If you’re looking for us, we’ll be in quarantine

February 5, 2018

Dear Babies,

Day 6 of project “don’t get stomach flu” is on and girls, the struggle is real.

We got this cheerful little email from school on Wednesday alerting us that our toddler’s entire school was in a state of “outbreak” from multiple cases of Norwalk. Outbreak!!!! I’m already wearing a hazmat suit just thinking of that word. I picture total fucking chaos with feral monkeys running around the arts and crafts table throwing their shit around while kids Lord of the Flies dance around and tear the place to shreds. Dramatic? Maybe but you can be sure that I pulled my kid the fuck out of school for the week and she has yet to go back.

Again, dramatic? Maybe, but we had Norwalk last year and it was the fucking worst thing ever. My husband almost died on the floor of our kid’s room, I was pregnant and couldn’t get up except to barf 4 zillion times and when we discovered our babe had gotten sick it was because we walked in on a scene from the exorcist but with barf. So suffice to say the trauma was real and I would be pleased as punch never to relive that experience again. Even if it means being dramatic and have both kids with me all week long.

So, ok, you’re probably all like, “but your kids are going to get sick one way or another.”

True. Avoiding the stomach flu for the rest of our lives is just a beautiful dream of mine, but I’m also not throwing them into the literal thick of it and just twirling my thumbs. If I in fact strive to not get the flu, surly my first step is to not send them to a nursery where kids constantly touch everything and never properly wash their hands (with no offence to them, their not dirty or unsanitary, they’re just kids).

And you’re probably like, “ooo, you’re going to jinx yourself and get sick anyways”

Well, fuck you. But seriously, if jinxes are a real actual thing, than yes, we will probably all get diarrhea later today.

So kids, todays’ lesson is to stay the hell away from really infectious and gross situations (if you can). There is no reason to just willy nilly expose yourself to otherwise preventable sickness. In this instance, I was already home with the baby, ready and willing to keep you home with us and I assume that since you’re 2, you’re not missing any crucial learnings. I totally get that if I was at work and couldn’t take the time, I would have no choice but girls, if you have the choice, always choose to stay away.

In the meantime, here’s hoping for an “all clear” tomorrow because it’s freezing, I’ve been entertaining you both for a week and I’m plum out of ideas.



If you’re looking for us, we’ll be in quarantine

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