Birth Control

December 28, 2016
Dear Baby,
I basically think having a kid is the best 24/7 but there is one tiny exception which is when the mother fucking plague hits our house and we are all crazy sick and still have to be parents because parents never rest.
On Monday night your dad went out, you went to bed and I was looking forward to a night of online boxing day shopping. At 9, your dad called to say he was coming home with a stomach ache. At 9:30, I saw you sitting up ominously in your crib. At 10, he got home and you were still sitting there silently. At 10:05 he started barfing and I knew that the ominous feeling was legit. I went into your room to find you sitting up in a huge pile of barf. The room smelled like barf. It was in your hair, on your clothes, your blankets and your crib.
Your dad was sick and you were sick and I was mom-in-charge.
For 2 hours I held you while you switched from reading books to barfing all over me. Then, it hit me. You had stopped being sick and fallen asleep, you dad was on a break and my sickness began.
The rest of the night was a disgusting blur of barf. Have I said barf enough for one blog post? Probably not even close to enough to summarize what was going on. Anyways…
The night was horrible but moreso was the morning. You woke up sprite and ready to face the day and your dad and I woke up feeling like we had the worlds largest hangovers minus the fun drinking part and adding on the lack of sleep/ being old as fuck part.
This shitty feeling does not get you a “get out of parenting” card.
You still have to read books, play games, serve food and all the other good stuff that comes in a day- a true highlight was cleaning diapers and then also cleaning up the wreckage from the night from hell.
There is no time off from being a parent.
So if you ever think about having unsafe sex (which, I will fucking kill you and don’t you dare EVER do that) please keep in mind this cautionary tale. We love you, we wanted you and we would do anything for you in the whole world but there is a lot of barf involved in parenting and there is NO TIME OFF (but if you have a baby in a loving and mature way, that is ok)
Oh, and by the way- we are all fine now and back to normal. Don’t worry. We made it.
Birth Control

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