Your rose ceremony

February 21, 2017

Dear Baby,

Ug, it’s so gross but I am fucking addicted to The Bachelor. In case that show doesn’t stand the rest of time- which it shouldn’t- it is a show where there is a bachelor (or bachelorette) who is “looking for love” (or fame) and they are met with like, 30 contestants who are all pretty hot, young single people. They go on a series of romantic dates- both in groups and one-on-one int he course of 8 weeks and then fall madly in love and get engaged.

To date only like, 2 couples have actually gotten married and been happy after the show. But anyways…

I LOVE this show. I don’t love TV, but this show just gets me. It’s love, scandal, betrayal and the dumbest people you will ever watch on a show ever.

But last night, it got me thinking.

So last night was the hometown dates- basically every week the bachelor kicks off a bunch of women until he is left with 2 one of whom he ultimately proposes to- aka. the winner. By hometown dates, there are only 4 contestants left and so he goes to each of their homes and meets their parents. Sometimes the parents are hilarious and add a bump of drama (pr scare the bachelor away) but more often than not they are all like “oh, you can totally marry my daughter, fucking stranger who met her on a reality TV series. No problem! We love you.”

Baby, let’s just be clear for a minute here: there is no fucking way in hell that I will ever”ok” you getting engaged to some shit who you meet on reality TV. What the fuck kind of people do this shit? Like, obviously all the girls are so ridiculous. You have to be a very specific (read: vain idiot) person to even come on the show but then for your supposed to be wiser-than you parents to be ok with it??? C’mon moms and dads. He “seems nice”???

The guy who sold me a lottery ticket at the corner Macs “seems nice”too.

This isn’t like, a new picture frame you are buying for a mantle, this is that person with whom your kid os going to spend the rest of their lives and while I am all for parents not meddling, I would suggest that a parent reserves the right to call into question a partner for their kid who has only been dating said kid for 8 weeks, not exclusively, on TV. Just saying.

So, the list of this is that you are kind of stuck with overprotective parents who are FOR SURE going to vet your future parters with a scrupulous eye and never let you be on reality TV- which hopefully will be a dead form of entertainment by your time- maybe?

Sorry in advance but if you bring home shitty people, your dad and I will casually greet them at the door in LARPING gear holding axes- just for fun.




Your rose ceremony

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