To my Older Baby

September 6, 2017

Dear Baby,

It is with a certain amount of sadness, happiness, anxiety and excitement that I begin the day today knowing that it is the first day of school. when I signed the papers and began the process of school thoughts, I never really imagined myself on this day and now here I am, packing your little backpack and about to lose my fucking shit.

With the newest addition to our family, things haven’t been the same but we have, nonetheless, managed to stay close and do things together. We have had time to spend and our day to day has been somewhat intact with the most notable difference of my boobs being out for a lot of it. But as of today, you begin a very small step towards your independence and not to “sunrise/ sunset” this shit but is this the little girl I carried????

Beginning today, for 3 mornings per week I will be walking you to school and then leaving you there for 3 hours in the care of people who, as of today, are total fucking strangers. My only saving grace here is that I will be in your class helping out one day per week – which happens to be today.

Truly, in my sadness and feelings of loneliness and missing you, I am so proud to be the mom of a kid who I am sending to class knowing that you will thrive and love it. You are so independent already and your love of others and love of learning is exactly why I wanted all of this for you in the first place. I feel excited to see what you will come home with knowing and what new cool things we can learn together.

I’m excited to meet your new friends and see your class and I’m excited for you to be excited and happy, which I hope you are.

But FUCK if I’m not going to lose my mind that first time I actually walk away and you stay in the class.

Yes, it’s hard to trust other people with your most precious of things. How can they do as good a job with you as I can???

Yes, I am scared about the things that could happen without me being there to know or help. What if you fall? I can’t even bring myself to go there but what if it’s worse than a fall? Will you be ok without my safe arms?

What if you are secretly scared or unhappy and unable to articulate that?

What if someone is mean to you – I would pinch a kid for you.

What if you love it so much that you never turn back around to say bye when I leave the room?

What if you form a bond with a teacher or other parent that isn’t me?

What if your being gone leaves this huge void in my day and I can’t fill it because you are my whole fucking world?

What if I miss something? A first new joke or new skill?

What if this is the marked beginning of not being needed or even wanted?

If it was even remotely normal to just keep you with me forever, this might be the moment that I would do it. I couldn’t sleep all night because I kept thinking about ways to not send you to school, freeze time and just enjoy being together playing your little matching puzzle game on the floor happily for the rest of our lives.

Please don’t outgrow that yet. Please don’t outgrow me yet.

And please don’t outgrow your new pants because your dad will literally kill me if I place one more order to Old Navy or Gap or Zara this month.

Away we go….

xo

Mom

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To my Older Baby

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