June 15, 2016

Dear Baby,

This morning I spilled some coffee grinds on the floor. It was super annoying because I was simultaneously trying to make you breakfast and discovering that we were out of coffee (less the grinds that were now on the floor). Life is not ok without coffee or as I affectionately call it- mama juice. 

I cleaned up a bit, continues the morning shuffle of making you a good breakfast, making a little something for myself too since I basically combust when I don’t eat breakfast and still engaging you with song and conversation so I don’t feel like a shit mom leaving you in the circle of neglect. 

And this is just a snapshot of life. A constant juggling act between getting shit done, keeping you fed and safe, keeping you happy and squeezing in some substance for myself to fuel the charge. Always juggling. 

So when your dad came in from walking the dog and made a whole stink about the coffee grinds on the floor (why didn’t I bust out the broom and sweep them the fuck up) it’s like hey dad, fuck off. 

I love him, I do but it’s a real struggle to have to justify doing what I do. Some of it is my own shit. I’m self conscious about my life and what I’m doing and how I’m contributing so I attach that insecurity to him and say he making me feel like I don’t do a good job. Well no one can make you feel anything so I know that I am just feeling that way. 

But on days where I get comments about the fucking coffee grinds on the floor it’s like, why don’t you do my day and tell me how easy it is to just sweep up a small mess while you have eggs frying, toast toasting a baby next to you that needs your full attention that you are already sharing with eggs and toast. Try. I dare you. 

And this is just one small moment. Try leaving the house. You pack up anything that needs to come with- what could it be? A bottle? A meal? A change of clothing? Will you be in the sun? Do you need extra diapers? Water? Snacks? Toys? Does mom need anything (haha)? The dog must get walked so are we going to pull out the stroller for the walk? Am I going to wear you in a carrier? Get the poo bags, get the leash, get the dog. Ever out on a dog leash with a baby strapped to you?

Walk, come back. Time to go. Wait. Do we need a chair for eating? Did I eat (haha)? Is there anything I am forgetting? Pack up the stroller with one hand, pack up the baby get into the car. Forgot something. Take baby out, go back in, come back out and it’s go time. 

ALL THIS JUST TO GO GET A BAG OF GROCERIES!!!!!

It’s fine- it really is. I have a routine and it works but if that is the series of events that takes place just to walk out a door then imagine anything else. 

In the meantime, dad (who is thankfully very involved) comes home at 5 and gets to give you a bottle and hang with you for a few minutes. He has never had a full day alone with you. A day alone with you is the best thing ever but a day alone with you demonstrates pretty fucking clearly why sweeping up coffee grinds the instant they fall to the floor will never be my priority. 

And that’s just it, Baby. Life is all about priorities. No matter what you do it is always a juggling act. Family, friends, school and work will always pull you in every direction. There will be conflicts in events, in desires and in commitments. It is up to you to look at your life as a whole and make the room for what is important. 

I’m not saying push things aside or under the rug but I am saying that some spilled shit on the floor can wait if your first priority is the safety and happiness of your baby. Just saying. 

In the meantime, because he is anal like that, he swept that shit up himself so now I have the time to write this blog with you asleep on me. Snore away little peanut knowing that you are always my number one priority. 

xo

Mom