June 5, 2016
We just got home from a night up at the cottage and like most things we do together as a family it was incredible and too fast. The cottage belongs to your great-grandparents and is a really fun place (once you get over the spiders- they have a particularly huge amount of spiders at this cottage). We got to spend the weekend there with them (which in itself is pretty awesome) and my mom and dad came up for the day.
In my mind I have always imagined you growing up a a cottage. I didn’t but “the cottage” is still one of my favorite places on earth. There is something about living peacefully and intentionally in a home on the water that calls to me.
Anyways, the day was perfect. The sun shone, everyone was happy and I was musing to myself how easy you are. Well, it would seem that I SPOKE. TOO. SOON.
We got to bedtime and all hell broke loose. for 2 hours you screamed bloody murder while I tried my darndest to get you to sleep. I used every trick in my fucking arsenal, Baby and to no avail. We did rocking, shushing, patting, cuddling, I tried lying with you, I tried walking with you. I tried singing, reading, I did fucking aerobics (just kidding). NOTHING SATISFIED YOU. You just kept screaming your little head off.
Sure, it was 400 degrees hot in the room you had been given. Sure, it smells and looks different from the place you sleep 99 percent of your life. Sure, the window faces the sun and since you go to bed hours before sunset it was bright as day. Sure, we had forgone your bedtime routine for extra playtime. Sure, you were riled up from said playtime. I could list a million reasons why this night was different from any other night and would have caused anyone slight distress but I’ll be damned if I wasn’t going to take this personally and feel like a fucking failure of a parent.
Nothing is a bigger blow to your ego as a mom than unsuccessfully soothing your hysterical baby. You cry, I cry. We all cry. You dad comes up to see why everyone is crying and gets his head bitten off. You cry some more. I wonder if I will ever recover from this horrible night. You continue to cry.
Of course, 2.5 hours later you fell asleep. I wish I could say I helped you do it or made it easier but I am pretty sure that after that long crying in my arms you just had no juice left to squeeze out and quite literally passed out. The silence was a relief but thinking about you crying yourself to sleep (even though I was holding you tight the whole way through) made me sick to my stomach- the pound of cherries and chocolate covered almonds I ate after didn’t help.
I didn’t sleep a wink after that. You woke up 2 hours earlier than usual and now here we are. You being your usual amazing self. Me calling the day incredible despite wanting to shoot myself in the eye for several hours of it. And that my Baby, id making the best out of a bad situation and focusing on the positive side over the negative.
There you go- lesson of the day. We can choose to focus on anything in any given situation. There is always a ying to a yang and an up to a down so it is up to you to craft your own story and shape your own experience. I can tell you only this: you will be so much better off if you can focus your energy on enjoying the good and letting the bad pass through you. If you focus on the negative, you will be a negative person and here’s a little secret: no one wants to be friends with a negative nancy.
In the meantime, I am off to wash the cottage grime off my feet- or rather the remnants of a glorious day (positivity. always).