June 27, 2016

Dear Baby,

So as I wrote yesterday, we spent the weekend in the fancy wilderness and did all kinds of cool wilderness stuff. It was pretty seamless and awesome to have you there, until the evening. 

The night before we left for the trip was a bad one. For the second time in months you were up all night long and we ended up taking you into bed with us to get a few measly hours of sleep which didn’t even really happen (just for me- you and your dad slept) because my arm was asleep for 85% of the night. At least a part of me was asleep. Ha. 

We were all like, is this the new thing you are going to be doing? Waking up and being a wreck? No. It can’t be that our little sleeping genius would suddenly be up for no reason at all hours. This must be a 2 time fluke. Should we worry about the trip? No. The great outdoors is the perfect recipe for sleep. 

Wrong.

The great outdoors is many things but perfect for a baby sleeping it is not. To start, a canvas tent is as bright as it should be at 6pm- your bedtime. Second, it’s hot as fuck. Third, mosquitos.

Should I be surprised that both nights took a solid 2 hour effort just to get you settled? I was. In hindsight, it was exactly as I should have expected but in the moment it seemed rather upsetting that you wouldn’t just fall asleep as usual in an unusual space. 

If you want to properly torture someone have them try to put a baby to sleep for 2 hours unsuccessfully. I don’t know a better way to really fuck someone up quite like that. Oh yes, I do- have them do it in a 400 degree tent alone in the forest. 

Finally you would go to sleep and I would commence drinking as much wine as I could in a span of 10 minutes to forget how shit the whole bedtime experience had been. You were asleep and I was now beginning my dinner with our friends. 

Dinner was awesome, the company was awesome and everything was awesome until say, 11. From the tent next door where you were sleeping we heard a rustle, a shuffle and a cry. We thought that maybe it would pass. A quick and dirty night waking. 

Nope nope nope. 

That was it. You were down for the count- or up, I guess. 

The remainder of the night was spent coaxing you back to sleep in our bed while I maneuvered around you to get comfy. You know how sometimes you can’t move for whatever reason and it seems like that particular time would be one time that you need to move? 

Truth: if it wasn’t so unexpected and exhausting, it would have been perfect. That fact that we have spent 4 nights this week cuddling in bed together is just fucking bliss. I truly miss the days when that was our normal and there is nothing better than waking up beside you (ok, the best is doing it after a full nights sleep, but beggars can’t be choosers.)

I think the whole experience was bittersweet. 

But the lesson here has to do with commitment. Your dad and I committed very early on to not let you cry. There are a thousand debates about this topic but that is the stance we took. For better or worse, you don’t cry and you certainly never cry yourself to sleep. 

There is something about commitment that makes everything easier and harder. It’s easy because there’s no debate. You do the thing you do and you don’t have to question yourself (although as a parent I still question everything.) 

The hard is that you do what you do in spite of anything else. I would have really rather not ended my night early to go and have you scream in my arms until you calmed down. One night I didn’t even brush my teethe because I literally couldn’t put you down. Not ideal.

But commitment is an important thing. In life you want to try and so the best you can when you commit to something. A job, a partner, a lifestyle choice. Being a flakey person isn’t a wonderful trait. You will want to try and be someone who honors the things you say you will do and who people can count on.

We stand very strong in our commitment to you and you can always count on your dad and I to be there. Come hell or leaving an awesome bonfire to spend a sleepless night so that you can feel safe and secure. 

In the meantime, we are home and I am hoping that tonight we can all get some good sleep. Is 7:30pm too early for a grown ass woman to go to bed?

xo

Mom