March 17, 2016

Dear Baby,

Today we had your six month checkup and shots. When it came to your big weigh in I held my breath and prayed that the extra pound you needed to gain was there. It wasn’t. Baby, I am sure that by the time you read this you will be a normal sized thriving girl but as a baby you were SO TINY. 

Here, at our six month mark you weigh 10 pounds and 4 ounces and are the total size of a peanut. 

If anyone saw how much food you can pack in at mealtime they would be shocked that you are so little. I think today alone you ate; half an avocado, a cup of sweet potato, applesauce, oatmeal, rice and cod  oh, and a spoon of peanut butter in the parking lot of the doctors office. 

Nonetheless, your weight is low and the doctor gave me 3 options for you. 

1. Take a medicine called Donperidone (which sounds a lot like a sexy champagne but is just a really unsexy drug that helps produce more milk in nursing mothers). 

2. Supplement with…dum dum dum… FORMULA

3. Go for a series of “failure to thrive” tests. 

We agreed that it seems unlikely that you are not thriving based on your bowel movements alone (ug sorry Baby. Now the whole Internet knows that you were a regularly pooping baby. Embarrassing but probably not the most embarrassing thing I have ever done so, ha). 

I agreed to take the drug and give you a “top up” of formula before bed. And then I cried the whole way home. 

I have said before and I will maintain that I am not against formula. I don’t care how anyone else feeds their baby but for you, I really had wanted to nurse and I am so disappointed that for whatever reason I was unable to do that 100 percent. 

Your dad keeps telling me to look at the top up as a protein shake for babies. This would be ok if babies TRADITIONALLY DRANK PROTEIN SHAKES. Spoiler alert: they don’t. 

Anyways, the end of that part of the story is that I have to put my own feelings aside and do what is best for you so I popped the donperidone, filled up a bottle with Nestle Good Start and went for it. 

You nursed and then happily took the formula bottle, ate it all, immediately looked into my eyes upon completion and crapped and then while I was changing you, projectile spat up all over your pyjamas. 

Was it a success? That’s hard to say. 

In any event, the point is that sometimes we all could use a little help, Baby. 

Whatever it is that might help you one day as you face any number of struggles – whether they be as major as mental health or emotional issues or minor as feeling like a failure for having to supplement your babes food, don’t be scared.

The only real fails are when you are too proud or too unaware to ask and receive the help you need. 

We are always here to help you. And sorry about the crap/barf. It was as gross for me as it was for you. 

xo

Mom