017

Dear Baby,

It’s been over a week since I birthed and brought home your baby sister and I can safely say this: having a newborn for a second time is easy. The things you thought you forgot, you remember and the things you don’t remember, you figure out. 

Recovering is hard. Your body and brain play this funny game where they erase the memories of your recovery of past and you actually forget how shit it is to be in such long pain. Mind you, this time around was a very different experience for me as I had you via c section and your sister via the vag. Frankly, I don’t know what’s worse. I haven’t sat comfortably in a week and I’m terrified to even think about what down there looks like. I sneezed once this week and simultaneously peed myself and almost cried in pain. It’s been a blast. 

But harder than my poor mangled vag and the initial growing pains of nursing (which are way better round two), is the way I get to be with you, my baby. 

Missing you is a fucking understatement. 

Yes, you are so lucky to have an amazing father who has been taking you out and about, a great nanny who genuinely loves you and grandparents who are super helpful but none of them are you and me, baby. 

Every single time I can’t do something with you- which is often, I feel like I’m being punched in the face. I don’t even know if I knew how much I looked forward to simple pleasures like taking you to the park or reading you bedtime stories until I couldn’t do them. 

I’ve had a particularly shit recovery combined with an infection and a baby who needs to be fed often because she came out jaundice so my attention has been elsewhere and my capabilities limited. And I know that you are loved and being cared for and likely will not remember this but I will. 

I can’t wait until we can catch up together and spend some quality time. 

I put you to bed tonight alone for the first time since we got home from the hospital and it was a sweet reminder of what’s coming right around the corner for us – which is time together again. 

Oh, and the weirdest part of bringing home a newborn with a toddler is that you seem like a total adult. Tonight I looked at your foot and it was like, woah. That’s a substantial foot. 

xo

Mom