October 26th, 2015

Dear Baby,

Last night was one of a few I have had in the past 5 weeks when I felt like picking up my bag, throwing in some changes of clothes, sneaking out the door and leaving you forever. As a side note that is maybe unnecessary, I would NEVER do that. But I thought about it in the heat of the moment.

Here was the scenario:

We had the most awesome day together. We saw a friend. We rested together cuddling, You fed perfectly and I even tackled an errand with you. I legitimately felt slightly shocked that I hadn’t been recognized in public and awarded a gold medal for mother of the year for accomplishing a day so seamless. I smugly thought to myself that I was a true rockstar mother, a goddess among women and that my baby was a true gem of a child- unique in her absolute perfection and the envy of mothers everywhere.

Then, 5pm hits. Suddenly, out of seemingly nowhere, my amazing wonder child began shrieking at me full force after a feed and scratching at my chest with her freakishly sharp little baby nails. To sooth her, I tried to feed her more with more of the same results. A diaper change made me feel like a sadist torturer and those sweet and gentle rocking motions that soothed her all day seem to somehow make her angrier and shriekier.

WTF, Baby!!

This behaviour which Google identified as “cluster feeding” went on for 5 fucking hours. If you have ever breastfed, then you know that a 5 hour stint is just enough to drive you completely insane with exhaustion, frustration and pain- thus my irrational desire to flee the coup.

The bad news is that this was the first of MANY nights where you chose the prime hours of 5-midnight to become a mini devil baby and destroy my fragile nipples. I began to fear the sunset.

The good news is that cluster feeding means growing and growing means that I get to watch you get bigger, stronger and brighter every single day. Cluster feeding also has directly correlated with having exceptional sleeps the subsequent night and days following (I know I am exhausted by them so I can only imagine you are too, Baby.)

In the meantime, Baby- know that no matter how much I hate trying to decipher if you are having a cluster feed or are genuinely possessed by Satan himself, no matter how much I would pay to have a moment to just breath without hearing your poor cries and no matter how much you hurt me, I would never leave you. You are my whole world.

Cluster on, Baby (but also, please no.)

xo

Mom