Baby Body

November 6, 2015

Dear Baby,

It’s 4:14am. I’m sitting with you waiting for you to be asleep enough that I can transfer you into your bassinet.

Today was a great day, baby. You are now 7 weeks old! 7 weeks gone by means that it is time for this mama to start using her body and getting strong again.

Baby, I have to tell you that I am finding it hard to enjoy my new body and view it as the vessel in which you were held. The stomach that I once flaunted and rubbed with satisfaction has been replaced by one that I want to hide away under layers of clothing.

I wish that I could say that now that I am older/ a mother, I don’t care. I do. But with you around I have to shift that mindset. I will be damned if I ever let you catch me pinching at my ass fat in the mirror or speaking in words of self hate.

As I sit here tonight with you in my arms I have been thinking a lot about the messages I send to you, even now in your infancy. I cannot imagine you being anything less than beautiful to me no matter what you end up looking like when you are older so long as you are a happy, healthy girl.

When I think about you in the future one of the things I wish for the most is that you grow up to be a confident and happy girl. I think that all moms out there can agree that a kid who feels comfortable in their own skin is at the top of their wish list (can I get a hell yeah on that one, mamas?)

I refuse to be the reason that you ever have a conflicted relationship with your own body. Instead, I want to channel this energy into becoming the positive influence. You will need it because I promise you this, Baby – being a human is hard and someone, somewhere along the line is going to make you feel lesser-than. I don’t want that person to be me.

So with that in mind, I have made myself a promise to shift my opinion on exercise and my body. Yes, it would be great to feel a bit more tight and toned but my new focus is to become strong again,  to keep my body and mind healthy, to feel good and get all those good positive endorphins.

I can only wish that one day you love your beautiful self as much as I love you now and always.

xo

Mom

PS. Go buy some good sports bras- the built in bra workout tops may have been fine pre-breastfeeding but your new boobs will be disastrous if not contained. Seriously, don’t mess with the boobs. They are crazy.

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Baby Body

Baby Clusters

October 26th, 2015

Dear Baby,

Last night was one of a few I have had in the past 5 weeks when I felt like picking up my bag, throwing in some changes of clothes, sneaking out the door and leaving you forever. As a side note that is maybe unnecessary, I would NEVER do that. But I thought about it in the heat of the moment.

Here was the scenario:

We had the most awesome day together. We saw a friend. We rested together cuddling, You fed perfectly and I even tackled an errand with you. I legitimately felt slightly shocked that I hadn’t been recognized in public and awarded a gold medal for mother of the year for accomplishing a day so seamless. I smugly thought to myself that I was a true rockstar mother, a goddess among women and that my baby was a true gem of a child- unique in her absolute perfection and the envy of mothers everywhere.

Then, 5pm hits. Suddenly, out of seemingly nowhere, my amazing wonder child began shrieking at me full force after a feed and scratching at my chest with her freakishly sharp little baby nails. To sooth her, I tried to feed her more with more of the same results. A diaper change made me feel like a sadist torturer and those sweet and gentle rocking motions that soothed her all day seem to somehow make her angrier and shriekier.

WTF, Baby!!

This behaviour which Google identified as “cluster feeding” went on for 5 fucking hours. If you have ever breastfed, then you know that a 5 hour stint is just enough to drive you completely insane with exhaustion, frustration and pain- thus my irrational desire to flee the coup.

The bad news is that this was the first of MANY nights where you chose the prime hours of 5-midnight to become a mini devil baby and destroy my fragile nipples. I began to fear the sunset.

The good news is that cluster feeding means growing and growing means that I get to watch you get bigger, stronger and brighter every single day. Cluster feeding also has directly correlated with having exceptional sleeps the subsequent night and days following (I know I am exhausted by them so I can only imagine you are too, Baby.)

In the meantime, Baby- know that no matter how much I hate trying to decipher if you are having a cluster feed or are genuinely possessed by Satan himself, no matter how much I would pay to have a moment to just breath without hearing your poor cries and no matter how much you hurt me, I would never leave you. You are my whole world.

Cluster on, Baby (but also, please no.)

xo

Mom

Baby Clusters

Why I returned your fur vest, Baby

October 27, 2015

Dear Baby,

It’s 6:38am. I am sitting with you in your room feeding you. Baby, you just slept for a full 5 hour stretch and I am inclined to think that you are miracle baby. You have done so many awesome things in a 24 hour span. Yesterday morning during tummy time you lifted your little head up and held it. Then, while we sat and rocked together, you smiled at me. That was one of the best things I have seen in my life. I love how you know me. How much you love to nuzzle into my arms and how at ease you are there. 

Your dad has a cold so I am much more in charge than I usually am. I have to say, it is nice. I miss his extra hands but I also relish in being able to do everything without any choice. It makes me feel confident that I can take care of you on my own and that I don’t need as much help as I sometimes feel like I do.

Baby, your clothes are so damn cute. I can’t believe my luck that I get to shop for someone new. In the beginning, I was advised to keep you in your sleepers. Now, your sleepers are pretty cute and they do serve the additional function of being really easy to take on and off when I change you but a good outfit they do not make so I disregarded the advice given and invested in tiny outfits. Sure, a baby doesn’t technically need harem pants but I’ll be damned if you weren’t going to have them.

Here’s why buying you outfits is stupid. Poo does not discriminate. Poo doesn’t care if I spend $38 dollars on a pair of pants that are the size of my hand. Poo, in fact, seems to seek out your more expensive and precious clothes and gets ALL OVER them. Oh, and the kicker is your poo stains EVERYTHING.

This of course didn’t stop me from buying you camo leggings or floral overalls today. The fact that you will outgrow or crap all over everything I get you is not a good enough deterent to the cute-ness that is baby clothes. So here’s some unsolicited advice from me to you, Baby. Try and keep your baby clothes purchases to a reasonable amount assuming that you will take pleasure in doing a bit of shopping. Buy a good stain remover and try and have a sense of humor about it all. And return that fur vest. Babies may not need floral overalls but the FOR SURE don’t need fur vests (editors note: I regret returning the vest already.)

I love you, Baby

xo

Mom

Why I returned your fur vest, Baby

Honestly, Baby

November 10, 2015

Dear Baby,

I’ve been up since 2:45 am with you fussing and I am so damn irritated that even the typos on my post are making me want to cry or scream.

Honestly, breast milk must be way more delicious than anything ever made the way you scream for it.

Your dad took you for some reprieve between 6:30 and 7am today where you naturally settled down so that he returned you to me all smug and annoying. “She’s really liking her arms swaddled out today” was his big helpful insight to you. Thanks for nothing, Dad. Let me tell you how much you liked having you arms out or in when the possibility of boob came back in the table. You could have had those arms tied around your back for all you cared.

Anyways, since you obviously can’t do anything about your basic instinctual behaviour/ need for survival, I have to channel my anger somewhere else so Honest Diapers in Newborn size, here’s looking at you.

When it comes to you Baby, no expense is spared. If I feel that you need organic cotton harem pants at over 30 bucks a pop, I’m getting you those pants (and thanks for crapping in them on first wear). So sure, Honest diapers are more expensive than Pampers by a long shot but your little baby butt deserves the best so when I read about how honest the Honest diapers are (see what I did there), I had to try them.

Why don’t these diapers stay on??? What good is a diaper that gapes in the back. Babies notoriously crap out their diapers on a good day with a perfectly tight and secure diaper. What chance do I have of saving your adorable baby clothes I can’t even attempt to contain the poop explosion.

And riddle me this, who wants to get peed on twice in one morning? Not your sleep deprived under-caffeinated mom who is also dealing with a dog who is barfing on the carpet this morning.

So sure, the diapers are cute. The ones I got have tiny skulls on some and little bicycles on others but really, WHO CARES. Who is going to look at your poop filled diaper and be like, “what an adorable diaper.” No one.

Honest Co. you make some super awesome products (like your baby wipes- want to send me some baby wipes to clean up all the spilled poo???) but this irritable mama is all for burning your shitty diapers.

Baby, don’t buy bad diapers. They will totally annoy you.

xo

Mom

PS. If you happen to have also bought diapers that you are not crazy about or have extra diapers from a size you outgrew, please check out http://www.thediaperbank.ca.

Honestly, Baby

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

I can’t believe you are here. A living breathing very tiny human being created by your father and I (and science.) Even though it seems like an eternity away, one day you might start your own brand new family. By then I will have forgotten the small details of your infancy. I will recall the day you were born, albeit with rose colored glasses, milestones I watched and overall generalizations about how it was but I will probably forget the minute to minute happenings.

One day I may not be around to tell you how much I can relate to you when you cry beside your inconsolable baby. I may not remember how very hard it was the first month home and be there for you in the ways that you need. I may dismiss the incredible moments you have with your new baby as they will be so far behind what I have seen and done since. This is my way of sharing your own life with you as well as my own experiences with them. A way to preserve every detail as it is fresh in my mind.

The first moments with you, the details both good and bad are things I can’t bear to lose. And so, for you, for me and for any other mom out there in the world who is interested in an honest account of MY personal experience as a first time mom here are my completely raw and totally true accounts of my new life and your new life.

xo

Mom

Dear Baby