Desert Trip Baby

April 12,2016

Dear Baby,
5 days into our trip and I can safely say that traveling with you is a real treat. After landing and orienting in Tel Aviv, Israel we began to explore. By explore, I mean eat a lot of hummus. Spoiler alert: hummus really fucks up your mom’s stomach. True story. 
Here was a good lesson that we learned:
We had arranged to leave Tel Aviv and drive 1.5 hours away to Ein Gedi for a night and then another 1.5 hours the next day to the Ramon Crater for a night. So in a past life before you, this would have been a pretty rad plan. We would have arrived at our destinations with hours to spend and an evening open to explore. 
In our wonderful life with you, we arrived, you napped, woke up, we did some stuff for a couple of hours and then you went to bed which meant we were in the room (on the patio) for the rest of the night which really meant that we went to bed super early and woke up to pack up and leave. Mini trips are just less of a fun quick thing and more of an ordeal with a babe. 
This is not to say we didn’t have fun, just to say that next time we travel we plan to spend at least 2-3 days per place so that we can enjoy more of it together before we pack up and go.
Another lesson we learned:
Staying in SUPER SEXY hotels are super unsexy with a baby. So the hotel at the Ramon Crater was the second sexiest hotel I have ever been to in life (the first being a cliff side mother fucking villa palace with a private pool in Thailand on our honeymoon). The rooms were swank, there were bonfires blazing at dusk and unreal views overlooking the crater itself. The restaurant was dark and well furnished and the lobby was fucking gorgeous. 
In our former life we would have enjoyed the romance of it all. People walked around all day in robes. I love that. I would have done that for sure. 
In this life I took advantage of zero sexiness and spent majority of our visit trying to hide you from the sun. 
Finally we learned that travelling with you is actually the best. Have I mentioned that already?
So, to summarize. If you have a baby; take longer “mini trips” and don’t expect super sexy time. If you don’t have a baby; take tons of mini trips and see all the things and take advantage of those ridiculous hotel rain showers and private infinity pool balconies. Like I even have to tell you to do that. 
In the meantime, going to unpack those hotel slippers and shampoo we stole.

Desert Trip Baby

Baby Sleep No More

April 8, 2016

Dear Baby,

We did it. I am writing this blog post from Tel Aviv, Israel. We arrived somewhat put together and mostly normal. 

I’ll be honest. I was WAY too cavalier about the flight. I was all like, not a problem. Baby will sleep in the awesome bassinet that Air Canada provides up with and I will have a deep restful sleep too with baby at my side. 

Wrong diggity wrong. 

If you are ever considering flying on a ten hour plus flight internationally, know this; it sucks. 

To start, you just didn’t want to sleep. Overstimulation is a real thing and not many things are as over stimulating as a day at the airport. 

The “bassinet” was horrendous. I use the word in quotation marks because it was honestly more of a leather restraining device than a bassinet. It was basically a thick leather pod that you would technically lay in (not moving because the was both no room to roll and if you did roll you would end up face first on elephant grey leather sides- gross). The craziest part was the “seatbelt” a word I again use in quotes because it was a full mesh flap that covered your entire leather pod and then got strapped down. 

Um. No thanks. Don’t think I am fucking strapping my baby into a tiny leather case with a mesh panel on her face. I’ll endure a full flight with you on me. Thanks. 

So that’s what happened. You slept on me for a bit. You slept on your dad for a bit. The entire religious population of our aircraft saw my nipples and of a usual 12 hour sleep, you got about 6. 

Your dad got 10 minutes and I got 30. 

Baby, in high school and university I’m sure you will pull your fair share of all nighters. I know I did. You will stay up all night and the next day will function just a fraction below normal. Your skin will be light and clear and your eyes bright with just a hint of tired. 

In your 30’s and beyond you will want to fucking die. It’s almost 8pm here now and if I am up another 30 minutes it would be a miracle. 

The thing about being older and being a parent is that it’s not like you can take time out and refresh. We arrived, got to our hotel and went straight to work unpacking you, getting your shit organized, getting you down for a nap, showering and then we blinked and it was night. 

So here’s what I can think to share with a mind foggy with the memories (nightmares) of my journey. Get one of those super lame neck pillows. I feel like that was the missing link to sleep on the plane. Nerdy? Yes. Practical? I think so. 

Alternatively, be very very rich and exclusively fly first class. 

No but seriously, don’t let this shit deter you from chasing your travelling dreams. One fucked up day is a small price to pay for getting to have such a great adventure together. 

In the meantime….zzzzzzzzz



Baby Sleep No More

Your Baby Mama is 34

April 7, 2016

Dear Baby,

By the time you are reading this, 34 might not seem old or it might seem SO FUCKING OLD YOU COULD JUST TOTALLY BARF RAINBOWS. Is it weird to say that I never imagined myself being 30+?

Not like I didn’t think I would make it here but more that who fantasizes about being young enough to know how much stuff you are now not able to do because you are damn old? 


So here I am at 34, happier than I have ever been in my entire life and yet permanently tired with a backache. 

I thought I would take this day to reflect on some lessons I have learned this past year. 

Lesson 1. Patience is really a virtue. 

Waited and waited and waited to get pregnant and this past year was when it finally happened. That pee stick test was the best use of urine I have ever known. Patience paid off in a sweet tiny little girl who I love so much it feels like I might explode. 

Lesson 2. Take care of your shit. 

Seriously, take care of your shit. All your shit. Take care of your body, take care of your mind. Take care of your clothes and your shoes, take care of your home. Take care of the people you love and take care of your pets. Take care of your finances and take care of stuff you need to do. Not only is it gratifying and good but it saves you the huge fucking hassle of making up for a lack of care (see posts on backaches and drivers license renewal for reference).

Lesson 3. Take time to make time. 

I don’t know what this means really but I think taking time to do what you want and what you love will make you a happier person. 

Lesson 4. People can be the worst.

Actually. The. Worst. In no particular order I refer to; competitive moms, people who never smile, people who smile too much and people who tell lies. But there will be a whole slew of people who you will be annoyed with. They don’t matter. 

Lesson 5. People can be the best.

In no particular order; old friends made new again, new friends, old friends that never change, kind strangers and pleasant sales people. Thanks. You rock. 

Lesson 6. Life is sweeter with the ones you love. 

Being 34 would be wholly unbearable if not for you and your dad. There is no one way to have a family so any way you can, do. Family is the best thing on earth and starting your own, whatever that means, is better. 

So as I try to embrace 34, try to embrace your aging. Wrinkles and saggy ass skin are a small price to pay for 34 amazing years.

In the meantime, I’ll be slathering on the wrinkle cream. Kidding. It’s coconut oil. 



Your Baby Mama is 34

Renewing your Fucking Drivers License in a Snowstorm with a Baby. 

April 6, 2016

Dear Baby,

You know how sometimes you procrastinate something and then get SO PISSED that you did when it comes to crunch time and you have to get it done. Like you get mad at the thing you have to do instead of at yourself for not just doing it earlier. 

Well, today I am really fucking pissed at the idea of having to go out and renew my license and health card before my birthday (and our vacation) tomorrow. 

Sure, I got the notice in the mail 2 months ago but I was sure that I meant it when I said “I’ll get it done.” 


Didn’t do it. Totally forgot it. 

Enter today where we are experiencing our second spring time snow storm. THE LAST THING ON FUCKIN EARTH THAT I WANT TO DO IS GO OUT LET ALONE GO OUT TO A SERVICE ONTARIO WITH YOU. 

Can you even imagine anything more hideous? I don’t know what government buildings will look like in the future but as of now they are where happiness goes to die. Dramatic? Maybe but the dusty grey- blue carpet and matching walls adorned with prints that display hot air balloons and trite messages back up that statement one hundo percent. 

The interior coupled with the fact that everyone at a Service Ontario location seems to be grumpy and has made the decision to not wear deodorant (ever), make it the worst. 

The fact that the last time we had to go to a government office there were 4 people with SARS masks on and another 4 who didn’t wear a mask and yet coughed violently into the air is the cherry on that sad sad sundae.

Why can’t you just do this shit online????

Here’s the point. Don’t procrastinate annoying shit. Just get it over with. Rip off the bandaid, so to speak. 

Heed my advice or be doomed to pack up a sleepy baby in a fucking spring time snow storm at lunch time and line up with the B.O. squad of your local service center and face the wrath of renewing your damn documents. 

In the meantime, UG. Just ug. 



Renewing your Fucking Drivers License in a Snowstorm with a Baby. 

Pack it up, Baby

April 5, 2016

Dear Baby,

We are now 2 days away from a big vacation and I am extremely nervous and excited to be getting the fuck out of dodge. Um, snow in April? No thanks. Off to the beach we go.

Last time we went away it was off to sunny Florida for fresh citrus fruit and massive malls. This time we are heading out a bit further to the Middle East for a wedding. The plane ride is more than double in length, the time zone is totally opposite and even the electrical outlets need a little adaptor to make them work for our plugs. 

Scary? Sure. Exciting? Yes. But if I thought that packing you up for a cottage was a shit show, this is just next level. 

Aside from an embarrassing amount of rompers (ah!! Rompers. They are so damn cute!!!) and dresses and short outfits I need to think about crap like your sound machine, diapers, monitors and food. There are emergency things, medical things, bathing things, things that you can lay on, things to keep you out of the sun, things to keep you busy, comfy, asleep.
You name it, it’s fitting in my suitcase. 

The real kicker is that we had originally decided not to go on this trip. With such a huge travel time and time change we felt nervous about bringing you and overwhelmed by what we would need. I don’t really know how we decided to just do it but we did and now here we are about to have the trip of a lifetime and memories that you won’t really remember but that I will forever. I promise to tell you all about it. 

Here’s what I want to share with you today: never be scared to go see the world. Your dad and I will always make travel a huge priority for our family and we hope that nothing ever hinders you from experiencing everything you want. 

You can always find a million reasons to stay home or take the easy way out and while there’s nothing wrong with an all-inclusive style beach vacation, I hope you aspire to see and do more than lay on a beach and drink margaritas (because trust, you can find a great cocktail anywhere you go). 

In the meantime, I’m going to order 4 million more last minute things on Amazon. Thank god for Prime. (Ps. Invest in Amazon Prime. It will save your ass). 



Pack it up, Baby

Baby Birthday Bash

April 3, 2016

Dear Baby,

Ok Baby, can we just discuss briefly that I am not ok with you growing up. I mean, I’m ok with it but also I want you to be the way you are always. It’s the best. I say that every month. 

Anywho, this weekend we had your first friend’s birthday party to celebrate him being 1. 1. That is just far too old for you. Thank god I have another 5.5 months that is sure to just disappear in two seconds when I next blink. 

A year ago and more, baby birthday parties were what you would invite your dad and I to if you wanted to torture us. Fact. Parties for babies are not fun at all unless you have a baby. Less so when you are unsuccessfully trying to have a baby and just downright terrifying when you are finally pregnant. 

There should be a rule about inviting people without kids to a kid party. Don’t do it. Sure, we would have been bummed at the idea of being excluded but saved from the reality of 2 hours of kid- hell. 

But now is now and we have you and birthday parties are more fun with you there to enjoy them. Gone are the days of sidling into the crowd at the far back and awkwardly lingering while some music person sings ABC. For this round of the alphabet, we were front and center. 

The screaming kids running/ crawling/ sitting around are your peers and any random adult conversation that you would rather not have can easily circumvented by “having to do something” with the baby. Bye Felica. Goodbye awkward encounters. Hello cake. 

What was once my terror is now my ultimate joy. I had raspberry smushed on my pants, a voice hoarse from screaming over the sounds of drums and “All About that Base,” and a heart full of love for you and your tiny little friends. 

Instead of leaving and crying on the car ride home, your dad and I recounted how fucking cute the party was and how much we loved every second of it.

Enough that we are not even sorry to have another one today. 

So here’s the thing: if you hate something a lot and feel like it sucks so bad, try it again in another context and you may find that you feel totally differently. I would have NEVER expected to just kvell over a baby party. Never. Ever. And yet, here I am looking forward to the many more to come. Context. Changes everything. 

Oh, and please don’t force your friends without kids to do kid shit. It’s not nice and you should not have to know the words to fucking Music with Nancy until it is your time. 

In the meantime, everybody clap your hands???



Baby Birthday Bash

Baby Time

March 28, 2016

Dear Baby,

One of my favourite things about us is that we don’t give a shit about schedules. Just like mama, you run on your own schedule, march to your own drum, dance to your own beat… you do you. 

99% of the time not having a schedule works well for us. We do whatever we want and we are not tied down to being home for 1:38pm on the dot for your afternoon nap that will last for 64 minutes exactly. You nap when you want and wherever we are. It’s brilliant. 

1% of the time I want to make some solid plans but can’t because I have no idea what the day will bring. I imagine us going to a baby mama workout class that starts at 10:30 but you have other ideas in mind such as not sleeping. 

I may think that I will leave my house at a certain time and then can’t or I might assume that you will wake up from your nap in an hour and I only get 30 minutes. 

These moments are a bit frustrating and I spend about 5 seconds contemplating if I should have been more rigid with you. If in fact, you would be better on a strict schedule. These moments are few and far between. 

The flip side is that not having any kind of schedule makes it easy to do a ton of things at our leisure and gives me the ULTIMATE get out of jail free card with plans. If I can’t make it, I have the best excuse possible. For a person who goes through times of hermit- ism. This is great. 

Anywho, today I basically missed doing everything I had thought about doing because your day panned out in a way that was not conducive to my imagined itinerary so we just hung out at home. 

Cool story bro. 

Here’s the point of this rather boring post. You keep on doing you. Just because the world runs in a certain way doesn’t mean you have to conform to it. You are always free to do what you want, any old time. 

Take pride in your individuality and don’t stress- you will make it to Baby and Me spin class next time (or whatever it is you are up to). 

In the meantime, I’m having a great day with you just doing nothing. Thanks for being such excellent company. 



Baby Time